Bleak Universe
Part 3(Let's end this biznatch)


ST:He opens the door and says "Come on already! Don't just sit there staring at me like a Nudnik!" He's staring at Kelly, who's in front.
KELLY: "Oh. Um Sorry?"
AARON: Why is she with you anyway? Who is she, your nafka?
OSCAR: (laughs) Haha! I bet i know what that means. I'm totally remembering that one.
KELLY blinks a few times in apparent confusion and arches her back, making her stick out a bit.)
KELLY: (looking over at AARON) I don't get it AARON, what is he saying? Why is everone looking at me like that?

(OSCAR's expression turns suspicious)

ST: He walks in, Aaron. You follow right?
AARON: (distracted) Huh? Oh right, yeah.
ST: And you Kelly? you going to walk in after them?
KELLY: Well, if he's going in then I'm following. Cuz at least SOMEONE here likes me.
ST: (awkardly)Right ok.
ST: As soon as you're inside a couple of steps, the man turns and stops by a statue of a lion.
AARON: Ok, so what does this place look like? Do I notice anything weird?
ST: (rolls a die) Well, the groun dat your feetseems like really cheap floorboards on top of actual earth, dirt.
AARON: Hmm, that's odd. ANtyhing else? Like about this guy?
ST: You notice that his right hand looks off-color.There's something strange about it. It looks strangely dirty and not really like a hand should look.
AARON: Ok. I don't like this at all. I'm going to grab Kelly and go back out the door.
ST: Shmoidreck hits a button and the door slams shut and locks.
ST:Drop the shtick already! You're with Crimson Arrow, yes?
AARON: (shakes his head violently) No no. I don't even know what that is!
ST: "Hah! Lies. I need you liars and thieves following around and stealing my work like I need a Loch in kop, yes?" He mimes putting a gun to his head.
AARON: Oh, well sorry. We'll just go now, we wouldnt want to... be, locking... your cop, or anything
ST: "Ah ah. I don't think so. Friends nearby, i bet! I'll fin dthem and then i'll know why the Crimson keeps sending agents, one way or another, don't you worry!"
ST: "Until then, Zolst ligen in drerd!"
ST: He puts his hand to the ground, and it starts shaking.
ST: "Stone Hand Element: The Frail Earth"
ST: The ground underneath shakes violently and then
AARON: I'll jump clear!
ST: To where?
AARON: to... safety?
ST: You're in a hallway in front of a locked door and several yards down the hall is the old man, there is no safety.
ST: The ground beneath you gives way and you fall into darkness.
KELLY: Ok, i'll say "Ow! What happened?"
AARON: "That crazy old guy turned out to be Jewish AND a jerk...
AARON: Not that those things are connected in any way..."
KELLY: (to storyteller)So where are we?
ST: It's dark, the floor is several yards over your head. It's already closing up.
KELLY:"Oh, well at least things can't"
AARON: (color drains from face)"No! Please don't say that."
KELLY: "What? That things can't get any worse?"
ST: Kelly, you feel something grab your wrist.
KELLY: AAron, stop that! I'll whack him.
AARON: But I didn't tell you that I was going to-
ST: I know.
AARON: Oh. "Um Cutesy, that wasn't me".
KELLY: (looks profoundly disturbed)"Eek! Get it off!" I'll shake my hand and shake it off!

ST: (rubs hands and turns to Rick and Oscar) Ok, so what are you guys going to do?
RICK: If i hear the disquiet of the earth, I will proceed to investigate.
OSCAR: (sighs) Me too I guess.
KELLY: Wait! What about me? What is on me? DO i shake it off?
ST: Not yet. Ok, let's end there for this week. See you guys all next week at
KELLY: Hey! You can't, no fair! It's going to bug me all week now!
ST: (grinning) I know. Isn't it great?

_______________________________________________________________________________________

I edited and switched to yiddish in the last post, because i realized that was the awful stereotype i was really using. Man, it's scary how I didn't even realize that. Yiddish just sounds weird somehow. German and hebrew don't combine very well. Hebrew sounds way cooler. (Read as, harder to be silly with)

In case you're wondering, I actually found a site online of vulgar yiddish phrases. How scary is that.

I guess the stage direction things are fine. I'm kindof imagining it visually. Really I should have the dialogue do more work, but if my feeling is that it should match up with a drawing that's ok I guess. if i strike-out in artland I can go back and redesign it as fiction I guess.

Also, from what i can tell, the name "shmoidreck" means something like "penis shit" in english. That fits i guess. haha.

Bleak Universe
Part 3(I'm getting there. Don't rush me)


(once the laughter dies down)
ST:...
ST:Clever. OK, he says"Why, are you anti-semitic?"

AARON stares blankly.
KELLY: Is that something bad?
ST: "Bad? Ikh ken esn gloz un es tut mir nisht vey!
KELLY: What? Um, can you just speak normal? You're confusing me.
ST: He looks at you, AARON, narrowing his eyes.
AARON: Um, she's... she's new.

(ST looks around the room)
ST: What do you think? What would you all do if you were an old Jewish man and two people came to your door late at night and said all that? What would you think they wanted? What would you do?
OSCAR: I'd think they were from the KKK. Or like a new Hitler's Youth.
RICK: I would begin looking for my firearm.
OSCAR: Good call.
KELLY: Heeeey! Did YOU understand what he said? Stoppickingonme! You're all just jealous! (KELLY sticks out her tongue at the room)

OSCAR: So what did that mean anyway? Did it mean like 'Step off, stupid bitch' ?
ST: It means: 'I can eat glass, it does not hurt me.'
OSCAR:Uh... oh.
ST: It's the only think i know in Hebrew. And it's not like you guys would know anyway. (he shrugs)
OSCAR: Wow. I don't know whether I'm glad you told me or not.
KELLY: You CAN? Can i see? I heard about this one kid who...
OSCAR: Oh yeah sure he can. It's easy. As long as you turn it side ways and eat it real quick, you're fine.
KELLY: Really? (skeptical) I don't know, that sounds kind of like a lie.
ST: (to kelly) Don't worry it is. ANYway, before we loose our track entirely-

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I'll try to end this with a long one next time.

In case you're curious, this is the site i got the hebrew from. It's one of the silliest sites ever.

http://www.geocities.com/nodotus/hbglass.html

ALso, just in case a situation comes up when you need to call someone a potato in Hebrew:

Ra ec y budydua fedr dra vyla uv y kiehay bek - He is a potato with the face of a guinea pig

I swear. I couldn't make this stuff up.

Bleak Universe

Part 3(forever)


AARON:If you guys are all done being jerks, I'll open the door now.
ST: Really? (leans forward with excitement) Well then, as soon as you open the door-
AARON: Uh. Did i say open the door? I mean "look around the house carefully, keeping an eye out for traps of any sort"
RICK: I am not a Jerk.
KELLY: Wait! We weren't going to make out! This is a game (she looks aorund) Isn't it?
OSCAR: ... I don't know if I can even top that.
ST: Ok. (rolls a die) Ok. You're sure that it's not bobby-trapped or anything.
AARON: Ok. I guess I'll knock on the door this time.
ST: Ok. From inside you hear "Hold on hold on I'm cohming I'm cohming!"
AARON:... Riiight. So does he get there?
ST: Not yet.
AARON: I'll knock again.
ST: Ok right as your knocking again he opens the door "Ok ok!, what do you want already?! Oy, you'd think Sheol itself was opening up at your feet!
AARON: (taken aback) Uh... hi.
KELLY: (whispering to AARON, why is he talking like that?)
AARON: (whispering back) I have no idea)
ST: "Hey! What are you two talking about down there? You get me out of my bed at 3 in the morning and all you can do is sit here lolligagging at my door? Oy ve. " He begins closing the door.
AARON: No, wait! I, er- We- had a question.
ST: "Yes? What is it? I'm listening!"

Kelly starts giggling.
Oscar is dying with laughter.

OSCAR:Your accent is horrible.
ST: Hey, shut up. I'm doing the best I can.
ST: "Hurry up with the talking! Else i'm going to schlep on back to bed, I have to be at temple at 6 in the morning tommorrow dontcha know!"


AARON: Er, ok. I'll say "Who are you sir?"

ST: "My name is SHMOIDRECK! The MAGICIAN already!" He flourishes.

AARON stares back, looking dumbstruck.

ST: "Oy ve! You young people and your wasting my time, I ought to set you-
AARON: Why are you so...
ST: "Yes?"
AARON:... (mumbles something incomprehensible)

OSCAR who is nearby AARON in the room laughs all the harder, so tears come out of his eyes.

AARON:... Jewish?




_____________________________________________________________________________________

Apparently, artists all have like tattoos of oriental dragons on their biceps and mac lap tops attatched to their backs via messanger bags. So if you have any of these things, God will light you on fire if you don't contact me.

Ok. Maybe that's a lie. He'll probablly light me on fire for saying so. But hey, you know- it's all the same to the viewers.

Bleak Universe FUNFACT!

Shmoidreck sure sounds far-fetched doesn't he? Like a total stereo type that is so offensive that no one would ever dream of actually-

WRONG!
He is based on a character from an old animation called "The Last Unicorn" that was on Tv the other day. You should watch it sometime when you're drunk or dying of a rare disease or something. It's hilarious. "Schmendrick" has a huge nose, and his lines are very clearly meant to be highly yiddish-sounding, though the voice actor tries valiantly to fight it.

My version probablly needs work. I should study the movie more. Haha.

Schlep on Shmendrick
Schlep on brother.

Bleak Universe

Part 3 (some more)

OSCAR: Oh, nothing-no one. Just hurry up with your door opening duty.
KELLY: Oh. Okay. But wait- I thought I already did that
ST: No, um- I was waiting for everyone else to-
OSCAR: Basically, you pussed out.
ST: AARON?
OSCAR: What? WHy are you? (he turns to look at Aaron just in time for-)
(AARON hits OSCAR in the head with a pillow)
ST: Thank you. Much appreciated.
OSCAR: MMf! Stop that.
AARON: Glad to help.
ST: ANYWAY- go ahead Kelly.
KELLY: Oh. Okay.
ST:...
KELLY: So what am I doing?
AARON: I'll go up there with her. I'll check out this building as best I can, taking (he looks at Kelly's character sheet) "Cutesy Bear" with me.
OSCAR:I wonder where THEY"RE going.
RICK: Sexual intercourse?

(Everyone looks at him in surprise)
OSCAR:(he finally laughs) That was so retarded, it was awesome.
RICK: (bows)
OSCAR: Wow. So you can take a joke. I'm impressed.
Rick: Why thank you, I-
ST: Yes, we're all in awe of your ability to disrupt my story with lewd comments. Now, continuing on...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

AHahahah. That one was kind of a one hit wonder. But I enjoyed it. Anyway-





Tenth Bleak Universe episode! WOOOO. Here's to at least ten more! (my ambitions are intimidating I know)

It's come to my attention that I should make things more "interactive". So here's your crazy interactive thingy for today- How should I attract an artist?

Pastel chalks?
Seductively dump paint outside my apartment? Haha.

Really though-I guess I'll wait until I feel like I get to a decent stage of character development/plot and am approaching funny-vana, so to speak. Then I'll fix up all the old chapters as best I can (they were all written spur of the moment after all), then maybe i'll go-a-fishing, if the material seems good enough to warrant that. Until then, and even if I never actually do that, it's good practice. PLus I think It's actually starting to feel more natural. If I find an artist, awesome. At that point, I'd probablly rewrite a lot of the old material.But, if not, well soldier on I guess.

If I do end up with an artist- I have this silly idea for what we could do that would make it far different than ALL the other fake rpg stories, visually as well as story-wise. Hehe. Anyhoo. 'Til next time, adieu.

::exits, chased by bear::
(just kidding. This is my all time favorite Shakespeare stage direction. It's in "A Winter's Tale"

(the next one should be much longer, hopefully finishing part III)

(hey, if its too annoying to comment every time, do it every other time or somethin. I just want to know who's readin :) )

Bleak Universe Part III extended

ST: Ok. Wow. Well,nevermind um good enough I guess. We'll just have to wing it. That's fine Kelly, go get a drink. We'll continue when you return.
KELLY: Oh. Okay. (she leaves, and everyoen else comes back in passing her in the door)

OSCAR: So did she get unstupid?
ST: Um. Well, she's making progress and-
OSCAR: That's a no. Thats a definite no.
ST: Well I didn't say that.
RICK: Can we continue now? I am prepared.
AARON: Yeah, enough dumping on Kelly already. It's getting really old.
OSCAR: Hey man, don't knock it 'til you try it.
(Aaron suddenly goes a little pale)
OSCAR: Oh, sorry. Poor choice of words.
ST: ANYWAY. What's everyone going to do?
OSCAR: So Kelly hasn't opened the door yet? Good, because I totally don't want to miss that.
AARON: This is so stupid. I'm going to join Kelly at the door.
RICK: I shall remain here.
OSCAR: Likewise. I found a nice bush, after all.
ST: Fine. That means we have to wait for Kelly.

...(silence)

OSCAR: Yo, so why are we even here anyway?
RICK: You're the one who found the note, "genius".
OSCAR: No shit Sherlock. But i mean, why are we even doing all of this? We have no clue what this address actually means. All we know is that acid-reflux boy in the cell next to ours dropped it. We don't know anything about that guy, not even his name.
AARON: It was the only clue we had.
OSCAR: Yeah. The magic of plot. I get it. But what i'm saying, is for all we know this could be a trap.
RICK: I doubt this. I mean, he was captured as well. By the "Malovith the Malevothent"
OSCAR: He could be a plant.
AARON: A what?
RICK: We have no evidece that he is in the flora family of-
OSCAR: NO douchebag, a PLANT. A spy. The lisping retard is really working with our vomiting friend, so "Malovith" puts him in the cell next to ours, knowing he'll bust out, and that his carefully placed address will be protected by the magic plot-field.
AARON: Seems kinda complicated. What would be the point of doin that?
OSCAR: Well, I was just looking at his face over there (pointing to ST) and it's the kindof thing he would do.
AARON: It's not like we got anything else to do.
OSCAR: But anyway, yeah that's exactly my point originally. What ARE we doing? We're following "clues" but for what?
RICK: I am interested to know why the authorities captured us.
AARON: We did break into some guy's house.
RICK: Then why were we not in jail, and instead in a dungenous area?
OSCAR: Okay- One- What the hell is "dungenous?" and Two- um I guess that's a good point...
AARON: Yea, that is true
OSCAR: ...Douchebag.
ST: (laughs)
RICK (glares menacingly)
OSCAR: (putting hands up) Sorry, couldn't help it. Ok. So yeah, we have some questions to answer. 1) Who is Vomits Quietly? Why was he in prison? How does he melt bars? 2)Who is Lisping Retard? Why did the police capture us, knock us out, and give us to him? But that's not the whole of it. I mean, before I got on this pointless tangent, what I really wanted to know, was why did we break into that guy's house in the first place?
RICK: The man in white.
OSCAR: Yes, he wanted us to do him favors. Find him that book. Right. We tried the library, we got caught by some random guy, and now we're trying to figure out why. But what i want to know more, is why get him the book in the first palce? I mean, what is this, Christmas? "Do dangerous favors for the KKK week?"
AARON: (laughing) Hahaha. That was awesome.
RICK: Incorrect. He promised us a favor.
OSCAR: If some idiot came up to you on the street, handed you a gun and said "Hey buddy, go kill the president. I'll totally owe you one later on." Would you be like "derrrr, okay!" ?
RICK: What type of fire arm does he hand me?
AARON: No OScar. That's a no.
OSCAR: Okay. So he claimed he'd give us a favor. So yeah, but what favor? Flying robot lazer sharks?
AARON: THat'd be awesome.
RICK: Maybe he will grant us the Lycanthropist power of our choice?(Thinking) Hmmm... Or instructions for the "Ridiculously Evil Incarnate Ritual"? (excitedly) Yeah, I would do it for that.
AARON: I think it was immortality.
ST: Guys, the man in white claimed that he'd kidnapped one family member from each of you.
OSCAR: What? He DID? When did he tell us that?
ST: Right about when you were drawing a highly inaccurate picture of me.
OSCAR: Hmmm.... (ponders)I see. SO now the question is...
OSCAR: How do you know it was inaccurate?
AARON: (laughs)
OSCAR: Okay. Ok i get it all now. Damn, what a dick. Ok, now we just wait for-
(kelly enters)
OSCAR: Decoy! Good your back.
KELLY: Who?

_____________________________________________________________________________________


Ahahaha. The characters are starting to drift a bit from their origins, in case all you out in tvland didn't notice.

Being mean to utterly everyone is fun. ALso, i felt like clearing up some plot points, since I tend to glaze over them. :shrug: It's nice having a plot, even if its kindof a token one. Which, half the time, rpg sessions feel like that anyway.

(Quick note- if you read a chapter leave a message so i know you're reading! Even if it's "Yo this is___________ and i read this chapter. I only write this, because mitch's brain worms make me." Thanks.)

Bleak Universe Part 3

KELLY: That's right, right?
ST:(sighs deeply). No. NO that's not it.
OSCAR: We've been at this for THREE HOURS. Can we grab a break? I don't think I can take any more stupidity.
KELLY: Shut up! I'm gonna kick him. Can i kick him?
ST: Ok, go get a drink or something everyone.
(OSCAR, AARON and RICK file out)
KELLY: Me too?
ST: No, i just want to see if we can sort this out real quick.

ST: Ok. So, Kelly.
KELLY: Yes?
Let's do that last scene again, so that maybe I can illustrate what the rest of us are having trouble with.
KELLY: Oh. Otay.
ST: (sharply inhales as if about to say something, then changes his mind)... Right. So, you're at the address that Sam's character found in the cell last time, yes?
KELLY: Did everyone else go there?
ST: Yep.
KELLY: THen yes, I go there too.
ST: You know, Kelly, you don't have to do what everyone else does, if you don't want to. Or even what they tell you to do.
KELLY: Oh i know.
ST: Ok. So what are you going to do now?
KELLY: I'll go to the door and put my hand on the handle.
ST: Ok. And then?
KELLY: ANd then what?
ST: Er, are you going to like, well maybe say- open the door?
KELLY: Hmmm. (shrugs) I don't know!
St:...
KELLY:Well, I heard people talking and stuff about something earlier. And stuff. So, is there a vampire on the otherside of the door?
ST: (shocked stupid) A... a vampire? WE don't even have vampires in this sto-But that's not the point. How in the name of wacky midgets would you know that?
KELLY: I don't. That's why I'm asking you.
ST: Who? There's no one else around, the other characters are all...(wry) bravely hiding in the bushes.
KELLY: What do you mean? I'm asking you.
ST: Who? Is tha twhat your character says? There aren't any invisible people around or anything.
KELLY: You! I'm asking you! (she points at ST)
ST: Oh. Um. You can't.
KELLY: But i just did.
ST: No I mean. Tell me what your CHARACTER does, not you. I don't exist in your story. I'm just like an interpreter. I'm like the TV.
(Kelly stares blankly)
ST: Ok. Nevermind. I don't know hwo to explain this. I'll just do it out and maybe you'll catch on taht way. Ok. SO what do you do again? Open the door?
KELLY: Not yet. I want to know if there are any vampires on the other side of the door first.
ST: (with a forced calm) NO. None that you can see. But then again, there may possibly be a DOOR impeding you looking in.
KELLY: OKay. So if i open the door will anything bad happen?
ST: There's no response.
KELLY: Huh?
ST: No one says anything.
KELLY: What? Will anything bad happen?
ST: (rubbing nose with forfinger and thumb) Ok screw this. A voice on the otherside says "No, nothing bad will happen to you, just come right into a stranger's house for no reason without calling or even knocking on the door first, that should be REAL safe in every way, and no one over here will spit any acid on you for being totally retarded."
KELLY: Oh ok. I'll do that then.

It's come to my attention that non-rpg folks are really confused by my recent stuff. So I'm gonna add some interludes in here and there.

Today's interlude is: One Line Descriptions of Movies. (inspired by paul)

See if you can guess which description corresponds to which movie! THe first one is paul's. Some of them are series.
________________________________________________________________________________________

Kid beats up his dad with supernatural powers.
Murderous old people decapitate eachother and get electrocuted.


_______________________________________________________________________________________

Hah, I can't think of any more. Maybe I'll edit them in as they come to me. Maybe mroe Bleak Universe later if I'm in el moodo.

PART II END!

RICK: Screw you. HE gets to start as non-human.
ST: It's just to introduce you guys to the concept.
KYLE: (crackly on phone) Alright, I'm kinda low, I'm gonna wait before I try that again. See if the HCL maybe takes care of it for me.
KELLY: What's going ON? I don't get it.
AARON: Me neither.
ROGER: Have to agree there. I'll say "RICK, can you see what's going on?"
KELLY: Wait, aren't you supposed to talk your character to his character, or something?
OSCAR: He named his character Rick.
KELLY: Oh.
ST: Ok i'll roll it in a sec. I'll put you off speaker for now.
RICK: "Not sure, but I have an idea."
ROGER: Sounds dangerous.
RICK: Ok, I'm going to lean out the bars and look over in that direction. Do I observe any of those broken off bars nearby?
ST: Um, sure.
RICK: Within arm's reach? I'll stretch out my arm as far as I can.
ST: (rolls a die) Um.. no, not quite.
RICK: "I need some help here. anyone have climbing rope or a long pole or plank of wood on them?"
OSCAR: Where would we keep them? Up our asses? That lisping lunatic took all our gear, remember?
AARON: I think I see where you're going with this. I'll take off my shirt.
KELLY: Really? Are you hot?
AARON: (with fake libido) Well... I do have an appearance rating of 70 percent (holds up 7 fingers )
ROGER: Um, I think see where you're going with THAT. And it's disturbing me.
OSCAR: I'll say (they laugh and fist pound)
AARON: (to ST) I'll take off my shoe then tie the laces and the sleeve together so they're tight.
OSCAR: Please, no more naked.
ST: Okay...
AARON: "Hey Rick, use this to get that bar. Be careful though."
RICK: "Got it!" Ok, i'll put the shirt on the outside of the bars, and swing the shoe toward the bar on the floor.
ST: Oh i see. OK sure,(rolls a die) i'll let you snag it with a few tries.
RICK:Ok, i'll pull it closer until it's right outside of the cell. Then i'll untie the shoe, and wrap the shirt around my hand. Is there any acid left on the bars?
ST: Oh RIGHT. You're right, a whole bunch splattered. Yeah there's still some active.
RICK: Ok. I'll pick up the bar at the other end, without acid, and then i'll put the bar up to the one in front of me, and try scraping some of it off. I'll do the same thing to as many as I can.
ST: The acid is strong, you're broken bar is starting to dissolve.
RICK: Ok, did i get some on to our prison bars?
ST: Yeah, it's already eating through. The the acid is nearing the end of your fingertips on the bar too.
RICK: Ok, I'll drop it.
RICK: Ok, now i'll sit back and wait.
ST: Wow, nice. And see? you did it without any super powers.
RICK: YEah. THanks.
OSCAR: Yeah, he used that other guy's...
(Aaron hits him with a pillow again)
OSCAR: I'll say "dude, put your shirt back on.
AARON: "No thanks, it's full of acid. You can have it."
RICK: DO the bars melt through?
ST: Not yet, it's taking a few minutes.
AARON: Ok, we'll wait.
ST: K, like 5-10 minutes go by, and the bars in front of you have melted through enough for you to slip through.
AARON: Nice. I'll jaunt up to RIck. "That was a good trick there, mate. You're a handy chap to have around.
RICK: Why thank you sir. (they fist pound)
OSCAR: Ok, I'll head over into the next cell.
ST: Empty.
OSCAR: Damn. ANything in there?
ST: Lots of burnt holes in the ground and the bars are a complete melted mess. You do see a small slip of paper in one corner tha managed to survive though.
OSCAR: (raises an eyebrow) Really? All that acid? What is it anyway?
ST: You can't tell. And yes, it was protected by the magic of plot.
OSCAR: Hah. Ok, i'll pick it up.
ST: It's a business card. There's an address, but the name and phone number have burned away.
ROGER: I'll walk into that cell and look around. "So let me get this straight. Eating cockroaches gives you magic powers?"
OSCAR: "No, you just vomit acid."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Ok, I'll jump ahead next time to half way through the following session. Got a little carried away there with serious and plotty type things. I'll return to the silly next time. Juggling both is kidna tricky. Hehe.

Part 2 continued some more! (I'll finish it when im ready, damnit)

ROGER: Ok. What kind of noises do we hear?
ST: Scrabbling sounds coming from the wall, and mumbling you can't make out.
ROGER: Ok. I'll say "Yo, who's in there? Maybe we can help eachother out. I doubt you like this Mal guy either, seeing how you're in PRISON and all."
ST: Ok, you won't hear anything else other than the same for a few minutes. Figure out what you want to do next among yourselves. I have to do something else. (He takes out a cell phone.)
OSCAR: WHat do you have to do?
ST: (smiles) I'm going to contact your prisonmate, your next-cell neighbor. (He picks up a character sheet and gets up from behind the screen. He moves over to one corner of the room and takes out a cell phone)
KELLY: He IS? Why does he have a cell phone?
AARON: He's going to call him, I guess.
OSCAR: I'm bored (stretches out, putting his hands behind his head).
KELLY: Call him? On the cell phone?
OSCAR: No, he's going to call him with his hat.
KELLY: His hat? Is it like, a special hat-phone?
OSCAR: Yes.
RICK: Tedium always follows behind me.
OSCAR: I'll say.
RICK: (glares at him intently, a disturbing angry smile on his face)
ROGER: Just ignore him rick, damn.
KELLY: (she stands up and holds her hands out, palms open and outwards, in a "hold on" gesture)Ok, everyone just wait. Wait. Everyone. Listen to me for a second. I need someone to tell me something for sure.
ROGER: Yeah?
KELLY: Ok. Ok. Now- Is he (pointing to ST) or is he not, calling someone from our story right now? Because I was told that none of this was real.
(OSCAR and ROGER look at eachother and then laugh hysterically. Aaron chuckles but looks kind of disturbed. Rick begins laughing right when everyone else is petering out. His voice gets louder and he is guffawing crazily by the time everyone stops laughing.)
AARON: Dude...
KELLY: (pointing at RICK) STOPPPPITTT! Stopmakingfunofme!
ST: (coming back over, still on the cell phone)WHOA whoa. It's ok Kelly( she looks kinda close to tears) Relax. I'm just talking to Kyle, he couldn't actually be here tonight, so he's going to tell me what he does via cell phone.
(kelly sits down)
ROGER: Really? Damn. I wouldn't do that. That must cost like-
ST: Free nights/weekends.
ROGER: Ah.
ST: Ok give me one more sec everyone. (muttering into phone) Hunger Incarnation. Right. Hunger element 2, sword affinity. Yeah i got it. You remember what you have to do for that to maintain it? Ok good. If you're all set on your background and sheet then... ok great.
(Silence. Everyone leans in, straining to hear the conversation)
ST:(He looks up from his cell phone while he goes back to talking to everyone.)
ST: Ok people. We ready to (notices that they were all trying to listen in) Um, Wow. Don't you want ANY surprises?
KELLY: What's a hunger element?
OSCAR: Like you don't know, with that-
(AAron hits him in the face with a pillow)
ST: Right, well then. Ok. So you're all in the cell. You hear noises next door. What are you all going to do?
ROGER: I was talking. For the last 5 minutes apparently. I'll say "Hey, retard. What are you doing in there?"
ST: What? Oh, yea well-
ROGER: I SAID, "HEY RETARDS, WHAT-"
ST: Nono i heard you, its Kyle. Huh? Yeah ok. Sure, there are a few. Really? you're going to do that when it-Ok. Ok wow. Gross. Ok well i'll do it now, you can listen in.
ST: Ok, you're still not getting any response when
KELLY(standing up again, she points at OSCAR) HEY! I am NOT FAT.
OSCAR: ANd the last horse crosses the finish line.
(Bloody murder flashes in her eyes and she makes as if she's going to go rip out oscar's throat)
ST: (steps in front of her) OKAAYYYY then. Oscar, shut up. Kelly, relax. He only does it because you react like that. YOu aren't fat.
KELLY: Thank you.
ST: ANYWAY. As you all wait for a response, a half dozen cockroaches begin walking past your cell.
KELLY: Ewww gross, Cockroaches! I'll jump to the back of the cell. I'll say "Eww gross! Cockroaches!"
ST: Uh ok
ROGER: So?
(Rick perks up suddenly, from a deep reverie where he had his head down on his fists)
RICK: Cockroaches you say? VERY INTERESTING. (he grabs a rule book from the floor beside him and begins flipping through it furiously)
ROGER: It IS?
AARON: I'll go into the corner and comfort Titania.
KELLY: Who's that?
AARON: (looks down at her character sheet) You?
KELLY: Oh right. Awww THanks!
ST: So, anyone-
RICK: (stands up) Ok, Got it. Now, do these cockroaches have...(flips the page, then dictates from the book) "three purple dots, at the apex of the carapace")?
ST: (confused) Um, sure ok. Why not.
RICK: AHA! I will say "Orthopterous Lycanthropists! I know that you are in your insectile form, but hear me, we humbly request assistance!"
ROGER: Wait, WHAT? What did you just say?
RICK: I'll go up to the bars and whisper, so no one can hear me.
ST: Ok, so you're on your hands and knees, whispering to cockroaches.
RICK: Yes.
ST: (stifling a laugh) Ok, just, uh, just checking.
RICK: And so?
ST: Um, the.. cockroaches continue on.On second thought, they dont have those markings. I didn't know they were significant.
RICK: Oh.
ST: OK, the cockroaches continue on.
RICK: Ok, I shall watch where they travel.
ST: Then you see them disappear into the cell next to you.
RICK: Ok, I'll say "Friend next to me, watch out! For-
ST: You hear some awful noises suddenly.
ROGER: Yeah? Like what?
ST: It sounds someone eating something voraciously.
AARON: Uh, WOW.
KELLY:Huh? What does vora-
OSCAR: He's eating cockroaches.
KELLY: Eww!
ST: (on phone) Yeah, yeah you have enough now. Here I'll put you on speaker phone.
ST: Ok, you hear a voice come from the cell next to you. It says...
KYLE: (crackly voice from phone) "Hunger Sword Element: DEVOURING THE CAGE!"
ST: Then you hear a loud CLANG! LIke someone just hit the bars with something metallic.
ROGER: He has a SWORD in there? You'd think they'd take that from him.
ST: It's... complicated.
OSCAR: Did he really need to say the name of the power like that?
ST: NO, but we thought it'd be cool. Youdidn't think so?
OSCAR: No, no it was ok i guess.
ST: Ok, you all smell something. It smells like something metallic being vaporized.
ROGER: Hey, what's going on in there?
ST: OK, I'm rolling it now Kyle. 15 base, +10 for the sword, +20 for the effect of the... substance on the bars. That 20 will be per turn. (he rolls a whole LOT of die. Ok... 20 Victories. Not quite enough to get through but...
ST: (to everyone else) Ok pieces of the bars are falling off, you can hear them clanging ont he floor. You're starting to smell something else now it smells like... chemicals. Like at the pool or in a chem lab.
OSCAR: Wow rick. He kicked your ass.

Part 2 Final



ST: "ANyway. as I was saying, tell me who you're working for our i'll cut you all into quarters."
KELLY: He can turn us into quarters?
OSCAR: "Ok, go ahead. Just start with her."
KELLY: "Heeey!"
RICK: "Apologies, Sorcerer Mal, but we have no quarrel with you. We were simply sent to retrieve the Philanthropist's Rock in exchange for a favor, from a suspicously non descript man cloaked in white."
ST: (mal) "BWahaha. YOu fools. I can see that you are easily manipulated and are actuaqlly no threat to me at all. Simply swear a blood oath taht you shall never trouble me again, and I shall-"
KELLY (giggles, and then in a whisper-) Does he have to stand up and wave his arms aorund like that?
OSCAR: It's more dramatic.
ST: *AHEM* "I shall spare your pitiful lives.
AARON: "I ain't pitiful, mate"
ST: (mal) "Oh really, and if i turned you into a 3 inch lobster? Would you be pitiful then?
AARON: Obviously You got some inferority issues to work out.
ROGER: "Go ahead, idiot. Just try it." Ok, I'll cast "inexplicable cheap shot" on him.
ST: What? Um, uh. I take it your done Roger?
RICK: Pardon? SO am i to understand that he is present in our dungeon now? Very well. I'll say "Forsooth! Stranger, from whence didst thou comst? Verily, ye must have cast some dark sorcery on thyself, to have been invisible to mine eyes this whole whyle!"
ROGER: ...
RICK: Yes, gentle sir?
Do you have to talk like a retard?
OSCAR: THANK YOU.
ST: Ok. whoa whoa. Slow down.
RICK: Ok ok. I'm gonna kick him. Ok, 14 dice, +3 for "unnecesary anger" comes to...
ST: Kick who?
RICK: Him. (points to ROGER)
ST: But he isn't even in the game yet!
RICK: Ohhhh. RIght. sorry.
ST: OK, so hold on, one thing at a time.
RICK: I'll point to him in the game.
KELLY: No kicking! Only i can do that! (kicks AAron)
AARON: Hey!
OSCAR: (whispers)Hey Roger, say that you brouhgt a jug of water with you.
ST: Ok, anyway, I don't know if i can add you at this point Roger, you should wait until we finish this part, because it doesn't really make sense
OSCAR: (continues whispering)Oh, and a skeleton key.
ROGER (whispers back) WHy?
ST: That you would enter at this- Hey what are you guys talking about? Listen to me damnit (fakes crying)
OSCAR: Just do it.
ROGER: Oh
ROGER (loudly to ST) Ok, I brought a jug of water and a skeleton key with me.
ST: Brought with you? On what trip? Your magic time jaunt through fairyland and into this cell?
ROGER: Uh, yes?
KELLY: Fairy land?! Awesome, is there a door back into it?
ST: Why would you have a jug of water with you?
ROGER: Uh... well, my guy is big into the gym and sutff, so i always carry it on me.
ST: (sighs) Fine, let's just go from here and I'll assum eyou were with them the whole time. You can have the jug of water, but not the skeleton key. Ok, let's just continue.
OSCAR: Sweet! I'll go up to him "Hello stranger, might you have any extra water on you that you may be willing to spare?
ROGER: Why yes, yes i do.
ST: ....
ST: Fine, whatever.
OSCAR: Ok I'll fill it up.
ST: Great. ANYWAY.
RICK: So did i ever kick him in the head?
ROGER: ANd did I cast cheap shot on that guy?
ST: No, cuz that's dumb, and no, because youre still human. And because that's also dumb. Answer the questions?
ROGER:...
RICK:...
ST: Fabulous. Mal gives you the middle finger, and then says "Fine, rot in your cells." then he leaves.
ST: you hear noises coming from the cell next to yours, there's actually walls between cells, and you...
AARON: I'm going to see who it is.
ST:... can't see who it is.
AARON: Oh.






Sorry, I never know how long my blurbs are going to be, and i kindof ant to keep the parts whole. After if inish this section (hopefully with just one more piece) ill try to make each "part" a weekly session. So there could be a couple of posts for each.

Part II continued.

ST: Ok, we all back now? Excellent. OK, so you're all in a dungeon. You don't know what happened to the police officer when the guy in black attacked you. You haven't seen anything yet but this dungeon cell. Like I said before, it's about 15 feet square, and 20 feet tall. There are no windows. The bars are thick metal, with no discernable rust.

AARON: Well, this... this is awkward.

RICK: OK. I'm going to run at the bars and deliver a spinning lotus dragon jump kick. That's martial arts style number 3,action move 45. My combat boots add +3 to the roll, making it +14 all together. Could I have some more dice over here?

ST: Wait hold on. 14 dice for the kick?
RICK: Yes. Hold on one moment. Ok, there. I have scored 8 victories.
ST: Those bars have a victory rating of 35.
RICK: Oh.
ST: Ok, um so... I'm sorry. What was your guy's name again?
RICK: Penumbral Umbrage.
OSCAR: Just call him Bra.
ST: Let's go with Pen. Pen runs into the bars and jumps into the air, kicking it as hard as he can, but there's just a thumping vibration sound. And, your foot hurts now.
RICK: I'll sit back down and rub my foot. "These bars are pretty tough."
OSCAR: No shit genius.
RICK: I'll ignore him. Wait- I'm not even going to look in his direction!
ST: Um, Ok.
OSCAR: I'm going to squirt-
ST: You're out of water. Totally out of water. Completely. Gone. You may never find trick flower filling water again ever.
OSCAR: Damnit.
AARON: "Well, mates.. obviously we need someone to spring us... from this jail cell. I don't have any ideas... myself... at the present time, So i shall leave all the heavy thinking to you gents." I'll sit back in the corner, and tip my hat down (Aaron does the same, putting on a huge hat he dind't have before)
OSCAR: Whoa, where'd you get that?
AARON: My car.
OSCAR:I can't decide whether that's really stupid, or really awesome.
ST: Um, trapped in a cell? Untimely deaths imminent?
RICK: You probablly think its stupid, because you think everything is stupid.
ST: Ok... moving on... Someone approaches. Black shadows leak out from his cloak.

ST: "Good evening, foolth. My name ith MALAOVITH, THE MALEFETHENT!
KELLY: What? What's wrong with you? Is there something wrong with your tongue? Are you OK?
ST: No, I mean yes. I was just you know, doing an NPC. So anyway, continuing... "I wath the one who brought you down into thith hole in the groun. Becauth-"
KELLY:(giggles) I'm sorry, but can you stop that? I just can't take it.
ST: (sighs) Let's just try to keep going shall we? "Ath i wath thaying..."
KELLY: (giggling uncontrollably, she slaps ST on the knee) Heheheh stop that! I can't take anymore!
ST: What? See, he's just creepy, but with a lisp. A cute creepy, that moves into scary again, because it's disturbing in its macabre irony.
OSCAR: Nah. It's just lame.
AARON: (laughing) That was awesome. Do that again.
RICK: I must reluctantly agree with my compatriots.
ST: "Ith painth me, heroeth, thath you don'th thake your thituation more theriouthly, tho I..."
KELLY: EEK! Stop it! (slaps ST again)
ST: (throwing his hands up in the air) FINE! Whatever! I can't add any color into my stories apparently. He says "Yo, lame ass retards, my name's Mal, and I caught you in my cell. Now spill about who sent you, or i'll pull off your skin with a barbed fish hook."
OSCAR: Now that was cool.
KELLY: Since I'm a teddy bear, can i squeeze through the bars?
ST: (throws up his hands and leans back towards the door)YOU ARE NOT A TEDDY BEAR!
ROGER: (entering the room) Oh. Well I know that much.


AARON: Hey man! How was work?!
ROGER: Crappy. So what's going on?
OSCAR: We're all in prison.
ROGER: Damn. THat sucks. What happened?
OSCAR: Ask bra bra. Oh i'm sorry, I mean douche bag.
ROGER: What? WHo?
ST: Never mind. Roger, just get to making that character sheet, and I'll find a place to throw you in. OK continuing on...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Hahahaa. Ah. At least i'm enjoying myself if nothing else. You see? There's a shot against me. There, now no one can complain about anything.

Bleak Universe

Part II

(later)

RICK: ... and that's why you're a pointless, stupid, infantile bastard.
OSCAR: I'm sorry, did you say something?

ST: Um Ok, good. Well we've been going a hwile now, so I guess we can take a break there and... cool off. I have to say, after all the introductions taking over an hour, I didn't think we'd have any time to actually get anywhere.

RICK: We're in prison. And this is all obviously HIS fault (points to Oscar).

OSCAR: Yeah whatever. I wasn't the one who shouted "I'd watch thy step, constable, for the arcane magics of the hinterworld shall bring about thy downfall!" when a cop came up to us and asked us what we were doing, that was real smart. Especailly since you're still human, dumbass.

RICK: SHut up. You're the one who squired him with a flower when he walked around the corner we were hiding behind, ass. You know, I've never liked you, or anything about you. And if you keep pushing me, someday i'm going to SNAP (He snaps fingers once. He gives oscar a giant grin, then...)
RICK: I'm going to the lavatory facilities.(leaves)

KELLY: Hey, come onnnn! Stop fighting you guys.
AARON: Wow. WEll, that was awkward. So...I'm getting a soda.(leaves)

(after a minute)

OSCAR: I wish i had a trick flower in real life for moments like those. I should go get one.

ST: Maybe you should lay off him, just a little, you know. For a change in pace.
OSCAR: I have no idea what you're talking about.

(few more minutes go by, everyone re-enters)

______________________________________________________________________________________


Ill finish this one with an edit later. Heh it occurs to me that some people may pick up that i based these characters on people. Heh. DOnt worry, ill have ST do some dumb things too. ALso, i very highly exagerated all the characters, and am slowly changing them away from their roots, so to speak. So if you think you've figured it out, take it as a compliment if anything, you made the games interesting :) Hehe. Besides, like i said,a ll the cahracters are super hyperbolic (way over the top) they are really nothing like their bases. If i did have a base, it was just to make it easier to begin somewhere. **Disclaimer ended** Yeah, so i'll come back and finish this one in edits laters.