What I have in common with infomercials.

We tend to make no sense and are extremely strange or "off" somehow on an unconcious level.

Two examples of each.


1) MITCH

Ok, so I was standing over the toilet peeing the other day. I remember I had to go pretty bad and so I was there for a minute or two. Only, my need to go wasn't diminishing at all. You know- that incredible feeling of relief, like when daffy duck gets lit on fire and races around until he finally lands in a pond or conveniently placed bucket of water. That feeling.

(As a side note, apparently lighting obnoxious ducks on fire is considerably less funny in real life. But that's a different (fictional) story)

Anyway, I wasn't getting that feeling at all. Just the same uncomfortable pressure. Five minutes went by and I was still going at it steadily. Ten minutes. Twenty. HALF AN HOUR. At this point I was thinking "What the hell? Have I been cursed or something? You have to hand it to the creative warlock who came up with that one.

That's about the time I woke up from my dream. I promptly got out of bed and relieved myself, grateful that my body is a lot smarter than my brain.


2)INFOMERCIAL

I was watching this infomercial a while back about some Betty Crocker bowl set or something. It was had all these utensils and things used to make hollow cakes you can then inject frosting into. As soon as it came on I called and ordered 6 billion, one for everyone in the world. because if you can't inject cakes with frosting, why live?

Just kidding. I ignored the commercial mostly, but one line towards the end of it really stuck out at me. I'm not kidding. The narrarator actually said-

"It's the most fun you'll ever have with the inside of a cake!"

Now, maybe I'm the only one who immediately makes certain awful connections regarding this bold statement, but i doubt it. I mean come on. If he just said it's the most fun you'll ever have with "cakes" or "baking" that would make sense. But to be so specific as to say "the INSIDE of a cake" that's just suspicious. Plus he seemed so enthusiastic. Maybe he knew something else, some dark secret about the most fun HE'S ever had with the inside of a cake.

Ok I grossed myself out.


3)MITCH

A poem.
*Ahem*

___________________________________________________________________

I

If a full grown man of two meters in stature,
is through some mechanism supplanted
into a common match box;
He will suffer considerable discomfort.

This is a matter of common science

___________________________________________________________________

I had this idea for a prose-poem in which I start off with a sort of casual sounding outrageous metaphor. But then I found myself comically unable to continue the metaphor. I hope to actually someday write more parts that actually have a point to them, but for now it's just a sort of bizzarre nonsequitir. Maybe i'll leave it that way, as a tribute to bizzarity (yes i know that's not a word, but it is now, because i command it so.)


4)INFOMERCIAL

Now that I think about it, I guess this is more of a public service message than an infomercial but oh well. I saw one today that was about smoking marijuanna. They open up with an old lady sitting at a dinner table waiting. I think the clock ticks ominously a few times and then a voice over comes in with something like-

"YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D BE TOO STONED TO HAVE DINNER WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER, DID YOU?" And then they flash the symbol from whoever supports these things.

I dunno, i just thought it was kind of hilarious. I think the people who write these commercials should do a little more research. Too stoned to have dinner?

I feel like the minutes before that little scene would be like-

"Dude, aren't you supposed to like, be somewhere right now, or whatever?"
"Oh man, you're right, my grandma's making dinner!"
"Serious? What are we doing here then?"

And then the son and all of his stoner friends swarm grandma's table. Although, I guess crunchy things are more the craving after smoking pot then dinner type stuff. Unless grandma is making A roast turkey made completely of cheetos or something. Ok maybe not. Although that does sound like something one of my high friends might come up with. See? I don't have to be high to come up with these things. I'm just like that naturally.




So probablly by now you're thinking-

"But Mitch, your four stories don't really have anything in common"

To which I hesitatingly reply-

"They illustrate that, um, if peopel are weird enough, it will come out even when their tryng to hide it."

And then of course you'd say, with that know-it-all tone of yours-

"But that's not what you said in the beginning. You're completely disjointed. I mean it's almost as if you just thought of four random stories and then came up with some lame excuse about how they were related to make it look like you know what you're doing


Which would inevitibly would lead to a few minutes of awakward silence and then finally I would yell-

"I DARE YOU TO SAY THAT AGAIN!" while loading my Rocket Launcher.

"Mitch, wake up and stop drooling all over the carpet" would be your witty retort.


It's strange how dreaming about violence isn't as troubling as dreaming about urination.

I pledge that next time, I'll make no sense in a more sensical fashion.