The Funny

2009-08-24T14:07:00.000-07:00

Annoying Things my Copy editors do-

-Write paragraphs on corrections twice as large as the paragraph that I wrote.
-Use poor sentence structure to criticize my sentence structure- "Your use of the same word for two sentence in a row is unnecessary right, that's a bit redundant, correct?"
-Give me perfectly contradictory advice. I had two Copy Editors do that today. I swear it looks like they planned it out. One wrote "You don't need two steps for this, just write "Download and Install." So, I thought, "Oh OK" and I wrote "Download and Install" on my next assignment. The next copy editor writes a huge "HOW?" next to that step. So I growl and write it out in multiple steps again.

Repeat until sufficiently angry. It's too bad I don't work with them in person. I could have them duel it out to the death to decide who's right. That would be awesome.

2009-08-23T02:04:00.001-07:00

I feel the urge to make fun of personal ads on the internet. You know, the profiles that are all exactly the same. So i decided to write one of my own, by taking one I happened to see online, and writing it's exact opposite. This would be this person in bizarro world.

So, for your viewing pleasure-

The anti profile:

Name: Not Susan
Self Summary: I'm pretty co-dependent and do a lot of things not on my own, but instead with my co-dependent friends in tow. I love not traveling, not doing yoda and not "hanging out". I never hang with my friends in "casual settings". I hate going to the theatre. I would hate nothing more than to bake/cook more.

I am cruel, never sarcastic, and I am very protective of my "beating up my friends" time.

***
Books/music/etc.

I never read books and I hate reading. There's now way i would be caught dead watching insipid reality shows or TV programs about "teenagers" who are in their late thirties.
***

A typical Friday Night:

I have a typical friday night. Not like everyone else in God's green earth who answers this question with "I don't have one of those, tee hee, i can stay in or go out with ease!" My typical friday night does not include "taking it easy", "maybe seeing a movie" or "Just hanging out." My typical friday night involves shunning my friends, burning down movie theatres and taking everything HARD.

***
You should message me if:

You are an unforgivably cruel, freakishly abnormal girl looking for the same, or if you think we could have some horrible, soul-crushing conversations.

***
Fin
***
Eh, not my best, but some of it did amuse me. Maybe I'll get a better idea later and I can rework it.

2009-07-02T01:39:00.001-07:00

Sometimes i want to just wildly lie to people in "How To" articles. It's a tragedy that i don't. I miss out on comic gold like answering articles like "How Do I Find Spyware on my computer" with like "Hire a detective".

And answering stupid ones that like "How to recover file software" With like "I don't know how do you recover clothing pants?"

2009-06-26T00:28:00.000-07:00

I hate it when copy editors send me notes like "Please edit for clarity and proofread". OK, so i missed something. But wait a minute-"please edit"? Isn't that YOUR job? What exactly do you do again? Man I wish I could just point at things and say "fix this". I should start a television repair company that just sends broken TVs back to their owners with sticky notes on them that say "This is broken, I suggest you fix it".

You out-lazied me. Well done sir.

2009-04-20T23:08:00.000-07:00

Copyright law is the stupidest thing ever. You can't so much as post a picture of a chicken in an article you sell online without:

Asking the chicken's permission, asking the farmer who own's the chicken's permission, asking the owner of the windmill in the background's permission, asking the permission of the jet company that owns the jet that appears as a tiny speck in the background of the picture, etc., ad nauseum.

Maybe it's good I didn't become a lawyer after all. Although if there is a hell, there should be a separate lawyer hell, and copyright lawyers should be right at the bottom. There, they are made to take pictures of eachother to post in daily updated blogs, with proper permission obtained, of course.

The only real thing I can do with impunity is take pictures of myself. I should just take pictures of myself typing and be like "this is how you type up an essay!"

2009-03-06T21:20:00.000-08:00

Lately I'm getting some practice writing freelance articles. I just did one entitled "How to Remove Popup Blockers for Free".

I imagine obviously some people aren't as familiar with computers as me, and to them sch an article will be of great help. But to me that is like writing an article called "How to Urinate in a Toilet Without Peeing Yourself". It seems so obvious it's hard to believe that you will actually sit down, close your eyes to think about it for a minute and then write something like

Step 1: Go to bathroom
Step 2: Remove pants carefully
Step 3: Sit down on toilet, taking care not to fall in.

And I'm supposed to add in things too, such as links to other helpful websites, (which in this case would surely be a link to a Mental Ward), keywords ('moron' is the first one that comes to mind, perhaps that is unkind of me) and Tips and Warnings

Tips and Warnings? What the heck do i write for tips and warnings regarding something so basic?

"Warning: Failing to urinate can have serious medical side effects."
"Tips: It is ok to quit peeing in case of a Ninja attack, but you should resume once they have been repelled."

2009-02-11T23:39:00.000-08:00

One thing I do for a living while I'm not coming up with glorious one-liners for this blog, is edit student papers as a tutor. I work for a service, and not specific students as clients most of the time. This means that each student gets about 20 minutes. This is not a lot of time to read the essay, make suggestions, send it back to them, and talk about why their grammar makes me cry.

Ipso facto, students who tell me to "check everything" when I ask what they want me to look for in their essay that looks like a drunk hamster wrote it as a side effect from running across a keyboard, well- it is irritating.

Check everything? Really? Absolutely everything?

Careful now, wayward student. I'm planning on going to grad school for creative writing, you may not want to give me carte blanche to check everything I can think of.

It makes me want to check their paper from the perspective of a Japanese speaker, pointing out that the only words I recognized in their paper were "ninja" "samurai" and "no", this last being not used as a verb at all.

I would check for every single informal fallacy, and point out all of them in excruciating detail. I would point out to them that i checked their paper for heroic verse, and that the feet, meter, and rhyming scheme were all wrong, as well as a suspicious lack of an epic central hero, unless you count them on their daring adventures involving their class trip to a museum, which I don't. Unless they beheaded a tour guide, in which case, maybe.

2009-01-08T22:58:00.000-08:00

From: Mr. Usman KARIM,
The Manager in Charge of
Auditing department of
Bank of Africa (B.O.A)

Hello Dear Friend,

This already looks good. I didn't realize I had any friends from Africa! It's a shame he forgot my name and had to write "Hello Dear Friend" instead, though. What gives Mr. KARIM? I'm starting to think we aren't friends after all.

This mail might come to you as a surprise and the temptation to ignore it as unserious could come into your mind but please consider it a divine wish and accept it with a deep sense of humility.

Once I figure out what "unserious" means, I may certainly get that temptation, yes. Wow! A divine wish! Were you a banker for GOD? Way to go straight for the "I swear this isn't a scam" trick. And If I am suspicious of your motives, well you just dash them right away by demanding my humility. Well played, Sir.

Sometimes the urgency of a letter could determine the channel in which it is sent, this letter is very urgent and important and the fastest channel to reach you is via your email address. I got your contact through Burkina Faso Information Exchange I decided to contact you.

Since I imagine your about to tell me that your the esteemed banker for someone with a metric boatload of money, how clever of you to claim that the "urgency of a letter could determine the channel in which it is sent", explaining why this important message outlining the transfer of millions of dollars was handled as an EMAIL. What's wrong KARIM? Were things really so urgent that you couldn't spend 10 seconds making a phone call to, I don't know, say a BANK? Your only option was to troll the internet? You seemed to have enough time to look up addresses on the "Burkina Faso Information exchange". Funny, I don't remember registering with them. Man, I must've been so drunk.

I am seeking your humble assistance to provide either an existing bank account or set up a new Bank account to receive this fund, even an empty account can serve this purpose, or you help to seek an honest and, reliable businessman who can assist us.

You know Karim, you could just use the yellow pages. Just open it up to the "honorable businessmen" section. Wow, you sure do cut to the quick. Most people would wait a few more paragraphs before asking for bank account information. But I understand Karim, you just want to get that unpleasant business out of the way. I can even give you an empty account? You aren't going to wait until I put funds in it or try to steal my identity to get access to other accounts that do have money in them, are you KARIM? No, I apologize. That was suspicious of me. It's important that we trust each other this early in our business relationship.

Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that this transaction is being handled by me and my colleagues, who are also departmental heads in the same bank.

I am Mr. Usman KARIM, The Manager in charge of Auditing department of Bank of Africa (B.O.A) Ouagadougou Burkina Faso in West Africa , with due respect and Regard, I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that need your Urgent assistance and will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction.

Can you receive 19.5m, (Nineteen million five hundred thousand USD) on my behalf and you will be compensated with 30% of it, while 5% will be set aside to take care of expenses that may arise during the time of transfer, and 65% will be for me ?

Wow! Is it OK if I receive millions of dollars for having an empty bank account and essentially doing nothing? I don't know Mr. Usman. That's quite a tall order. There are an awful lot of numbers and symbols in that sentence. But, OK. I think I can manage it. Thank god you found someone of my particular subset of skills- that is, having an empty bank account and being able to sit around and collect money. I bet I was the only one in that category in the "Burkina Faso Information Exchange". I don't know KARIM. Maybe I should haggle for a higher rate.

***
OK I guess I should explain real quick in case your Sarcastometer(patent pending!) is broken.

I just got one of those "nigerian scam" emails in my junk box. So far I've only read the first line, I swear. but I can already tell that's what it is. The premise is that somehow someone needs to give you a lot of money for some reason that makes no sense, and all they need for this to happen is your bank account number. The reason it's called "nigerian" is that apparently a lot of them are from that region, and the English is always hilariously scrambled.

This one is kinda long though. If I'm still feeling funny enough next week, I may finish it off, because it does have some rather amusing logical problems later on.

2008-12-06T15:01:00.000-08:00

Awesome English translation quotes-

"You cannot run away from extreme strike sensation." (-"Rakion" ad, an online video game).

This sounds like it could be a threat. Or maybe a come-on? I'm not sure.

"In fact, that there are plenty of people who have wilf like base arrangement in the process of dna antidoting, is found in 2010..." ("Wolf team" ad, another online game.)

I love how that second one makes it seem like they're picking up in the middle of a conversation you've never had. What? Don't you remember asking about 'Wilf-like' people? I'm sure you did...

2008-12-02T22:53:00.001-08:00

OK. Time to see if I can be funny on command again, sine it's Wednesday. Maybe if i keep the Wednesday deadline enough times my 3 readers will remember too. heh.

***

I was just listening to the song "Human" by the Killers. It's actually really cool, and I like it, despite the controversy.

It has a line in it that reads 'Are we Human/Or are we Dancer?"

I think it works as a song because the feeling of the song is brought across through the music as much as the words, so that I didn't even notice how goddamned insane that sounds until like the fifth go round.

I guess the idea was supposed to be that 'Dancer' is supposed to replace 'Human' as a race. And this idea came from something Hunter Thompson said in an article in the Rolling Stones at some point in the past, about how Americans are now 'dancers', i.e., they follow the footsteps of others rather than innovating their own.

The rest of the song goes on to talk about this idea quite well, but that one line...

I mean, seriously? You don't want to give us any hints at all?

Inaccessible art is masturbation.

You can dance to it in your room if you really want(ironical!), but don't try getting away with random references that no one has any chance of getting.

Unless you're prepared to knock on the door of everyone in the world who listens to your music, and explain it to them.

In that case, I'm all for it.

I'll be the one sitting in front of the door-
With the hammer.

Although, I just know that somewhere some hardcore nerds are giggling through their noses while listening to the song and saying like "Hunter Thompson reference! High five!"

And then they high five their cat or something.

In closing, a song lyric idea-

"If you don't account for the cost,
Just like the *Minnow..."

*-"The Minnow" refers to the boat in Gilligan's Island, which of course has the lyric in the theme song which goes "the Minnow will be lost" As anyone with a fistful of encylopedias(tm) you obviously insert "The just like the Minnow, you'll be lost" into the song.

Really. I have to spend all my time explaining the obvious.

(If you are shouting 'WEAK!', while poised over the computer screen with a sledgehammer at this point, then I feel your pain, brother.)

***

Eh, not my best. But still fun.

2008-09-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

Plucked from Craig's List-

"I am looking to join a group of people who are interested in developing their psychic skills. I am looking for other old souls...people that are already spiritually aware and vibrate at a high frequency."

It took me quite a while to stop laughing after reading this. Not only does it appeal to people who want to develop psychic abilities (worded in such a way to make it clear you are DEVELOPING them, since of course, you already have them), but VIBRATE at HIGH FREQUENCY? Really?

I mean thank god they finally came up with a support group for that.

I mean, sheesh. I can't pick up solid objects without them shivering right through me half the time. Dog's bark at me wherever i go from the high frequency vibrations i give off.

I bet you all know someone who vibrates at high frequency. They get that pained look on their face and then start shaking all over. When you inquire what's wrong they might reply-

"Shh, I'm vibrating..."
This may ellicit a confused inquiry. TO which they will reply-

"At high frequency."

"Ohhhh." You might exclaim, finally satisfied and secure in your knowledge.

2008-08-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

I was just considering an application form box for how to get paid for doing stuff online. And after you choose from a drop down menu, you're supposed to fill in the box that says "payment options". And of course, underneath it is "alternative payment method".

I wonder if it says something about my personality that I was sorely tempted to write,

"Hold up the money at a port city at midnight. A flying lemur will swing by to pick it up."

They probably wouldn't believe me though.

2008-07-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

Something Funny.

Fail.

2008-07-15T21:35:00.001-07:00

I seem to be making a habit of posting in the first hour of wednesday instead of properly during the day, but I'm afraid that otherwise I'd forget.

****

A couple weeks ago I was in the Borders parking lot, and I saw something written in chalk. It look like it said "Fuck work", and there was some sort of smudged square next to it.

A week or two later, I saw that the spot had been cleaned up, and written again more clearly.

I now saw that it read:

"Fuck the World". And below, there was a 'tag' signature. It's hard to do on here, but it was something like this:
_____ _____
TO___X___IC

With the X very large, and the end of each of the four points of the X was extended so that it completely covers the other letters from top and bottom.

Hopefully you get the idea. Anyway- I saw that this "Toxic" fellow had freshened his nihilistic piece of chalky art recently. He seems to take his little soapbox, parking lot sermon pretty seriously.

This knowledge goes straight to feeding my sense of impish mischief, of course. The first thing I thought of, was getting a piece of chalk of my own, and finding another piece of parking lot real estate: perhaps further up.

Then I would take care to look in one direction, and then the other, to be certain no one was watching. After which, with no small amount of impish glee, I would write:

"I wuv my wittle bunny hop-hops" and then proceed to solemnly sign it-

_____ _____
TO___X___IC

With his same tag symbol.

So if I'm found dead sometime in the future with a gangster style shot in the back of my head, you'll know what happened.

In case of this, here's the epitaph you should use-

"So worth it".

2008-06-24T23:10:00.000-07:00

Awesome line of the day-

"You think balancing on a giant sessaw is hard? Wait until someone hands you a 22 pound barrel!"

I love when writers imply a previous conversation that you haven't had.

This was in a flashback for the Japanese show "Unbeatable Banzuke" which is pretty hilarious anyway, as it has contestants trying to beat all sorts of weird sports challenges.

But still, the fact that they opened up after commercials with a line like that makes me how confused I'd be if I'd just turned on the show without previously watching the weird challenge.

It also makes me think that you should try this-

Next time someone sits down next to you in a park bench, here's what you should do-

Stand up suddenly, get all pissed off and say-

"WHat did you say? You think balancing on a giant Seesaw is hard? Well buddy, just wait until someone hands you a 22 pound barrel, THEN you'll be in for it!"

2008-06-17T22:53:00.000-07:00

Hey it's technically Wednesday, neat. Ah what the heck, I might as well try to keep a regular schedule of these things, I almost always have dumb little blurbs I can do.

***

I was watching the Celtics game tonight, which was Game 6 of the NBA finals, for those of you who live in caves(just kidding, I don't always know what major sporting event is going on either)

Anyway, all you need to know is that if the Celtics won tonight (which they did), then there wouldn't be a Game 7 in 2 days, since the series would be over.

During the pregame, one of the announcer said something like:

"And remember, we'll be with you regardless of the outcome tonight, for Game 7 tomorrow, at the Boston Garden".

I can sort of understand what he meant by this I suppose, but I choose not to do so. And really, why say it like that? Good job evoking a sense of network loyalty by using a logic that makes no sense. Way to count on the average attention span during sports pregames.

But even in the face of this obvious quasi logic-I plan on keeping ABC at their word.

OK ABC, I'll see you on Thursday, at the Garden. And by God, you better have announcers there. If I'm going to sneak past security to break into a completely abandoned building, it better be worth it.

I expect the play by play to go something like this;

BOB: Well Tom, It's good to be here for not Game 7, here on Thursday night at the Garden.
TOM: YOu said it, Bob. It's look out to be quite a non-existant basketball game.

12 minutes later-

TOM: Well Bob, that was quite a boring quarter, I have to say.
BOB: Can't argue with you there Tom, there were 0 points, 0 fouls, and well, let's face it, 0 players.
TOM: Good point, Bob, if this continues then- wait, we appear to have a player entering the court!
BOB: If I'm not mistaken, his disheveled appearance and cardboard box would make him-
TOM: That's right Bob, a hobo.

BOB: Oh! It looks like he's soiled his pants. That play's going to go a long way to hurt his street cred.

***
Haha, well that was fun. There's nothing quite like making fun of the homeless. Though if he broke into boston gardens, then obviously hes some sort of homeless ninja. Also, the phrase "street cred" is always funny.

2008-05-07T22:49:00.000-07:00

Ah right, it's wednesday again, I forgot.

I just watched a commercial that had an old lady in a laundramat misunderstand a sales pitch about "eating 5 dollars" by popping a 5 dollar bill in her mouth.

A close inspection of the commercial reveals the line "Dramatization, do not attempt" in small text below.

I find the very fact that they feel they need that line to be highly hilarious. Across the nation kids are choking on 5 dollar bills, dreaming of lawsuits.

They should do that in movies. Like when Palpatine electrocutes everyone with magic lightning (DRAMATIZATION: DO NOT ATTEMPT)

The real question is, why are you not trying to sue Lucasarts right now for trying to force lightning someone and falling out of a window, spraining your ankle?

***
UPDATE-

Per request, here's the link to the commercial

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVK3eWjeOLk

2008-04-30T14:50:00.000-07:00

Stupid Ideas #1

The protestant church should do a commercial to promote flagging interest. But how do they incorperate the right amount of pop culture to reach today's young hip crowd?

I have the perfect solution. It involved Method Man, wearing a protestant minister outfit and becoming-

Methodist Man.

________________________________________________________________________________________
Oh man. i can't stop laughing about that. This is the profoundly stupid kind of humor. Ah. The best kind.

I guess I'll try updating regularly again. Let's go with, Wednesdays. My careful choice has nothing to do with the fact that today is Wednesday.

It's all because I'm a big Odin fan.

As Zefrank would say- Jokes for nerds!

2007-12-26T00:20:00.001-08:00

If you're intersted in a word, you use a simple dictionary, like at dictionary.com. Of etymology or any other specific or vaguely connected details of the word are what you're looking for, you use an encylopedia.

And if you want to read about a word as if it was the center of the universe, and have simple aspects of it described in hilariously verbose language:

You go to wikipedia.

Try looking up vulgar words. It's INSANE the amount of detail they put into it. And they turn hilarious phrases with practically zero irony.

Like this one- "'Give me a bite of that shit' implies a deliciousness notably absent from the literal substance."

Somehow this scholar seems like a word scientist to me. Upon hearing and becoming familiar with a casual turn of phrase like the above, I imagine him furrowing his brow, writing down in detail what exactlty was meant, why, and every possible interpretation and explanation of what precise idiomatic, metaphorical, or euphamatic category it should fall under.

(You see what I did there? Tons of unnecesary description. It's fun isn't it?)

I can imagine him with his horn-rimmed glasses, at his computer at a dorm in college. He is eating a bag of potato chips and his roomate drifts in from the hall, saying "Yo give me a bite of that shit!" And then, after several awkward seconds, the writer hands over the bag, a funny expression on his face.

He then heads off to the bathroom to experiment. I mean really, how else would you come up with the phrase 'a deliciousness notably absent from the literal substance'.

There I go being all hypocritical again.

(Side-note: I misspelled hypocritical initially with an 'i' and the spell checker advised I should change it to 'hippo critical'. I could write an entire article just on that.)

Maybe I should write some wikipedia articles. I wonder if they have an entry for 'ba-dump ching'.

How about this- 'An onomatopoeiac expression indicating a combination of percussonistic beats often used to punctuate witticisms."

Honestly, if you don't know what 'ba-dump ching' or 'give me a bite of that shit' means, how are you going to interpret something like that? Eh, I guess different countries like England, Australia might benefit from cultural analysis. Still, you have to admit it seems a little silly.

And musing on the topic amuses me greatly either way.

2007-12-10T22:29:00.000-08:00

Some Advice on Commercials-

Have you ever encountered that ONE commercial that really pisses you off? Maybe it's the whole feather/camel scenario where it's just one more fake celebrity endorsement/stategic product placement than is alotted in Sanity Slots(tm) in your brain.

WEll, I think I may be able to help. The solution is surprisingly simple. Here, I'll give you an example that I've encountered recently, and that has been driving me crazy. It's a dunkin donuts commercial where the plucky celibrity actor fires off some fake crap about the holidays and christmas shopping, and how the only solution is a coolata enema. She inserts a whole lot of winking and what I can only imagine is supposed to be a winning giggle. It's so fake and 'holiday fever' common denominator that I imagine cutting her in half with one of those giant scottish claymroe swords every single time.

But I tell you, there is a better way. The next time you encounter your commercial weak spot, do this:

While the actor is talking, replace the name of whatever product their pushing with HUMAN BABY.

Let's try a paraphrased version of my commercial with this new technique, shall we?

Fade-in. Celebrity walks through a fake space filled with christmas junk. She turns non-chalantly towards the camera.

FAKE CELEBRITY: (stamped fresh with appropriate sympathetic attitude) You know, the holidays can be real tough sometimes. But you know what I do when I feel the Holiday Blahs? (appropriate dramatic pause, followed by a smile brigher than a thousand abombs) I go down to Dunkins and get myself a HUMAN BABY. It really helps pick me up so I can go shopping. I also love to share a HUMAN BABY with my mother, just for the holidays. Delish! (cue winking and winning giggle)

Suddenly the entire commercial is turned around. Even the incredibly annoying wink and giggle are now far more hilarious than they were last time I saw the commercial.It's all about the secret hidden context.

Go ahead, try it out yourself. You can ride Human babies through rugged terrain, use human babies to insure your car, sing along with the amazing HUMAN BABY Christmas special.

This message brought to you by: Super Non-PC-o-vision.

2007-09-18T18:52:00.000-07:00

You know what time it is boys and girls? THat's right! It's rank on random webcomics time!

I have so many evil comments running through my brain all the time, it's important to let some of them out. Like...uh, like an- EVIL EMERGENCY RELEASE PRESSURE VALVE(tm)! (cue lightning and manical laughter, followed by anti-climactic gentle hissing)

Anyways, so I was flipping through random webcomics and there was this vote incentive for one of them and the FIRST thing that entered my brain was this: "If you added an arm cannon to one arm, She'd look just like megaman's transsexual sister". (If you really wanna see it, it's here. you'll have to vote for it. it's the crayon-ish drawing on the right, the old one:http://www.buzzcomix.net/in.php)

But the point is, that is probably the first time those words have ever been spoken in that ordering. Now that would be an awesome way to confuse people. Go ahead try it this week.

Like this:

Pizza Guy: "Here's your order. That'll be $18.95.
YOU: "Thanks megaman's transexual sister!" (take pizza, give money, close door. Make sure you look through the eye hole to see his expression.)

I wonder who I have to fear more from about posting this article, Megaman fans, the webcomic in question, or well, the other group. My guess is hardcore megaman fans are lacking in hardcore firepower, as well as basic motor skills.

He'd show up at my house, in his late thirties, a cardboard funnel painted blue and tied to his forearm and say-
Megaman fan: "How dare you desecrate the name of Megaman-sama! SHINE!' Then he'd run around outside gesticulating wildly with his cardboard plasma gun, yelling "BEW-BEW! BEWBEWBEWBEWBEW!"

On second thought I take that back. I wouldn't wanna cross megaman fanatics.

*** Incredible Un-PC post concluded***

2007-07-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

Notes from Fanfiction.com-

A story description:

"A Sidhe knight, who has turned from hero to villain without any clue how that happened, and a Kinain sorcerer apprentice, who is a wanted man and knows all too well how that happened, gets sent on a mission that is too all appearances suicidal...". (copied ver batim)

I find this endlessly amusing. It's all in the wording. I imagine the fairy knight, in bright armour with blues, oranges, and purples bespeckling it everywhere. He's riding his horse cheerfully down the road, birds chirping cheerfully, and there's one of those suns with the mirrored shades and a tiny thumbs up hand.

Then *POP* he's in town, lightening and dark swirling miasma everywhere, burning an orphanage and laughing his ass off. After all, he had no clue how this happened.

And then the kinain sorcerer is holed up in his evil hovel, with the police telling him to come out with his magic fire spewing hands up. How did he become a wanted man? Then he looks down at all the burnt corpses in his room. Oh right.

He knew all too well how that happened.

***

Heh. I probablly have little word lapses like that too. But oh well. It's still funny.

2007-07-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe
Part VIII

ST: "Welcome back everyone. Here Kelly, this is for you. It's a note that will help start off the story."

OSCAR: "Or it's a loooove note."
KELLY: (blushing) "He wishes!"
OSCAR: "I was just kiddin'. That part's already filled."
KELLY: (suspicious) "What do you mean? Are you trying to-".

ST:(cutting them off) "Anyway- how often do you announce a love note to the whole room?"
OSCAR: "Point."

KELLY: (reading the note and narrowing her eyes) "But what does this MEAN?"
ST: (eyeroll) It means you start doing that, and people can decide what to do then."

AARON: Ok, we're ready. Let's go.
RICK: Agreed.
AARON Ready to rock and roll.. er that is rock in a heavy metal, deep iron kind of-".
ST: "You're trying to make a pun about your Iron Element aren't you."
AARON: (hangs head) "...yes."

ST:"Ok, Kelly are you going to-".
KELLY: (deep breath) "OKAY. I'm gonna do it! I'll do this (holds up paper)."

ST: "Ok. Good. Great. Fabulous. Anyway-".
OSCAR: "Did you just say 'fabulous'? What are we in a gay disco bar in philedelphia?"
AARON: "Whoa. That was specific. Now I'm all suspicious."

ST:"ANYWAY. You were out and about, at the mall or something. And Kelly suddenly takes off."

AARON: "Ok, I'll follow."
RICK: "I will also. Is she perhaps on the trail of something ARCANE and/or MYSTICAL?" (holds up his hand in a sorcerer pose grabbing an imaginary sphere)
ST:"... Why do people always ask me questions I cant answer?"
OSCAR: "Boring. I guess I'll go as well."

ST: "Ok Kelly. You follow the feeling into an alley."
OSCAR: "Man is this starting to sound real promising. Does her "feeling" way a ot of make up?"
KELLY: (reading the note again)"WAIT! I get it! Do I see anything? In the alley I mean? Well? Do I?"
AARON: "Is there anyone in this alley?"
RICK: "I will enter the alley and concentrate. Do I sense any cosmic vibrations?"

ST: "Whoa whoa. One at a time. Kelly: Okok. No it looks empty. AARON: Again, no. RICK: Ok."

OSCAR: I'll peek out the end of the alley and look around. What buildings are next to us?
ST: A closed pet store the left, some sort of fast food place on your right. You can't quite see the sign.
OSCAR: Ok. I'll say, "Ok this is lame. Why'd you lead us here anyway?"
KELLY: "I don't know! There has to be something here, let's look around!"

ST: Rick, are you still concentrating?
RICK: Yes. At the maximum.
ST: You all hear a grinding sound coming from a darkened window on your right.
OSCAR: We see creepy boy concentrating right? I'll go over and shake him. "Hey quit that, you're going to-".

ST: Something that looks like a metallic cart crashes through half through the window. It spills a really hot dark material onto all of you in the alley.
KELLY: What?! That isn't
OSCAR: Wait. What kind of material?
ST: You see little curved yellow things among the dark material. The dark material smells spicy.

OSCAR: Hmm. Yellow curved things? Like shells? And spicy dark material. Like taco meat.
AARON: What? What's going on?
OSCAR: 'What's going on' is Rick just got Taco Bell to crap all over us.

***
I'm going a bit Kelly heavy again. She's one of the easiest to write, after all. I should probably give her an actual arc at some point.

In case you didn't notice-I'm trying to incorporate a little of all of the suggestions I got. This one was mostly John's. Excuse me _________'s. I'll do nick's next time.

I should really start another strong plot arc at some point.

2007-07-05T14:39:00.001-07:00

Another quick news thingy.

Go here-http://darkduality.smackjeeves.com/

and vote for Dark Duality to see character sketches. Jordan didn't even tell me he had done them :/ I think they look pretty good though. Yah?

I should really update with content. Hmm.

2007-06-29T13:52:00.000-07:00

Endless News Pimping!

The Crazy German has put up the comic website! It's here: (Edit: I had the wrong link before. This one's prettier.)

http://www.4thwall.punkside.de/

He also commented as Yojimbo in my buttons post. Hopefully we'll have some new stuff for you on the site coming up. I guess I need to write a description somewhere.

Hopefully i'll squeeze in some time to write maybe another BU on here later.

2007-06-07T15:07:00.000-07:00

What's Really Going on

Ok, so I awoke this morning to some strange sounds:

BANGBANGBANG!

At first I was terrified. I thought some drug deal had gone south. But there were on sirens or anything. I tried to go back to sleep. But less than 5 minutes later:

BANGBANG!

And then 5 minutes after that-

BANG!

My brother said that it was likely a memorial service for someone in the army. But I know what was really going on. It's pretty obvious really.

A zombie was chasing a cowboy.

The zombie probablly surprised the cowboy on his way to a rodeo or whatever. Jumped out from behind his car, er wagon. And the cowboy immediately drew his 6 shooter and got off 3 rounds from the hip. But that wasn't enough to stop the zombie. So he turned and booked it down the street.

After it becae apparent he wasn't losing him, the cowboy slowed down enough to turn and fire off 2 more of his 6 rounds. The zombie staggered but didn't stop. After a few minutes longer, the cowboy tripped on a rock and the zombie jumped on him.

That last shot speaks for itself.
***

It occurs to me that my posts are getting more and more morbid and silly. I should probablly get back to a story of some sort for practice. Heh.

2007-06-05T19:45:00.000-07:00

General "The Funny" news, plus- "A Word on Buttons"

Ok, here's where we are on various projects.

BU comic- Bu might get put on hold for a little while, at least the comic version. With any luck i'll start posting more stories here and there to bide the time. The artist I wanted to use, Jordan, just got back from a tour on a navy boat. I think we're gonna focus on his comic, Dark Duality (I'm writing it. It's cool. different) soon, at least I hope. If we get that off the ground, maybe I can guilt him into starting mine :)

Fourth Wall-

Apparently Jon, or "The crazy german" as I like to call him, is doing techie type things for some play. He claims he'll start up again when he gets more time. Crazy capricious artists. Heh. I might refer him to this page so he can see some of your comments on the page he drew. Maybe that'll get him going on it. Once we have the comic up, I will likely be annoying many of you to help me spread the word.

Comments- Right i forgot. Blogger randomly changed on me, and now you have to approve every comment that comes in. So a lot of your comments from the last 6 months are randomly showing up again. Heh.

BU script- I hope to get back to this at some point. You guys have some settings picked out so sometime i'll grab one and roll with it.

Oh by the way- The old fanfic I was writing for "Critical Craft" has started up again. Sorry, felt the need to pimp that. I know I know, it's fanfic. Maybe i'm the only sane person who think fanfic can be good if it's written right. But mine is. Damnit.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2051354/1/

I think it's dynamic enough to be ok even for non-rpg nerds. Lotsa weird crap. Ghost Chameleons, dough turning into steel, nerds being threatened by muscular hockey players, and later on, a major character even gets killed by bee stingers.

Spoilerified!

And now:

A Word on Buttons-

I've recently encountered a weird fact of the universe.

There are now buttons that can do absolutely freaking anything. We know from "The Jetsons" that making one button to do utterly any task known to man has been an american dream for a good 40 years now.

You know, ever since George Jetson made his entire carreer pushing one button. And he seemed to have other buttons in his reportiore that kept Jane from divorcing him, Elroy from joing the circus, etc.

I think the best modern example that capitalizes on this futuristic american wet dream, is in the opening to the "Power Rangers". I was watching the intro the other day when, er uh, I mean, evil demon hate-monkies strapped me to their nefarious torture machine that made me watch 90's action shlock, when i noticed something.

The beginning has a giant floating head say to this little robot thing-

"Alpha, we need 5 teenagers, with ATTITUDE". Then Alpha, (the afore mentioned robot) hits a button, and the 5 teenagers appear in the transporter.

That's right. He hit ONE button. That means he had a button labeled "kidnap 5 teenagers w/attitude" on his console for a rainy day. Just think what else is on that console...

"Alpha, I need 7 purple habrindashers wearing full civil-war gear!"

BEEP.

"Good, now turn Sweeden into a giant hybrid grape/radish."

BEEP.

That freaking simple.

The other thing I noticed about buttons is that those little 'games' you play on internet ads where you 'win a free ipod after 40 hours of back breaking labour' are getting lamer and lamer. I used to amuse myself by seeing how long i could NOT zap the monkey before probability caught up to me.

But they've finally done it. Now there are games out there that you CAN'T lose. There was one that shows a race car behind two other cars. It's helpfully labelled "hit the button to speed up!" next to a giant red button. You hit the button ONCE and you immediately win. The car races to a finish line before you can utter a physics-based objection.

No. Shut up. You WILL win a free Ipod and you will LIKE IT.

I feel like there must be some Confucian adage about buttons pressing you that I could quote. I guess i'll just leave you with an implied Yakov Smirnoff joke, since you were thinking it anyway.

"In Soviet Russia, button pound you!"

2007-04-04T14:43:00.000-07:00

Fourth Wall on the verge of launch!

The artist, jon, just has to create a site for it. Man it's good having artists who double as web designers. I better do my job pimping the ocmic otherwise it will seem like he does all the work. Haha.

The comic is based on stories I have way earlier on in my blog. I forget what I named them now. They're the ones with Jason and the narrator. Those stories are like his "origin" tale. Fourth Wall is a little further down the road, like say a couple months. I hope to maybe go back to those at some point. Also, I might reference some of it. Such as the coat hanger that makes you invisible when you run into the wall. Hahaha. I think there's a lot of potential for hilarity there, especially when new characters coming in have no idea what it is and Jason is non-chalant about it. "Oh that's just the sword of jungamunga. Just grab it and run into that wall. It totally rocks".

Anyhoo, here's the first one. i'll replace it with a link to the site when we gots one.

2006-12-29T03:12:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe News!

BU has an artist, finally. HIs the link to the website.

http://bleakuniverse.bravehost.com/

He did a few sketches on deviant art under

Urzamandude

But they are just that, sketches. He got a tablet only recently, so most of his stuff is in paper form.

More crap comin as i know. This site wont be updated for a little while, as i rewrite the comic in proper script form for drawing. Awesome, eh?

People like perty pictures better n' just readin craps. After we get the comic launched, we'll do a proper campaign. So i'm all ears for idears any of you might have for that.

Anyway, hears to hopin it works out. And thanks to my uber powerful 3 readers who kept me goin. I will return to this place in a bit,even as the comic rolls, as it helps me generate ideas.

2006-12-19T20:40:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VII

OSCAR: Wow. So That guy broke into our house, and gave us magic powers to punish us in the name of the Crimson Arrow?
AARON: Kinda looks that way.
RICK: It was most beneficial.

OSCAR: And how. Man did they show us. "Aha, mortal enemy mine, I shall smite thee by bestowing upon you 'evil magic powers' (oscar wiggles his fingers magically) that'll learn you to meddle in our affairs!

RICK: We should endeavor to interfere with them more often. I prefer dark umbral doom to spinning magnetic doom.
OSCAR: ANd how- wait what?

KELLY: Awww, why does everyone else get the magic powers? I wan tthem too. Pweeeeaassee.
ST: You gained an element too. It will just take longer for you to realize what it is.

OSCAR: I know already.
KELLY: (looking at him suspiciously)Really? Wait. You probablly don't at all.
OSCAR: (acting offended) What? Why do you think that.
KELLY: Cuz you're always mean to me.

OSCAR: No, really. it's this:

(OSCAR stands up, puts his hand over ST's head and intones:

OSCAR: Moronic Element: Bestow the Brain Cancer!

KELLY: WHAAAT?!?!

ST: You've already given me that.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Otay. Let's try another interaction thingy. The one last time went pretty cool I think.

I'm going to do another random setting change next time, cuz it's funny. So here are the three things I need.

A setting (where will everyone be? Shopping mall? Cleveland? The andes?) Try real hard not to be so silly as to make it impossible for me to make it plausable.

Another Element. Avoid Cotton. A classic element might be nice this time, but whatevs. As you can see, I can jive with whatever. Yeah tahts right. I said jive.

An item. This time the item will be somehow used in the scene. The element will be an npc character's element that he/she/it uses directly, not inside an item. So you're just giving me an item that will be affected by the power. For example, if someone said "fire" as an element, and someone else said "trees" for an item, the power could be like "Fire Element: HUman Furnace!" and would have someone torching a bunch of trees. Get it? Good. I'll wait til you guys are done. Went quick last time, but might not be so this time. If we only get like 1 over the next couple days, it might be a nick solo show. Lol. But keep it to one per person for the moment.

(any persons suggesting "squid" as an element will likely be shot. By god.)

2006-12-18T21:06:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VII

OSCAR: So how exactly did this happen anyway? This whole element thing. I don't think i get it.
RICK: An 'element' is a particular allignment used to describe an embodiment of said element. These strange and mysterious beings can bond with humans in certain circumstances usually involving...

OSCAR: No, it's ok Rick. I'm not really interested in what the book has to say. Cuz you know i vould always like, read it myself. DIg?

RICK: Dig? I do not see the means for upheaving soil as an appropriate question to impart of me at this time-space locale-

OSCAR: Nevermind.

2006-12-14T18:00:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VII

KELLY: I'm sooo confused.
OSCAR: THat must be a new experience for you.
AARON: Hey shut up! Or i'll, pee... metal, on you.
OSCAR: Somehow I think that would be worse for you.

2006-12-13T18:24:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VII

KELLY: Would someone please tell me what's going on?!
AARON: I agree.

OSCAR: (to ST) May I?
ST: (sighing) Yeah alright.

OSCAR: (to Rich) We'll start with you. NExt time you 'concentrate' you might as well add a little style to it, cuz god knows you need it.
RICK: (narrowing his eyes) I..
OSCAR: 'am retarded'. Don't worry I know. Fix it by saying this in your next concentration session, cuz its what youre doing anyway. Magnet Element: Magnetic Attraction!
RICK: Query- What is t you are discussing?
OSCAR: Answer- Shut up.
OSCAR: (to AARON) And you can say this: Iron Element: Blood of the Metal God!

AARON: WHAT? You're saying I have the power to make my blood more metallic?
OSCAR: (winking) THat's right.
AARON: Uhhh... ok. Two questions. How in the name of Davey Jones did I get to do that? ANd also, How on earth will that help at all, even a little, ever in the future history of the world?!

OSCAR: It won't?
AARON:...
OSCAR: No wait, that's probalbly not comforting. Let's try this.
(OSCAR clears his throat)

OSCAR: It'll be funny?

2006-12-12T20:34:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VII

RICK: I will drop my concentration.
ST:Um, ok. Why?
RICK: THere is nothing wrong with my mind, is there?
OSCAR: I wouldn't go so far as to-
RICK: Remain silent.

2006-12-11T18:13:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VII

(AARON gets up weakly)

AARON: Uhhh. What the hell you do that for?
(OSCAR points to ST)
ST: (sighing) That's what happens in game too.
AARON: WHAT?! WHy?
ST: You have no idea.
RICK: I do not understand in what manner of speech I am a "magnet"
OSCAR: I was just messin with ya. GO back to concentrating, please.
RICK: Very well, I shall do that after I open the door and enquire that everything is ok.
OSCAR: Ill say "yeah yeah we're fine, doofus here can't kepe his feet under him. Too drunk on rum or somethin."
RICK: "Very Well." I'll narrow my eyes and sweep the door closed once more.
KELLY:"Wel..... I'm gonna go get a glass of water!".
AARON: "Well, mates, i dinnow which a youse tripped me, and i dont care. Im heading to the kitchen, mates.
OSCAR: (loudly) Rick, ar eyou pacing back and forth, and concentrating?
EICK: Yes, i did indeed imply so much in my last communique-
(OSCAR snaps his head back around to stare at ST expectantly)
ST: (rolling his eyes) Kelly you're heading for the kitchen?
KELLY: Yes, i want water! I mean, my CHARACTER wants wat-
ST: Jake Arrow falls into you,and you both fall over.
OSCAR: Awesome!

_____________________________________________________________
Bleak universe hasnt been as sharp lately, cuz ive been doing it more spur of the moment. Though my ideas are just as insane lol. THough i dunno. If my quality had dropped that much I'm sure someone wouldve told me, heh.

Also, be on your best behavior, amazing 3 readers. Heh. I'm looking more actively for an artist so some might be dropping by to take a look at things.

2006-12-07T19:07:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VII

(RICK spends some time glaring at everyone)
RICK: VERY WELL. I can see you are all quite disagreeable today. Whatever. I shall head to the bathroom to inspect myself in a mundane fashion.
OSCAR (whispering to AARON) I like being disagreeable.
AARON (whispering back) I know.
ST: Ok, you make it to the bathroom.

RICK: (exasperated) Wonderful. May i at least use the less power "Flaws of the Mind"? In it, I simply inspect my mind for any memory loss or alteration, though it does not tell me what may be lost or altered."

ST: That's the one where you concentrate as hard as you can in front of a mirror right? And then your image changes to a map of your mind. And then you pace back and forth in front of it looking for flaws. That's it right?

RICK: Yes. That is correct. But how did you ascertain my course of -
ST: (clapping his hands.) Great! Perfect. OK. THat will take you a few minutes.
RICK: (bowing his head) Of course.

ST: Ok, Rick goes into the bathroom.
RICK: Correct. I will lock the door and begin my concentration.
ST: (rubbing his hands together) Awesome. Ok everyone, actions?
OSCAR: (whisper to AARON)He's uyp to something, just look at him rub his hands. Like an evil villian. Just watch.
KELLY: Wahh! What just happened? Why did that guy run to the bathroom as soon as he woke up?
OSCAR: He really had to go?
AARON: OK, whatever. I'm going to head to the kitchen.
(ST closes his eyes and counts off ticks on his fingers)
ST: Ok. You get up and start heading in that direction, and then you can't. You keep bouncing back like you're being pulled by something
AARON: What? Why? And, i don't think i really get what you mean.

(OSCAR gives the ST a funny look. Then he grabs the book from RICK.)
ST: Ok. I guess we need a demonstration. Kelly, Aaron, stand up.

AARON/ KELLY: (they do so) Ok...
ST: Now, Kelly grab onto the bed-leg, and then to AARON'S jacket.

(She does)
ST: Ok Aaron, try to walk/jog away. But not too hard.
(He does, and he makes it about one step before he bounces back a little from Kelly's grip.)
KELLY: EEEE!
(AARON frowns and increases his pace. The bed starts scraping across the floor)
KELLY: AHHH!!
ST: Yeah it's just like that, like you keep getting bounced back by some invisible force.
RICK: Does my cahracter hear this racket before he is fully submerged?
ST: Yeah, sure. Of course ( a little too eagerly)
OSCAR: (looking up from his book, and then to ST, AARON, and then RICK.) Metal huh?
ST: You going to break concentration?
RICK: Yes.

(AARON is still trying to get away from Kelly, picking up forcewhile running in place. OSCAR sits on the bed, and the bed itself halts its movement)
OSCAR: (from directly behind Kelly) KELLY!
KELLY: EEP! (Kelly lets go, AARON goes racing across the room and crashes into a table with a jar of pennies on it, which rain down onto him.
(OSCAR points at RICK)
OSCAR: Magnet.
OSCAR: (pointing at AARON)Metal.
OSCAR: Now THAT's a demonstration.

2006-12-06T16:12:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VII

(everyone files in)
ST: Hey everyone, welcome back. How was your week?
(AARON turns toward KELLY)
AARON: Hey Kelly, did you get a-
KELLY: I got a haircut!
ST: (chuckling) I cn asee that. Looks good.
AARON: (cracking knuckles)Alright then gents. Do we wake up?
ST: Yep.
RICH: We are still in the domicile in which we began our suspended animation?
ST: Errr... th ehouse where you went to sleep. Yeah. You're still there.
AARON: I'll hold my head in moan. "Wow, that was a part for the ages last night,wasn't it mates?"

(RICK is staring at the ST intently)
ST: Ok folks, actions?
AARON: Well alrighty. It's too bad Mick and Roger are at a concert. They'd probablly enjoy watching this. Welp, I'm gonna head to the kitchen, where 'm likely to find met-"
(RICK hefts a book and begins reading from it, cutting off AARON)
RICK: I will do a thorough inspection of my person. Do i feel any of the following symptoms? 'Shortness of breath, a tingling sensation in the extremeties,a rash of unnatural color in the groin or gluttal regions, memroy loss..'
OSCAR: What are you checking for, brain cancer?
RICK: 'Sensitivity to light, sensitivity to magentism, sensitivity to pain, sensitivity to loud noises,allergic reaction to gold, water, oxygen...'
AARON: Did he just say OXYGEN? Allergic reaction to air? Wouldn't we, like notic that?
RICK: '...minor loss of memory, feelings of anger or synergy...'
OSCAR: Synergy? isn't that like a fruit drink?
KELLY: That doesn't sound like any disease I've ever heard of.
OSCAR: It's a mental ailment.
RICK: '...dark thoughts, partial loss of day vision, increased night vision...'
ST: Ahah. I believe I see a pattern now. You are sneakier than you let on, Rick. But it's hard to check for alot of those things, isnt it? No gold or water readily at hand. Also, Kelly might object if you rip off your pants and inspect your 'groin and/or gluttal areas' in plain sight.
KELLY: I don't know what 'gluttal' means, but yes, please keep your pants on.
RICK: (flipping pages in the book, then reading more) Very well. I shall use my "Inner Dragon" training, specifically the technique called "Detect Storyteller treachery".
ST: Huh? Let me see that (takes book from RICK)Uh, it says "The Inner Dragon techniques allow for complete awarness of mind and body. Each technique may be iniated after a meditative period of no less than 3 hours...'
RICK: (taking book back) That may be so, but I also have the merit "Kaze Mind" where 'all common, non-stressful actions may be done at the fraction of the time with the expenditure of 3 focus points. This action might be building a ladder, or baking a cake, or anything of the everyday sort.'
ST: I don't think focusing your mystical chi energy to examine every square inch of your body and soul counts. It has kindof a different quality than 'baking a cake'.
RICK: FINE! I will go to the Toiletry Room and there examine myself!
OSCAR: What?
RICK:I SAID, I"M GOING TO THE BATHROOM TO SEE IF MY GROIN IS OK!

VOICE: (coming from outside, likely a neighbor) IT's 11 AT NIGHT, NO ONE GIVES A SH#T ABOUT YOUR GROIN!

ENTIRE ROOM:...

OSCAR:... yeah, that's what i thought you said.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Haha. My posts are getting kinda long again, but i can't help it, I've got lots of ideas. Man I should go looking more actively for an artist. A lot of my ideas work way better visually.\, since that's kindof the way I envisioned this particualr project. PLus I have some wacky ideas for format.

Maybe i'll go haunt some webcomic forums. heh.

::ghost noises::

2006-12-05T22:21:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VI

AARON: "I'm sorry. You're a goin to have ta repeat that, mate."
KELLY: But the sun doesn't shine right now at all! It's night time.
OSCAR: That's not because it's night time. It's because you're here.
KELLY: WHAT?!
AARON:(sighing) He's just messing with you.
OSCAR: (shrieking in mimic of Kelly) Whaaat?!? I swear I would never do that. (holding hand over chest) Or may i be poked where the sun don't shine.
ST: "That can be arranged. Now if you don't mind, this is probablly going to be embarressing for at least one of us, so i'd like to get it over with." He snaps on some latex gloves.
KELLY: (shrill) "What? What are those for?"
ST: "Oh relax. And really, i mean that- relax. For both of our sakes."
Kelly: "You aren't human!"
ST: "No love, It's not I who should question who's human." He turns and looks at Aaron. "Oh and consequently, you in particular should avoid metal objects upon waking."
AARON: "Uh, what? Now why would I worry about somethin like that, mate?"
ST: That's it, you all pass out from the powder.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Heh and that's it for part VI. Man i've kinda come along way. I've done enough set up to do some silly things now though, and i even had time to tell a joke or three on the way. Heh.

I have no idea whether any of this is useable, but eh. My real hope is that all the practice well help me get the kind of momentum that i need. Everything makes more sense when I'm in that groove.

I have so many stories started and half finished, I need to really buckle down and focus on just a few.

I have this insane novella idea tahts been gathering elements for years and years now called "Mnomonia" or alternatively "The Hunari" basically, i haven't found a name i really like yet. It's based on Carl Jung's idea of collective unconciousness. That's one im going to do completely my way. Then i havean idea for a story i think i'm gonna call "Footloose" which is like a fantasy/comedy about a really annoying immortal. Hopefully i can find a mag for that if i can finish it. Then there's my novel City of Light, which i havent made a ton of headway on yet, and my literary fiction story "White Star" which i'm not sure wha tim going to do with.

And that's me narrowing things down, haha. I have too many ideas all the time, I can't seem to focus on one thing. I'll keep trying.

So yeah, that why i keep writing though people have gotten bored of my stuff. I'm trying to find that momentum to use for a project. Finish something for a change.

2006-12-05T01:48:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VI

MICK: Yo! Dude! Wow, you need to take it easy. I slipped. Do somethin uncool like that again, and another chair might just 'slip' and find its way upside your head.

(Kyle makes his way over to the corner and sits down)
KYLE: Continue. you were throwing chairs at someone and acting like an ass?

(Mick stands up)
MICK: You wanna do this, gimpy?
(Roger grabs Mick has he stands up_

ROGER: Dude, relax.
MIck: You relax. If this kid wants some, then fine with me.
ROGER: Think of it this way. If that had been you out there, been hit with a chair so your leg's all busted, then came in here and get sh*t?
(Roger thinks about it for 5 seconds)
MICK: Alright man. I guess you're right. I'd be pissed too. Fair nuff, Fair nuff.
ST: (frowning, and looking around for a few moments to make sure everyone is alright to cotinue)
KYLE: Nothing's broken.
MICK: I'm cool now. It's all good.
ST: Good. now then- The man frowns at Mick's inability to throw a chair at him properly. Then he says "Well, if your quite finished, i'll be shoving things into you where the sun don't shine. Feel free to get up and try to stop me."
AARON: This game just got R rated.

2006-11-28T16:54:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VI

VOICE: (coming from outside) Gah! D*MNIT!
MICK: (getting himself up from off the floor) Ah Sh*T that was me wasn't it.
OSCAR: At least you sure showed... that guy. (pointing)
MICK: Yeah, well- see? That's what i'm going to do... to the bad guy? See?
AARON: Accidently hit him with a chair?
MICK: (gets up, goes back over to where he was, realizes his chair is outside, sits on the floor)

(KYLE walks in holding a bunch of fragmented pieces of wood in his hands)

(He eyes ROGER who is settling into the floor, with a nasty bruise on his forehead)

KYLE: I found your chair. (dumps the wood onto MICK, then limps to the otherside of the room)

2006-11-27T16:30:00.001-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VI

ROGER: WHAT?! Whoa whoa, there's no way, you didn't even tell me that i was-
ST: (cupping a hand over his ear)What's that? Let him hit you? You got it!
ROGER: (throwing up his hands)Fine! Whatever, i'll duck ok?
ST: (rolls die, then looks up towards MICK) Nice job mick, the weasel tried to slip out of the way but you nailed him across the room and into a chair. He goes out.
MICK: HELL YEAH!
ROGER (smacking MICK) What are you doin man!? That was ME!
MICK: Wha?
OSCAR: (laughing) He's lying! Finish him off!
MICK: What? **ck This is effed up. So can i **cking see now?
ST: (inching seat backwards) Um, why yes, yes you can.
MICK: Great. Where is this **cker?
ST: Um, he's in the corner, but...
MICK: (interrupting) I'm gonna run up to him, and shove my bat up his *ss! His **cking *ss! You hear me?!
ST:(meekly) Um, I hear you. It's just that your paralyzed from the powder and moving is a bit tricky right...
MICK: *UCK THAT!! I'll fight it off! THIS *ITCH ISN'T GOING TO *UCK WITH ME ANYMORE!
ST:(putting up the storyteller screen so the group can only see his eyes) Oh... ok (rolls one die) Well... You start crawling across the room, as the poison is starting to affect you hard, and...
MICK: (leaping to his feet and picking up a chair) NO! I TOLD YOU, *UCK THAT! RUN ACROSS THE ROOM AND BUST A CHAIR RIGHT INTO HIS CANDY-*SS-

(MICK races across the room, carrying the chair over his head, he trips on something, tumbles over RICK sitting on the ground and launches his chair straight out of a window. There is a shout of surprise and pain from that direction)

OSCAR: Head?
AARON: I can't believe that just happened.
ST: (Jerking to his feet) Who was that?

2006-11-27T16:30:00.000-08:00

2006-11-20T19:47:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VI

ST: Ok, Mick you're at 14 health, Roger, youre at 3.
ROGER: What? 3? How did that happen?
OSCAR: Remember the part wher eyou kept getting smashed in the face? That tends to... Rick, y ou want to take this one?
RICK: Facial trauama has a negative impact on overall phsyiological healthiness.
OSCAR: Yeah, that.
ROGER: I know WHY, dimwit. I just want to know HOW. How is this guy hitting both of us at the same time?
ST: Ok everyone, you all get hit with some sort of powder in your face, that makes you feel sleepy.
MICK: F*CK! I'll keep punching him!
OSCAR: Yeah, that'll make you less tired.
ST: On the good side, the effect from the light is starting to wear off and you're starting to get vision back.

OSCAR: Really? Sweet. It's times like these I wish i had a drum.
ROGER: A drum? But why?
MICK: Again! I'll kick his ass again! Damn isnt he going down yet?
ST: Roger, you get your vision back, and you see that Mick's fist is heading straight for your mouth.

OSCAR: At least it's not heading for the other opening.

(Everyone stops, jaws agape and stares at him)

OSCAR: His...ears?

2006-11-16T17:13:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VI

RICK: SO i cannot observe my surroundings?
St: Nope, blind as a bat.
MICK: "Gah, my F*ckin eyes! WHo are you?" (I'll like wander around and swing my fists)
ST: Um... ok. (rolls die)
ST:The man says "I'm the tooth fairy"
OSCAR: "Tooth fairy? I don't know... you're voice is awful gruff for the tooth fairy. Is there something you'd like to share with the class?"
ST: He kicks you "Shut up!"
ROGER: "So we can't see anything?"
ST: "Not a thing. Nothing else is happening currently though."
ROGER: Screw it. I'm gonna search aroudn blindly too. "Let's get 'em Mick!"
MICK: "Hell yeah!"
ST: Ok, Roger, you feel your fist smack something hard and fleshy.
KELLY: "EWWwWW!"
ROGER:"Yea! Take that, BIATCH!"
ST: (casually) So, Oscar, what are you going to do this round?
OSCAR:"Cry that I can't see?"
(ST nods)
(ST walks around the room, drinks some water)
ST: How about you Aaron, actions?
AARON: Actions, like what? I guess i'll just crawl across the floor and try to find Kelly.
ST: (Nodding sagely.)
(St looks over at ROGER, who is practically frothing at the mouth in aniticpation)
(ST ponders for a moment, and then turns to MICK)
ST: Mick, someone punches you in the face
MICK: WHat?!?!! I'll kill him! I'll punch that guy who punched me!
OSCAR: "Hey Mr. glowing balls guy, can you get me some popcorn? I can't even see what's going on, and this is still the funniest thing i've ever seen."

2006-11-15T17:41:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VI

ST: "Are you going to open this door or not, sir? I just want to ask you a few questions, make sure you're ok."
OSCAR: More like have his gun ask us a few questions.
ROGER: "Guys, you gotta give me something. I can't just sit here forever. That cop is going to get all kungfu on us in a minute."
OSCAR: "Well if he doesn't notice headless trick or treaters, he's got to be blind enough so taht we can just run up and tip him over."
RICK: "I postulate that he is using subterfuge to obfuscate his true motivations for asking admittance."
OSCAR: "You're right! It's so simple!"

(RICk looks confused.)

OSCAR: "He's asking 'admittance' not so he can bust our zealous baseball player for sending a little girl to the after life, no no, not at all it's because....

OSCAR: "He's a vampire! He HAS to ask us to come in!"
KELLY: Really? he is? Is there a vampire on the other side of the door? A vampire policeman?

ROGER: (whispering)How did you ever get her to come back?
AARON:(whispering back, I told I would hold down OSCAR while she kicked him later)
ROGER: Nice.

EVERYONE stops and looks at ROGER.

ST: What's nice?

OSCAR looks over from where he was making fake fangs in front of his mouth with two fingers to the tune of a squealing kelly)

ROGER: Er, nothing. I'm just going to open the stupid door.

ST: Really? Ok. SO, what happens now, is that... (looking gleefull)
ROGER: Er, that is, i mean, i open the door in the figrative sense, by opening... doors of... communication!

ST: Nice try. The cop pushes open the door and holds up a glowing orb, a red arrow sigil suddenly manifests in the center of it, and then it flashes bright white, and everyone falls over, blinded.

KELLY: "What? What's wrong? Why did he do that? What was that?"
OSCAR: "Oh you know, just his standard police-issued magic arrow orb."

2006-11-14T19:32:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VI

ROGER: "Now that has got to be a trick question".
ST: The police officer says "WHy sir? It's a simple question. Have you seen anything strange happening out here tonight?"
OSCAR: I'll whisper "Do NOT let him in."
AARON: Didn't he notice the headless girl sitting on the porch?
OSCAR: I guess they don't make cops like they used to.

2006-11-12T18:16:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VI

ST: That's good. Put the chair down now, great.
OSCAR: But, but... 'KELLY MAD'!
AARON: You're NOT helping.
OSCAR: My apologies, Mrs. Kelly.
AARON; (pondering) But that doesn't even make any sense...
ROGER: (holding up fingers in a square to frame Kelly) There is a small SheHulk resemblance.
KELLY: FINE! All of yoU! I hate you all! (drops chair, runs out of room)

door slams.
OSCAR: (pondering) I take it back, she reminds me of someone else. (Looking at RIck)
Rick: What?
OSCAR: ANYWAY... (rubbing hands together) So, what shall we do with the headless ghost-girl currently splashing fluids and brain matter into our house?

AARON: (glarign knives at Oscar) Maybe we should have you go visit her in the after life. (he gets up and leaves after Kelly)

Everyone is staring at ROGER and OSCAR
ROGER: Hey, it's not my fault. H brought it up (pointing at OSCAR)
OSCAR: WHat? (sighing) Ok fine, so i'm a bit over the top, but come ON. She needs to relax.

2006-11-09T19:50:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe
Part VI

MICK: YO! Roger- you know this psycho chick? Could you get her off me?
KELLY: Ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou (wacking with fists)
ROGER: (throwing up hands) Hey man, I got no clue.

(slowly, everyone starts looking at AARON)

AARON: What?
OSCAR: You have Kelly's leash don't you?

Kelly: (stopping and looking over at OSCAR) WHAT?!

OSCAR (looking over at ROGER and saying it LOUDLY) Roger! How dare you imply that Kelly is like Aaron's puppy dog! That's just low man. Even for you.

(KELLY sees red and picks up a chair)
ROGER: (to OSCAR while ducking) I hate you.

__________________________________

I know i know, the kelly thing is getting a little over done. Hey i did stupid before, I'm just getting started on Crazy. Come on. And anwyay, mostly I just look in my head to see what's there and splash it out on page. Hopefully i'll find something more intersting to go with. Hmm. Maybe the whole "dead trick or treater on porch" arch has potential. Haha.

2006-11-07T18:22:00.000-08:00

Bleak Universe

Part VI

KELLY: He KILLED a trick or treater?
OSCAR: (nodding eagerly) In the face. With a baseball bat.
KELLY: WHy?
OSCAR: (helpfully) It was a little girl. She probablly had blonde pigtails
KELLY: Ohhhhhh
OSCAR: And like, a "Helly Kitty" T-Shirt
KELLY: (seeing red) You BASTARD! (hitting MICK in a gimp kind of way) I'll kill you!
MICK: Dude, she was fake anyway, made up! Who cares?! (trying to slide away)
KELLY: I care! You can't kill cute little girls! It's not right, even the idea of it!
OSCAR: So if she were really ugly under that mask.
RICK: Judging from the way the sheet dips over the right hemisphere of her skull, it is likely that 50 percent of her head has caved in, which will liekly result in severe aesthetic deficiencies.

AARON looks at OSCAR
OSCAR: (whisperign) SHe's fugly now.
AARON: (to RICK)DUde, how do you even KNOW that? He never even told us what she looks like!

KELLY is chasing MICK around the room, striking him with a Harry Potter book.

OSCAR: Man, if she gets this worked up about virtual kiddies, just think what would happen if he killed a REAL little girl. SHe'd probablly beat HIS brains in with Harry Potter.
AARON: You're kindof disturbing sometimes.
OSCAR: I try.

2006-10-31T16:26:00.000-08:00

BLEAK UNIVERSE

PART VI

ROGER: MICK! Stop already!
MICK: Is it dead yet? I'll hit it again with the bat. "TAKE THIS MOTHER F*****!
ST: (rolls a die) Ok, you aren't sure. Most of their head is caved in though.
MICK: Again! I'll hit them again! "TEACH YOU FOR TRYING TO BREAK INTO OUR HOME, **HOLE! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL!!!"
ROGER: Ok I'll grab him. "GUys, help me!" (to oscar and aaron)
(OSCAR puts his hands up)
OSCAR: Totally not approaching the psycho wi tthe bloody baseball bat.
AARON:Fine, I'll help. Me and roger have a combined Power of 40 right?
ST: Yeah (rolling dice) OK, you manage to pull him off her.
MICK: Her? What? (turning to ROGER) I thought yous aid this was a spy sent from that crazy Jewish guy trying to get information from you.
ROGER: I told you I didn't know! THen you went all thug commando on us!
MICK: Pfff. I'll go check the body. He have any guns on him or anything? LIke a Mac-10?
ST: Nope. You find some candy though.
MICK: Candy? What the hell? What does he... SHE look like?
ST: Hard to tell due to the white sheet with the spooky eyes painted on it she has thrown over her head.
MICK: What?
ROGER: Oh my god. You mean just because...
ST: What say is it today, Mick?
OSCAR: Dude. You just killed a trick or treater.
MICK:Oh that is just low. NO, no way. That makes no sense. She rang our doorbell and then hid, trying to ambush us!
OSCAR: Dude it's halloween. THat's the 'trick'.
MICK: No this has to be a trick. She has candy in her pockets? that it?
OSCAR: Halllowweeeeeen (singing)
MICK: Yo, I didn't ask you.
KELLY: (walking in) Hey guys! Happy Hallow-
OSCAR: Mick just murdered a little girl wearing a ghost costume. Now she really is a ghost.
KELY: WHAT?!?
MICK: DUde shut up!
OSCAR: (laughing) God I love Halloween.

___________________________________________________________

Haha. YOu can tell what kind of mood I'm in. I should probablly shy away from being quite that macabre in the future. Heh

2006-10-30T18:02:00.000-08:00

RICK: Fine it is of no consequence. I will go o up to the shop keep, and inquire the price of this adhesive material.
ST: Ok. Hold on. (rolls a die)
OSCAR: What are you rolling die for?
ST: See what kind of guy the clerk is.
RICK (thinking) Also, I will purchase a sweet confection in a long rectangular form.
AARON: What the hell? (looking at oscar)
OSCAR: (sighing) A candy bar. He's going to buy a candy bar.
AARON: You're going to role play out buying a candy bar? That's completely-

ST: "Sorry, we don't sell no damn candy bars, freeak."
RICK: He doesn't? Do i see any?
ST: Yes, right in front of you on the shelf.
RICK: I'll put the money down on the table, for the duct tape and the bar.
RICK:"I have the money right here sir, thank you for-"

ST:"I SAID I DON"T WANT YOUR MONEY, WHORE! YOU KNOW WHAT? AH'M GONNA EAT YOUR CANDY BAR, FOR YEW!" He grabs the bar and rips it open, taking a huge bite.
ST: "MMMM, SOOO GOOOD!"
OSCAR: I get the feeling Rick did poorly on that roll.

2006-10-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe
Part V

OSCAR: Will you just shut up and buy duct tape?
RICH: THis is the second time you have nearly caused our incarceration from authroity officials.
OSCAR: Oh yeah, that was all MY fault.
AARON: Hey, you were the one that went up to them to ask for your artifact back.
OSCAR: Shut up. They asked me who's crab it was, so i told them.
AARON: You forgot to mention the part where the crab was sitting on a dead guy missing his limbs.
OSCAR: Yeah ok, Like they really were going to think i chopped off the guy's limbs with a plushie crab toy.
________________________
feel like jumping ahead a bit.

2006-10-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe Part V

ST:Ok, so you guys headed straight to wherever crabby went?
OSCAR: THat's the plan.
ST: Ok, when you get there, there are two unconcious bar peeps you remember from before, and one yelling at the police.
ST: "I'm telling you man, it was a giant crab, it attacked us! It snapped my Ford Bronco in HALF!"
ROGER: (raising an eyebrow) Wow. I wouldn't believe that.
SCAR: Yeah no kidding. Who drives Ford Broncos?

2006-10-19T17:26:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe
Part V

ST: Ok, so are you going to follow the broken cars?
OSCAR: Yeah.
RICK: I cannot but think our time may be better spent elsewhere, like investigating our siblings disappearances and apparent capture, in addition to the apparent involvement of Aaron's fraternal unit?
AARON: "Fraternal unit"? (looks at ST) Do i have a robot and no one told me? Cuz that would be TOTALLY not fair.
OSCAR: And "Cannot but think?" There's no way that's right.

(RICK sits down and sulks,a cloud settling over him)
ROGER: Alright whatever. I'll show up and say...
ST: Show up? What randomly? In your magical flying helicopter? With its fairy radar system that always knows where everyone is?
ROGER: Whatever. Yeah that. so anyway- "So can you tell me what happened?"
OSCAR: "Well, basically after you, me and "Penumbra"(motioning at Rick) got to the crazy jewish guy's house they fought a giant rock cat thing, and then, we opened the door and fell through the floor which apparently hadn't been closed up enough, then vomits-like-crazy went off somewhere too...vomit like crazy, and we were stuck to wander around aimlessly in the dark and grope eachother, as the case may be (side-glance at AARON) Until we found a tunnel out, and I found a secret stash, (aside to ROGER)I told everyone i had to take a leak)and found a magic crab thing. Then we followed the tunnel up and it emptied into the bathroom of this bar, well except for you, since you were off on your magical helicopter ride. Then, here we are, chasing huge crabs that defended us from drooling hicks who talk like they freebase morphine.
ROGER: Oh. Well obviously I would've figured that out on my own.
OSCAR: Ok. Next time you can tell me what happened. How was your magical 'copter ride?
ROGER: Wonderful. I stocked 453 containers of Black Pepper.

2006-10-17T16:42:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe
Part V

ROGER: (narrowing his eyes) Crabs aren't 15 feet tall.
OSCAR: Well, this one is.
ROGER: I get the feeling that I missed something.
OSCAR: Yeah you did. But whatever, ehlp me with my crabs damnit!
ROGER:... I don't know what to say. What have you guys been DOING?
ST: It's a magic item that turned into a giant crab. NOw it's wandering around tipping over cars.
ROGER: Oh, um ok. Is it supposed to do that?
OSCAR: (petulantly) Apparently I have no control over it, even though I did in the beginning...
ST: Oh my apologies your eminenence. Perhaps if you showed me where your extsneive giant crab knowledge is on your character sheet, then I can give you minute control of something over 3 times larger than you.

(OSCAR flips off ST)
ST: Yes, thank you for that.
RICK: I believe i can help with this situation.
ST: Yeah, how's that?
RICK: I have a Monster Crab Lore book in my possesion.
(ST stares dumfounded.
(ST looks at Oscar)
(OSCAR starts laughing)
ST: WHAT? No way. Let me see it.
RICK: Ok, I kid.
ST: I KNEW it.
OSCAR: (staring) That was another joke! Wow Rick, careful or one of thse days a sense of humor might crawl out the back of you.

_______________________________________________________
Heh short one today. Hopefully i'll feel more funny juices flowing tommorrow.

2006-10-16T16:37:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe
Part V

ST: "Hhh-What in the hell?"
AARON: "Haha! Yeah, get him crabby!"
OSCAR: "Crabby?"
AARON: "Sure, why not?"
ST The Monster crab-
AARON: ...crabby
OSCAR: His name is not "Crabby"
ST: Whatever. (rolls dice) THe crab grabs baldie with one monster claw, and tosses him over the bar counter into some glasses beyond- *CRASH!*
ST:There are 4 other "ruffians" in here. One of them charges the monster Crab with a knife.
OSCAR: Watch out, Crabster!
ST: The guy stabs him with his knife, but it only sinks a short way before bending.
RICK: Really? Is that knife not steel? It's toughness factor should be well above that of the shell of a Crustacean class of Anthropod
AARON : (whispers to OSCAR) Normal people translation?
OSCAR (whispering back) A knife should *uck up a crabshell.
AARON: Oh ok.
ST: Monster Form makes all attributes "grow in proportion to size, both in height/width, but also in quality".
OSCAR: AWesome.
ST: "Yew freak! Weey'll keel yew and yer abomination in th'name a'GAWD"
OSCAR: Man do you sound retarded. "Cut off his head, crabster!"
ST: 'Crabster' tries to grab Bar-thug number 2, but the other 3 all jump on his back. He makes a sound like a killer whale gurgling and jumps through the bar window.
RICK: I will recover from my prone position and approach the rest of the group.
AARON: Hey there, mate. That crab there sure saved your life.
RICK: Why did you not come to my assitance?
AARON;(aside)"I was rooting for you though. KNow that (puts both of his fingers up in the copied mannerisms of you-know-who)
ST: Ok, as you're talking you hear...

(Roger walks in)
ROGER: Hey hey hey, what's goin on? Mick is with me, he's just gettin his character sheets from the car.
OSCAR: Hey man. You're just in time to help me get back my stuffed animal.
ROGER: Your stuffed animal? Why where is it?
OSCAR: Oh its running down the street
ST: You hear the sounds of loud metallic crashes, shattering glass, and screams.
OSCAR: ANd it's throwing cars.
ROGER: You're stuffed animal?!? There are sooo many things wrong with that.
OSCAR: Well, it is 15 feet tall.
______________________________________________________________________

This one's for all you "crab brothers" out there (as it was described to me)
Haha I hoped you all like the interaction stuff. My way of sayin thanks for readin thus far. Maybe ill do another one sometime way down the road. Or if i actually get more readers, lol. Don't want to over do them though, or they'll seem less special :)

2006-10-13T23:49:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe
Part V

AARON: New magic item? You found one in there?
OSCAR: Yeah, it was in some storage room under ground. I don't even know how it works...
ST:When you're in a dangerous situation, the Incarnae inside the item becomes active, and you can feel how to activate it. (ST shows OScar a page int he book) That's what you have, and that's how you activate it.
OSCAR: Ok, damn that's a weird one. Is cotton really an element?
ST (shrugs) I guess, i twas a supplemental element in the back. One of the rarer ones.
OSCAR: I'm having trouble seeing how this is going to help. But well...
ST:: Rick is in trouble and you need to help him?
OSCAR: Oh right that. But mostly, I'm bored. ANd i want to see what this does.
ST: Speaking of which, (rolls dice) Ok take 1 more moderate damage Rick. As soon as you get up.
RICK: I will spend this turn using "Lotus Evasion" that means that victories scored against me...
ST: Yeah ok i get it. Oscar, you're turn.
OSCAR: Ok. (turning to AARON) I pull out a stuffed animal. It's a red crap like the size of my palm.
AARON: HOw is that going to help?
OSCAR: I think i get it. Watch this.
OSCAR: Ok i'll put it on the floor, then call out the activation: "Cotton Element, Tier 5: Enliven the Artifice!"
ST: OK, the crab changes in form, it's outershell hardens and looks real. It's about a foot tall. It isn't a real crab, it just has the hard shell and pinchers of one on the outside. You can still see cotton coming out of it, so it's harder to actually hurt since it would just like squish a little if you got through, and wouldn't tear easy.It skitters sideways across the floor and blows bubbles.
AARON: Wow, that's totally fearsome Oscar. Cotton element mages are sooo amazing. Also, that's SARCASM mate.
ST: The bar people stop beating up rich with baseball bats and turn toward the crab. "HAR HAR! You brought yer little animal 'ere, eh? Watch this, we'll cruch him like a bug!"
ST: Baldie runs forward and makes to stomp on the crab.
OSCAR: I'm not done yet asshole! "Cotton Element Technique 5-E- MONSTER FORM!"
ST: The crab grows about 15 times, so it goes from about a foot tall, to 15 feet tall. It's pinchers are now large enough to fit around a human torso.
AARON: Holy SHIT!
ST: That's the last time you'll look down on cotton-mancers, eh?
OSCAR: Look upon my monster crab and PEE YOUR PANTS!

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Ok. Well this is pretty insane. You know, i DID say element is supposed to be an ACTUAL element, but, the people have spoken. Lol. So i'll just do a quick one, to show you all how i'm doing it. You'll have to wait til next time to see what actaully happens.

2006-10-13T00:12:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe
Part V

OSCAR: Hmmm.. I think that bar thug guy is talking to you, Rick.
ST: "I SAID, I"M TALKING AT YEW, FREAK!"
OSCAR:Come on, ask me how i know.
RICK: How do they say.. "Har Har"
AARON: Hey, where's everyone else this week anyway?
OSCAR: (ticking off fingers) Kelly is probablly whoring it up with her boyfriend-of-this-second,Roger is working os he can afford his pointlessly expensive gadgets,and Kyle is some kid who i don't know, and dont know why he came in the first place.
ST: My my, you're in rare form tonight.
OSCAR: I try.
AARON: (grants Oscar an unfriendly glare)Um, ok. Well I guess I'll look around for exits.
ST: You see three. One to the bathrooms, double doors behind the bar, and the exit at the far end of the room. Past the drunk people.
AARON: Ok, I'll start making my way past them.
ST: The tall bald guy steps in your way. "Where do yew think YER goin? FIEF! No one here saw yew come in, so howd you do it? You broked in, DIDN'T YOU, MEssin with OUR bar, makin our beer go up in... in..."
OSCAR: Price?
ST:"Yeth, exactly! So all of yew, just SIT RIGHT THERE, til you tell us where you come from, an how you git in heah?"
AARON: "Well, that is uh..." (to ST) Can you roll my CHARM? I have 10.
RICK: (standing up with rule book in hand) I've got it! They're LYCANTHROPES!
AARON: What? HOw do you know they're.. li..like a candy...scopes? ANd also, what are those?
ST: Lycanthropes, shapeshifters, Werewolves.
AARON: If those guys are really hairy, 8 feet tall, with huge wolf maws and glowing yellow eyes, and you didn't tell us, I'm going to be upset.
ST: They're not.
AARON: Right. (turning to rich) So how do you know?
RICK: I can just feel it.
OSCAR: You can just FEEL it? What are you, Jedi Master Retard?
RICK: Just trust me.
AARON: No way. Last time you said that, we were in that dirt cave dungeon thingy trying to find where the guy with the sword in his belly had left from. And that let us right here, staring down drunk barflies inexplicably carrying bats.
OSCAR: That makes no sense by the way, why would they be carrying bats?
ST: (lifting up a bat from behind his desk) Everone carries a bat. I've got mine. Where's yours?
OSCAR: Hey, that's not fair, this is your room.
RICK: Very well. You require proof, and you shall have it! (turns back to ST) I will inspect them! The innebriated persons.
ST: Inspect them?
RICK: Correct. I need to find (looking back in his book) "suspicious marks that could be hidden under clothing, in areas around the lower back"
ST: (widening his eyes in shock) Really? Ummm ok.... (rolls a die)
RICK: Excellent. Did I find "the mark of the devil indicated through a connecting brow, or sprouts of hair prevalent throughout the lower abdomen"?
ST: Close. He hits you with a baseball bat. (rolls die) Take 3 moderate damage to the head.
RICK: What? NO means to defend my self? And why this unprovoked attack?
ST: You were inspecting him.
RICK: Yes.
ST: Up close. In the "lower abdomen".
RICK: Yes but, oh i see. He misunderstood my intentions.
OSCAR: Haha I'll say.
ST: "Take that, gaaay boooy!" (rolls die) Take 3 more moderate. He smacks you in the head and over a bar table.
AARON: Uhmm. (looks at Oscar) Should we help him?
OSCAR: Pfff. Although... this does give me a chance to try the item i found...
_________________________________________

Audience interaction!!!
What is OSCAR's new item? (He found it in Shmoidreck's house. I kinda skipped over that part. Hopefully I'll go over what they found abit more next time. But anyway. What is the magic item?

You tell me! Hehe
One person post with ELEMENT (wind, water,earth, fire. Metal or wood is ok if you're feeling weird)
One person post with OBJECT (try not to go insane with it. Toaster, feather, knife, etc)
One person post a number (1-10) and a LETTER (A-J)

Might be a good idea for the person posting the object to take into acount what the element is. A feather with a Metal element might be kinda weird. But hey, why not? A metal feather might have silly powers.

Only one person per thingy. I'll update again whenever we get three posters. yeah i know this could be a long while. but that's fine. I should pay more attention to my other projects anyways.Get people to post or something! Hehe.

2006-10-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe
Part IV (end)

KELLY: (pouting) Ok FINE. I'll just ask him. "What's wrong? What can we do?"
KYLE: Can I talk?
ST: Barely.
KYLE: (straining) Had to prepare too much...too little fuel I.. neeed..sustenance...anything, else it will...eat me alive...
ST: (dice rolling) Ok- that's 3 more Medium damage poitns Kyle.
KYLE: Shit. "Gahh! hurry..please...)
OSCAR: It looks like he's gotta take a shit.

(ST glares at him)
(OSCAR sticks out his tongue and folds his arms.)

KELLY: "Sustenance? You mean food? We just fell down. We don't have food or-"
OSCAR: (whispering) She knows what "sustenance" means? That can't be right.
AARON: I think I remember this part. (to ST)I'll go look for an animals around here.
ST: (rolls dice) Yeah ok, you find a few rats.
AARON: Ok i'll kill them. "Sorry mates!" (he tips his giant pirate hat)
(Kelly stretches not paying attention)
KELLY: OOf. I'm tired. Wait... What?
ST: Kelly, you hear squealing sounds
KEELY: EEE! What are you doing over there?
AARON: "Nothing..." (whispering to ST- i'll walk over to Kyle's guy with the rat behind my back.
KELLY: (suspicious) Hey, what are you guys talking about?
AARON:"Nothing... HOLY CRAP LOOK OVER THERE!" (he stands up and points)

(KELLY looks alarmed and swings her had side to side wildly trying to find what AARON was pointing at)

(AARON mimes giving the rats to KYLE)

(ST laughs and nods)

(KYLE mouths "how many" and AARON holds up 3 fingers. Both look at ST, he nods. KYLE mimes eating the rats)
KYLE: So i'm all set now? (marking off something on his sheet)
ST: Er... right yeah if you do it, you'll be fine.

(KELLY looks back at AARON)
KELLY: WHat?! What is it?
AARON: Oh, my mistake... I thought it was a ...um... a train.
KELLY (furrowing an eyebrow) A TRAIN?
ST: Kelly, there's a rat tail sticking out of Kyle's character's mouth.
KELLY: What?! Gross! I'll run in and save the porr wittle rat!
(KYLE'S face suddenly changes dramatically. The pain vanishes and he doffs a cruel grin instead)
KYLE: I'll pull out my knife and aim to hit the ground right in front of where she'll be.
ST: (rolling) OK, yeah a knife smacks the ground point down, thudding into the dirt right infront of you, Kelly.
KELLY: Hey!
KYLE: I'll pull out another knife. "THe only reason I don't kill both of you right now, is because I still need you. I want to know why the Arrow is so interested in you. Otherwise (Kyle makes a significant motion across his neck) It would be far too easy, I can't believe you fools have even lived this long. Try not to die before I get what I need here. I'll be back, blind idiots." (Kyle practically snarls this last line, and both KELLY and ANDREW stare back in awe)
KYLE: (to ST) I'll start to head towards that palce I noticed before.
AARON: "Wait! What's going on, what are we blind about! We just saved your life! Why are you being such a dick?
KYLE: Someone you know made me this way, being slwoly eaten alive from the inside out. I need to know why,and how you're connected. YOu obviously don't know. But it may be i'll need you later.
AARON: What? Who? WHo made you that way.
KYLE: "Your brother"
(silence prevades in the room)
ST: Oscar? If you would?
OSCAR: Huh? Oh right i get it.
OSCAR: (singing)Dunnn dunnn DUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

_____________________________________

Otay. Well that's prolly enough plot for now, do you think? I'll try to curb my plot tendencies and do more weird silly stuff next time. I got a few funny ideas. Plus a new cahracter next time. I'l jump to anew part and talk about the rest that happens in this scene in flashback.

2006-10-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe
Part IV

RICK: It's the mineral-deposited carnivirous feline!
AARON: What?
OSCAR: (rolling eyes) THe stone lion.
KYLE: That might be what he's referring to, but that phrase didn't really make any sense.
OSCAR: Yeah. you'll have to get used to that.
RICK: Hey Oscar?
OSCAR: What?
RICK: SHUT UP! (He yells loud enough so that everyone else in the room has to cover their ears)
ST: Thank you for that. SO? Aaron? Actions?
AARON:Piss my pants?
OSCAR: Good call.
AARON: I guess I'll back away from it. "Good stone-kitty... Nice stone-kitty... Is that a new... paint job? On your... um...rockface?
OSCAR: LAME.
AARON: Oh COME ON. YOU come up with something better when a stone lion is stalking towards YOU?
OSCAR: Hey, if that ever happens, I will.
ST: It makes a movement forward. It looks a little cracked from the fall, and there are there's a musky chemical smell of burning rocks as you can see the acid still eating through the Lion's body.
AARON: DAMNIT! I'll look around while backin gup, I don't see his (pointing at kyle) guy around anywhere?
ST: Nope.
AARON: I'll call out: "Hey, crazy sword guy, you let your cat get out!"
ST: He pounces.
KELLY: (squinting at kyle) Doesn't look like he's pouncing to me.
AARON: I'll push Kelly back. I guess I'll.. try kicking it as it comes in, or soemthing. I am so screwed.

(ST looks significantly at Kyle)
KYLE: Crap. Damnit I can't let him die yet. Sigh. I'm empty, but I'll do it anyway. Man is this going to hurt. "DEVOURING THE CAGE!"

(ST nods and rolls some dice)
KYLE: I'll jump up and stab it in the back of the head, getting the acid as far down there as I can.
ST: Ok it was distracted with it's quest to eat Aaron and all, so you caught it off guard. You stab it in the head and it disintegrates into a mushy pile with a "RAAAAWWWRRR!"
OSCAR: Hah! Nice, you were right about how that was going to hurt.
KYLE: That's not what I meant.
ST: You got 5 more victories than you needed. That's five severe mediu damage.
KYLE: Damn my good luck.
ST: If that keeps up...
KYLE: I know. Shit. Ok.(puts on thinking face)
ST: Ok everyone, the dust clears, and you find Kyle's guy on the ground writhing in pain. His stomach is all shrivelled, and you hear a hissing sound, like when you pour cool water on a frying pan.
OSCAR: And his stomach is the frying pan.
AARON: What? You've figured it out already?
RICK: Of course. It's obvious-
AARON: Damn, why does every know about this exept for me?
RICK: -since it says on page 504 of the Bleak Universe Handbook that-
AARON: Nevermind.
KELLY: I run over to the new guy and heal him!
ST: With what?
KELLY: Um... my... hands?
RICK: (to oscar) I can now see why you no longer comment when she speaks.
OSCAR: (nodding gravely) Some things are beneath even me.

2006-10-09T16:14:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe
Part IV

OSCAR: Sweet, so we get to see it this time. So what does he do?
ST: How would you know anyway?
OSCAR: Whatever. They'll tell me about it later anyway.

(ST frowns)
ST: Ok-His stomach begins rippling, and he pushes his hand into his stomach.
KELLY: EWWWWWW!!!! (she makes a face and shakes her hands as if trying to shake something gross off them)
ST: He begins pulling his hand out of his stomach, and when is hand is free, it keeps going and you see that he's pulling a sword out of his stomach. It's dripping acid. The stone Lion leaps at him, and he jumps to one side,a t the same time hitting it with his sword. Acid sprays out from the sword and onto the Lion. it slams into the ground in front of you, putting a huge dent in the floor, and sending a mixture of dirt and rocks flying everywhere.

AARON: I'll jump and shield Cutesy from the rocks.
ST (rolls dice) Ok, Take 3 minor damage points.
AARON: "OW. Shit."
KELLY: "Are you ok?"
AARON: "Yeah, just bruises."
KELLY: (to ST) He took the damage instead of me?
ST: Looks like it.
KELLY (to AARON) YOu're so brave!
AARON: (fake macho) I know, my ribs kicked that rock's ass. (he squints with one eye, to show that he's hurt) "Ok, let's see what happened." (to ST)I'll look around, where is that lion thing, and er, him? (pointing to kyle)
ST: It's still smokey from the dirt.
AARON: Ok. I'll start walking forward, searching for the non-lion guy. "Stay close behind me" (to KELLY)
KELLY: "Otay"
ST: (rolls a die) Ok Aaron, your hands hit something.
AARON: Ok cool. I'll say, "Hey man, thanks for that-"
ST: It starts growling.
AARON: (to kyle) Why are you growling?
KYLE: I'm not.
AARON (light bulb moment) Oh. Oh shit.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Welp, guess i'll get back to mosying back through the plot. Thanks for reading, Mitch-Faithful. Even if I can pretend that other people are reading, it makes it much easier for me to do my own projects for reasons you probablly wouldn't understand, cuz i'm all crazy.

2006-10-08T17:56:00.000-07:00

Mitch's Crazy Sports Plays!

I've got 2 so far. I did what i could to confirm that these are actually legal, but it's possible that there may be something I missed- if so you may have to try it in a Rec club, or like little league or something. Haha.

Football

"The Boston Masacre"

This one was named by someone else after me at college in Pennsylvania, since it was like amazing that I was from Boston.

This is how it works. This would have to be practiced a lot, but you could easily catch an opposing defense with their pants down, so to speak. Everyone lines up per normal. You'll need at least 2 wide recievers wandering around behind the line. What happens is, one of the reciever starts on the line, the QB begins reading off the play, RECIEVER A moves back around behind the line like he's going to try running a psot on the other side or something. He runs that way, runs thath way... and runs STRAIGHT OUT OF BOUNDS. At the same time, RECIEVER SUBSTITUTE runs on the field at the exact INSTANT the QB says "HIKE" . You'd have to practice that. Then RC runs on the inside. He should be wide open. Chances are good that the guy covering RA will like run out of bounds in his confusion, perhaps right into a Gatorade Basin too, which is good for extra hilarity points.

I had another really stupid idea that would never work about baseball too. Involving peopel dressing up in catcher gear and standing in front of the plate to repel base hits. haha.

Taking a rest from bleak universe I think. Maybe just a day or two, maybe more i dunno. But i think i got so far ahead of everyone that they aren't interested in reading anymore. :shrug:

Anyway

2006-10-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe

Part IV

ST: You ARE? Er, that's odd.
ROGER: Yeah, I had to take it in order to get the "Illogically accurate" Strength. It means i can hit things even If i don't know they exist.
ST: Remind me to make any gun you get immediately explode.
ROGER: Ok... Wait- heeey.
ST: So... (in tv announcer voice) MEANWHILE, BACK UNDERGROUND...
KELLY:...
ST: Kelly?
KELLY: What?
ST: Someone grabbed your arm?
KELLY: THey DID? (looks down at her arm, which is free of hands grabbing it)
ST: A week ago.

(KELLY looks painfully confused.)
KELLY: But why would I care about that now?
ST: In the STORY? You know, after you guys had fallen into the pit and... anyone want to help me out here?
OSCAR: I wish we had popcorn. This is better than a movie.
RICK: I could go create some.
ST: Hey.
(Rick and Oscar look in ST's direction)
ST: SHADDUP.
KELLY: Ohhhhhhh. Right! Yea, I was just thinking about that, but i forgot!
(ST is just sitting there staring)
KELLY: Right, all in character and stuff, ok (deep breath)
KELLY: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

(KELLY screams at the top of her lungs. It is so high pitched that it seems to breach the upper octave range leaving the human auditory range at times. But when it is within perception, the room shakes)
KELLY: "Who has my hand, LET GOOOO!!"
OSCAR: SHIT!
ROGER: Damn! Please don't do that anymore.

(ST looks at Kyle with a questioning look)
KYLE: Whoa. OK. I'll let go of her hand I'll say "SHHHH. Sorry to frighten you, but I didn't want you to fall, there are some uneven parts in the dirt down here."
KELLY: "Oh. Ummm. Who are you?" I'll look at him, what does he look like?
ST: It's pitch black down there, you have no idea.
AARON: Well mate, you've given us quite a scare now haven't ya?"
KYLE: (to kelly) "Why does he talk like that"
KELLY: I'll shrug.
KYLE: "Well?"
KELLY: I SAID, I'll SH-oh right, dark. Um. "I don't know."
ST: You hear a voice from up up above. "Oy! Quit that racket, I know how to quiet you down but good i bet!" The dirt parts and you see light.
AARON: Awesome!
ST: You see Shmoidreck standing there, with that statue of a Lion nearby. He puts his stony hand on the statue and shouts: "StoneHand element: Waking the Lion of Zion!"
AARON: NOT awesome.
ST: THe Lion statue slowly turns from white into the yellowish hue of fur, and the color of life spreads through out. Then it lets out a ferocious ROOOAAAAR! and jumps off its pedastal, then down the hole, landind 10 yards in front of you. The ground abov eyou seals up once again. "You kids have fun playing now!"
AARON: "Bastard."
ST: A thin hole has been left in the ceiling above, and a shaft of light comes down, giving enough light so you can see the lion. It stalks toward you.
KELLY: "Eek! Lion!"
KYLE: "Both of you, get behind me."
AARON: "Wait a minute something isn't right about this, weren't you the guy who-
ST: The lion circles, moving toward you.
KYLE: I'll keep myself between it and the people behind me. "I was hoping to keep you all out of this. Why have you come here?
AARON: "We want to know what's going on mate. We found an address you left behind.
AARON: I'll pick ip a rock and huck it at the stone thing. "Take this!"
KELLY: OOh, good idea. I'll do that too. "Big meanie! Take this!"
ST: (sighs and rolls dice)No effect
KYLE: (to ST) Wait, are they behind me?
ST: (shrugs) didn't say they were.
KYLE: "What are you doing? THat isn't going to help! Get out of the way, get WELL behind me!"
KELLY and AARON: We'll get behind
(KELLY looks at AARON and giggles)
ST: The stone-lion stops a couple yard away and slinks down, as if getting ready to pounce.
KYLE: I'll wait for it, prep a double action. I'll check back, are they a good distance behind?
ST: Yes.
KYLE: Ok, good. Waiting.
ST: It pounces.
KYLE: Simple Maneuver 4, side-step. And then: "Hunger Sword Element: Devouring the Cage!"
OSCAR:Hey, you're vomits-freely!

______________________________________

Ok, so who's still reading?

Anonymous Phantom? Are you still with us?

2006-10-05T01:40:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe

Part IV

ST: Hey everyone. How was your week?
(they enter one at a time, saying something each as they do so)
KELLY: It was WONDERFUL! And YOURS? (she's wearing a smile that looks like it's in danger of cracking her face)
ST: (taken aback) Oh... alright I guess...
KELLY: SO... Do I...
AARON: My week was pretty good.
RICK: As for me, it was ...(puts finger to mouth in deep contemplation) adequate.
OSCAR: Sucked.
ROGER:Hey, shut up Rick. YOu hung out with us. We kicked ASS.
OSCAR: Emphasis on the ass.
ROGER: You'd know all about that.
ST: Whoa. Too much information.

ST: Ok. Let's see. We left off with Rick and Oscar bravely hiding under a bush, I believe? And where were you again Roger?
ROGER: I wasn't here last week. I'll just be with them. Or like, I just show up now.
ST: Oh, ok.
ROGER: "Hey guys, what's going on?
OSCAR: "'Cutesy' and 'Jacob Arrow' went to make out in that Jewish guy's house." I'll point.
RICK: And then the ground began to gyrate in an earthquake.
ROGER: GYRATE?! I don't think that's the word you were goin for.
OSCAR: Haha. No, I think he's right.
ROGER: Ok. So why are we here in the first place?
OSCAR: Some guy in white robes and a mask kidnapped our brothers, sisters, etc and we found a note in the room of Vomits-for-no-reason that led to this address. Decoy.. i mean 'Cutesy'(he says this as if it causes him great pain) and Jake went to the door and crazy Jewish guy let them in, then the shaking, then you.
ROGER: If you guys are way back here, and didn't hear their conversation, how do you know he's Jewish?
OSCAR (shrugs): WE just do. Same way I know that she (points to Kelly) is anti-semitic.
ROGER: "Ok whatever. Screw this. You guys are pansies. Let's go find out what happened." Ok, I'll walk up to the door. Is it locked?
ST: (rolls a die) Nope. It opens when you turn it.
ROGER: Cool, I'll open it and walk in.
ST: Ok, are the rest of you following?
OSCAR: Hell no.
AARON: I'll say "Wait... um... you... over ther- (whispers whats your guy's name?)
ROGER:(puts his handsup, palms outward to increase drama) Ace!
OSCAR: Lame.
AARON: "Hey, Ace wait! It's dangerous!" Hold on man, you weren't here last time, you should know that.
ST: What should he know? YOu mean he should know what none of you do?
AARON:...yes?
ROGER: Whatever. I'm opening the door.
ST: Ok. Hold that thought, we'll go back to the-
KELLY: I am NOT anti-summit!! I like summits just fine! Err, semits, er semites, or whatever HE (points to Oscar) said.
OSCAR: I said that like 10 minutes ago, what are you in like a time-warp?
KYLE: Yeah, those bastard summits, looking down their noses at upstanding mountain-climbing citizens. They will pay.
AARON: Holy crap! Where did you come from?
KYLE: You mean like, metaphysically?
AARON: No. No i don't think i do.
KYLE (wan smile) I've been here the whole time.
ROGER:(stands up) Ah RIGHT! Hey everyone, I figured it out, anti-semitic has to be bad.
AARON: How do you know?
ROGER: It's on my sheet under "weaknesses"

__________________________

Man i need like a counter or something. Can you even put those on these pages? Hmm.

2006-09-29T00:49:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe
Part 3(Let's end this biznatch)

ST:He opens the door and says "Come on already! Don't just sit there staring at me like a Nudnik!" He's staring at Kelly, who's in front.
KELLY: "Oh. Um Sorry?"
AARON: Why is she with you anyway? Who is she, your nafka?
OSCAR: (laughs) Haha! I bet i know what that means. I'm totally remembering that one.
KELLY blinks a few times in apparent confusion and arches her back, making her stick out a bit.)
KELLY: (looking over at AARON) I don't get it AARON, what is he saying? Why is everone looking at me like that?

(OSCAR's expression turns suspicious)

ST: He walks in, Aaron. You follow right?
AARON: (distracted) Huh? Oh right, yeah.
ST: And you Kelly? you going to walk in after them?
KELLY: Well, if he's going in then I'm following. Cuz at least SOMEONE here likes me.
ST: (awkardly)Right ok.
ST: As soon as you're inside a couple of steps, the man turns and stops by a statue of a lion.
AARON: Ok, so what does this place look like? Do I notice anything weird?
ST: (rolls a die) Well, the groun dat your feetseems like really cheap floorboards on top of actual earth, dirt.
AARON: Hmm, that's odd. ANtyhing else? Like about this guy?
ST: You notice that his right hand looks off-color.There's something strange about it. It looks strangely dirty and not really like a hand should look.
AARON: Ok. I don't like this at all. I'm going to grab Kelly and go back out the door.
ST: Shmoidreck hits a button and the door slams shut and locks.
ST:Drop the shtick already! You're with Crimson Arrow, yes?
AARON: (shakes his head violently) No no. I don't even know what that is!
ST: "Hah! Lies. I need you liars and thieves following around and stealing my work like I need a Loch in kop, yes?" He mimes putting a gun to his head.
AARON: Oh, well sorry. We'll just go now, we wouldnt want to... be, locking... your cop, or anything
ST: "Ah ah. I don't think so. Friends nearby, i bet! I'll fin dthem and then i'll know why the Crimson keeps sending agents, one way or another, don't you worry!"
ST: "Until then, Zolst ligen in drerd!"
ST: He puts his hand to the ground, and it starts shaking.
ST: "Stone Hand Element: The Frail Earth"
ST: The ground underneath shakes violently and then
AARON: I'll jump clear!
ST: To where?
AARON: to... safety?
ST: You're in a hallway in front of a locked door and several yards down the hall is the old man, there is no safety.
ST: The ground beneath you gives way and you fall into darkness.
KELLY: Ok, i'll say "Ow! What happened?"
AARON: "That crazy old guy turned out to be Jewish AND a jerk...
AARON: Not that those things are connected in any way..."
KELLY: (to storyteller)So where are we?
ST: It's dark, the floor is several yards over your head. It's already closing up.
KELLY:"Oh, well at least things can't"
AARON: (color drains from face)"No! Please don't say that."
KELLY: "What? That things can't get any worse?"
ST: Kelly, you feel something grab your wrist.
KELLY: AAron, stop that! I'll whack him.
AARON: But I didn't tell you that I was going to-
ST: I know.
AARON: Oh. "Um Cutesy, that wasn't me".
KELLY: (looks profoundly disturbed)"Eek! Get it off!" I'll shake my hand and shake it off!

ST: (rubs hands and turns to Rick and Oscar) Ok, so what are you guys going to do?
RICK: If i hear the disquiet of the earth, I will proceed to investigate.
OSCAR: (sighs) Me too I guess.
KELLY: Wait! What about me? What is on me? DO i shake it off?
ST: Not yet. Ok, let's end there for this week. See you guys all next week at
KELLY: Hey! You can't, no fair! It's going to bug me all week now!
ST: (grinning) I know. Isn't it great?

_______________________________________________________________________________________

I edited and switched to yiddish in the last post, because i realized that was the awful stereotype i was really using. Man, it's scary how I didn't even realize that. Yiddish just sounds weird somehow. German and hebrew don't combine very well. Hebrew sounds way cooler. (Read as, harder to be silly with)

In case you're wondering, I actually found a site online of vulgar yiddish phrases. How scary is that.

I guess the stage direction things are fine. I'm kindof imagining it visually. Really I should have the dialogue do more work, but if my feeling is that it should match up with a drawing that's ok I guess. if i strike-out in artland I can go back and redesign it as fiction I guess.

Also, from what i can tell, the name "shmoidreck" means something like "penis shit" in english. That fits i guess. haha.

2006-09-28T02:35:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe
Part 3(I'm getting there. Don't rush me)

(once the laughter dies down)
ST:...
ST:Clever. OK, he says"Why, are you anti-semitic?"

AARON stares blankly.
KELLY: Is that something bad?
ST: "Bad? Ikh ken esn gloz un es tut mir nisht vey!
KELLY: What? Um, can you just speak normal? You're confusing me.
ST: He looks at you, AARON, narrowing his eyes.
AARON: Um, she's... she's new.

(ST looks around the room)
ST: What do you think? What would you all do if you were an old Jewish man and two people came to your door late at night and said all that? What would you think they wanted? What would you do?
OSCAR: I'd think they were from the KKK. Or like a new Hitler's Youth.
RICK: I would begin looking for my firearm.
OSCAR: Good call.
KELLY: Heeeey! Did YOU understand what he said? Stoppickingonme! You're all just jealous! (KELLY sticks out her tongue at the room)

OSCAR: So what did that mean anyway? Did it mean like 'Step off, stupid bitch' ?
ST: It means: 'I can eat glass, it does not hurt me.'
OSCAR:Uh... oh.
ST: It's the only think i know in Hebrew. And it's not like you guys would know anyway. (he shrugs)
OSCAR: Wow. I don't know whether I'm glad you told me or not.
KELLY: You CAN? Can i see? I heard about this one kid who...
OSCAR: Oh yeah sure he can. It's easy. As long as you turn it side ways and eat it real quick, you're fine.
KELLY: Really? (skeptical) I don't know, that sounds kind of like a lie.
ST: (to kelly) Don't worry it is. ANYway, before we loose our track entirely-

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I'll try to end this with a long one next time.

In case you're curious, this is the site i got the hebrew from. It's one of the silliest sites ever.

http://www.geocities.com/nodotus/hbglass.html

ALso, just in case a situation comes up when you need to call someone a potato in Hebrew:

Ra ec y budydua fedr dra vyla uv y kiehay bek - He is a potato with the face of a guinea pig

I swear. I couldn't make this stuff up.

2006-09-25T23:51:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe

Part 3(forever)

AARON:If you guys are all done being jerks, I'll open the door now.
ST: Really? (leans forward with excitement) Well then, as soon as you open the door-
AARON: Uh. Did i say open the door? I mean "look around the house carefully, keeping an eye out for traps of any sort"
RICK: I am not a Jerk.
KELLY: Wait! We weren't going to make out! This is a game (she looks aorund) Isn't it?
OSCAR: ... I don't know if I can even top that.
ST: Ok. (rolls a die) Ok. You're sure that it's not bobby-trapped or anything.
AARON: Ok. I guess I'll knock on the door this time.
ST: Ok. From inside you hear "Hold on hold on I'm cohming I'm cohming!"
AARON:... Riiight. So does he get there?
ST: Not yet.
AARON: I'll knock again.
ST: Ok right as your knocking again he opens the door "Ok ok!, what do you want already?! Oy, you'd think Sheol itself was opening up at your feet!
AARON: (taken aback) Uh... hi.
KELLY: (whispering to AARON, why is he talking like that?)
AARON: (whispering back) I have no idea)
ST: "Hey! What are you two talking about down there? You get me out of my bed at 3 in the morning and all you can do is sit here lolligagging at my door? Oy ve. " He begins closing the door.
AARON: No, wait! I, er- We- had a question.
ST: "Yes? What is it? I'm listening!"

Kelly starts giggling.
Oscar is dying with laughter.

OSCAR:Your accent is horrible.
ST: Hey, shut up. I'm doing the best I can.
ST: "Hurry up with the talking! Else i'm going to schlep on back to bed, I have to be at temple at 6 in the morning tommorrow dontcha know!"

AARON: Er, ok. I'll say "Who are you sir?"

ST: "My name is SHMOIDRECK! The MAGICIAN already!" He flourishes.

AARON stares back, looking dumbstruck.

ST: "Oy ve! You young people and your wasting my time, I ought to set you-
AARON: Why are you so...
ST: "Yes?"
AARON:... (mumbles something incomprehensible)

OSCAR who is nearby AARON in the room laughs all the harder, so tears come out of his eyes.

AARON:... Jewish?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Apparently, artists all have like tattoos of oriental dragons on their biceps and mac lap tops attatched to their backs via messanger bags. So if you have any of these things, God will light you on fire if you don't contact me.

Ok. Maybe that's a lie. He'll probablly light me on fire for saying so. But hey, you know- it's all the same to the viewers.

Bleak Universe FUNFACT!

Shmoidreck sure sounds far-fetched doesn't he? Like a total stereo type that is so offensive that no one would ever dream of actually-

WRONG!
He is based on a character from an old animation called "The Last Unicorn" that was on Tv the other day. You should watch it sometime when you're drunk or dying of a rare disease or something. It's hilarious. "Schmendrick" has a huge nose, and his lines are very clearly meant to be highly yiddish-sounding, though the voice actor tries valiantly to fight it.

My version probablly needs work. I should study the movie more. Haha.

Schlep on Shmendrick
Schlep on brother.

2006-09-22T01:21:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe

Part 3 (some more)

OSCAR: Oh, nothing-no one. Just hurry up with your door opening duty.
KELLY: Oh. Okay. But wait- I thought I already did that
ST: No, um- I was waiting for everyone else to-
OSCAR: Basically, you pussed out.
ST: AARON?
OSCAR: What? WHy are you? (he turns to look at Aaron just in time for-)
(AARON hits OSCAR in the head with a pillow)
ST: Thank you. Much appreciated.
OSCAR: MMf! Stop that.
AARON: Glad to help.
ST: ANYWAY- go ahead Kelly.
KELLY: Oh. Okay.
ST:...
KELLY: So what am I doing?
AARON: I'll go up there with her. I'll check out this building as best I can, taking (he looks at Kelly's character sheet) "Cutesy Bear" with me.
OSCAR:I wonder where THEY"RE going.
RICK: Sexual intercourse?

(Everyone looks at him in surprise)
OSCAR:(he finally laughs) That was so retarded, it was awesome.
RICK: (bows)
OSCAR: Wow. So you can take a joke. I'm impressed.
Rick: Why thank you, I-
ST: Yes, we're all in awe of your ability to disrupt my story with lewd comments. Now, continuing on...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

AHahahah. That one was kind of a one hit wonder. But I enjoyed it. Anyway-

Tenth Bleak Universe episode! WOOOO. Here's to at least ten more! (my ambitions are intimidating I know)

It's come to my attention that I should make things more "interactive". So here's your crazy interactive thingy for today- How should I attract an artist?

Pastel chalks?
Seductively dump paint outside my apartment? Haha.

Really though-I guess I'll wait until I feel like I get to a decent stage of character development/plot and am approaching funny-vana, so to speak. Then I'll fix up all the old chapters as best I can (they were all written spur of the moment after all), then maybe i'll go-a-fishing, if the material seems good enough to warrant that. Until then, and even if I never actually do that, it's good practice. PLus I think It's actually starting to feel more natural. If I find an artist, awesome. At that point, I'd probablly rewrite a lot of the old material.But, if not, well soldier on I guess.

If I do end up with an artist- I have this silly idea for what we could do that would make it far different than ALL the other fake rpg stories, visually as well as story-wise. Hehe. Anyhoo. 'Til next time, adieu.

::exits, chased by bear::
(just kidding. This is my all time favorite Shakespeare stage direction. It's in "A Winter's Tale"

(the next one should be much longer, hopefully finishing part III)

2006-09-20T19:13:00.000-07:00

(hey, if its too annoying to comment every time, do it every other time or somethin. I just want to know who's readin :) )

Bleak Universe Part III extended

ST: Ok. Wow. Well,nevermind um good enough I guess. We'll just have to wing it. That's fine Kelly, go get a drink. We'll continue when you return.
KELLY: Oh. Okay. (she leaves, and everyoen else comes back in passing her in the door)

OSCAR: So did she get unstupid?
ST: Um. Well, she's making progress and-
OSCAR: That's a no. Thats a definite no.
ST: Well I didn't say that.
RICK: Can we continue now? I am prepared.
AARON: Yeah, enough dumping on Kelly already. It's getting really old.
OSCAR: Hey man, don't knock it 'til you try it.
(Aaron suddenly goes a little pale)
OSCAR: Oh, sorry. Poor choice of words.
ST: ANYWAY. What's everyone going to do?
OSCAR: So Kelly hasn't opened the door yet? Good, because I totally don't want to miss that.
AARON: This is so stupid. I'm going to join Kelly at the door.
RICK: I shall remain here.
OSCAR: Likewise. I found a nice bush, after all.
ST: Fine. That means we have to wait for Kelly.

...(silence)

OSCAR: Yo, so why are we even here anyway?
RICK: You're the one who found the note, "genius".
OSCAR: No shit Sherlock. But i mean, why are we even doing all of this? We have no clue what this address actually means. All we know is that acid-reflux boy in the cell next to ours dropped it. We don't know anything about that guy, not even his name.
AARON: It was the only clue we had.
OSCAR: Yeah. The magic of plot. I get it. But what i'm saying, is for all we know this could be a trap.
RICK: I doubt this. I mean, he was captured as well. By the "Malovith the Malevothent"
OSCAR: He could be a plant.
AARON: A what?
RICK: We have no evidece that he is in the flora family of-
OSCAR: NO douchebag, a PLANT. A spy. The lisping retard is really working with our vomiting friend, so "Malovith" puts him in the cell next to ours, knowing he'll bust out, and that his carefully placed address will be protected by the magic plot-field.
AARON: Seems kinda complicated. What would be the point of doin that?
OSCAR: Well, I was just looking at his face over there (pointing to ST) and it's the kindof thing he would do.
AARON: It's not like we got anything else to do.
OSCAR: But anyway, yeah that's exactly my point originally. What ARE we doing? We're following "clues" but for what?
RICK: I am interested to know why the authorities captured us.
AARON: We did break into some guy's house.
RICK: Then why were we not in jail, and instead in a dungenous area?
OSCAR: Okay- One- What the hell is "dungenous?" and Two- um I guess that's a good point...
AARON: Yea, that is true
OSCAR: ...Douchebag.
ST: (laughs)
RICK (glares menacingly)
OSCAR: (putting hands up) Sorry, couldn't help it. Ok. So yeah, we have some questions to answer. 1) Who is Vomits Quietly? Why was he in prison? How does he melt bars? 2)Who is Lisping Retard? Why did the police capture us, knock us out, and give us to him? But that's not the whole of it. I mean, before I got on this pointless tangent, what I really wanted to know, was why did we break into that guy's house in the first place?
RICK: The man in white.
OSCAR: Yes, he wanted us to do him favors. Find him that book. Right. We tried the library, we got caught by some random guy, and now we're trying to figure out why. But what i want to know more, is why get him the book in the first palce? I mean, what is this, Christmas? "Do dangerous favors for the KKK week?"
AARON: (laughing) Hahaha. That was awesome.
RICK: Incorrect. He promised us a favor.
OSCAR: If some idiot came up to you on the street, handed you a gun and said "Hey buddy, go kill the president. I'll totally owe you one later on." Would you be like "derrrr, okay!" ?
RICK: What type of fire arm does he hand me?
AARON: No OScar. That's a no.
OSCAR: Okay. So he claimed he'd give us a favor. So yeah, but what favor? Flying robot lazer sharks?
AARON: THat'd be awesome.
RICK: Maybe he will grant us the Lycanthropist power of our choice?(Thinking) Hmmm... Or instructions for the "Ridiculously Evil Incarnate Ritual"? (excitedly) Yeah, I would do it for that.
AARON: I think it was immortality.
ST: Guys, the man in white claimed that he'd kidnapped one family member from each of you.
OSCAR: What? He DID? When did he tell us that?
ST: Right about when you were drawing a highly inaccurate picture of me.
OSCAR: Hmmm.... (ponders)I see. SO now the question is...
OSCAR: How do you know it was inaccurate?
AARON: (laughs)
OSCAR: Okay. Ok i get it all now. Damn, what a dick. Ok, now we just wait for-
(kelly enters)
OSCAR: Decoy! Good your back.
KELLY: Who?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Ahahaha. The characters are starting to drift a bit from their origins, in case all you out in tvland didn't notice.

Being mean to utterly everyone is fun. ALso, i felt like clearing up some plot points, since I tend to glaze over them. :shrug: It's nice having a plot, even if its kindof a token one. Which, half the time, rpg sessions feel like that anyway.

2006-09-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

(Quick note- if you read a chapter leave a message so i know you're reading! Even if it's "Yo this is___________ and i read this chapter. I only write this, because mitch's brain worms make me." Thanks.)

Bleak Universe Part 3

KELLY: That's right, right?
ST:(sighs deeply). No. NO that's not it.
OSCAR: We've been at this for THREE HOURS. Can we grab a break? I don't think I can take any more stupidity.
KELLY: Shut up! I'm gonna kick him. Can i kick him?
ST: Ok, go get a drink or something everyone.
(OSCAR, AARON and RICK file out)
KELLY: Me too?
ST: No, i just want to see if we can sort this out real quick.

ST: Ok. So, Kelly.
KELLY: Yes?
Let's do that last scene again, so that maybe I can illustrate what the rest of us are having trouble with.
KELLY: Oh. Otay.
ST: (sharply inhales as if about to say something, then changes his mind)... Right. So, you're at the address that Sam's character found in the cell last time, yes?
KELLY: Did everyone else go there?
ST: Yep.
KELLY: THen yes, I go there too.
ST: You know, Kelly, you don't have to do what everyone else does, if you don't want to. Or even what they tell you to do.
KELLY: Oh i know.
ST: Ok. So what are you going to do now?
KELLY: I'll go to the door and put my hand on the handle.
ST: Ok. And then?
KELLY: ANd then what?
ST: Er, are you going to like, well maybe say- open the door?
KELLY: Hmmm. (shrugs) I don't know!
St:...
KELLY:Well, I heard people talking and stuff about something earlier. And stuff. So, is there a vampire on the otherside of the door?
ST: (shocked stupid) A... a vampire? WE don't even have vampires in this sto-But that's not the point. How in the name of wacky midgets would you know that?
KELLY: I don't. That's why I'm asking you.
ST: Who? There's no one else around, the other characters are all...(wry) bravely hiding in the bushes.
KELLY: What do you mean? I'm asking you.
ST: Who? Is tha twhat your character says? There aren't any invisible people around or anything.
KELLY: You! I'm asking you! (she points at ST)
ST: Oh. Um. You can't.
KELLY: But i just did.
ST: No I mean. Tell me what your CHARACTER does, not you. I don't exist in your story. I'm just like an interpreter. I'm like the TV.
(Kelly stares blankly)
ST: Ok. Nevermind. I don't know hwo to explain this. I'll just do it out and maybe you'll catch on taht way. Ok. SO what do you do again? Open the door?
KELLY: Not yet. I want to know if there are any vampires on the other side of the door first.
ST: (with a forced calm) NO. None that you can see. But then again, there may possibly be a DOOR impeding you looking in.
KELLY: OKay. So if i open the door will anything bad happen?
ST: There's no response.
KELLY: Huh?
ST: No one says anything.
KELLY: What? Will anything bad happen?
ST: (rubbing nose with forfinger and thumb) Ok screw this. A voice on the otherside says "No, nothing bad will happen to you, just come right into a stranger's house for no reason without calling or even knocking on the door first, that should be REAL safe in every way, and no one over here will spit any acid on you for being totally retarded."
KELLY: Oh ok. I'll do that then.

2006-09-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

It's come to my attention that non-rpg folks are really confused by my recent stuff. So I'm gonna add some interludes in here and there.

Today's interlude is: One Line Descriptions of Movies. (inspired by paul)

See if you can guess which description corresponds to which movie! THe first one is paul's. Some of them are series.
________________________________________________________________________________________

Kid beats up his dad with supernatural powers.
Murderous old people decapitate eachother and get electrocuted.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Hah, I can't think of any more. Maybe I'll edit them in as they come to me. Maybe mroe Bleak Universe later if I'm in el moodo.

2006-09-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

PART II END!

RICK: Screw you. HE gets to start as non-human.
ST: It's just to introduce you guys to the concept.
KYLE: (crackly on phone) Alright, I'm kinda low, I'm gonna wait before I try that again. See if the HCL maybe takes care of it for me.
KELLY: What's going ON? I don't get it.
AARON: Me neither.
ROGER: Have to agree there. I'll say "RICK, can you see what's going on?"
KELLY: Wait, aren't you supposed to talk your character to his character, or something?
OSCAR: He named his character Rick.
KELLY: Oh.
ST: Ok i'll roll it in a sec. I'll put you off speaker for now.
RICK: "Not sure, but I have an idea."
ROGER: Sounds dangerous.
RICK: Ok, I'm going to lean out the bars and look over in that direction. Do I observe any of those broken off bars nearby?
ST: Um, sure.
RICK: Within arm's reach? I'll stretch out my arm as far as I can.
ST: (rolls a die) Um.. no, not quite.
RICK: "I need some help here. anyone have climbing rope or a long pole or plank of wood on them?"
OSCAR: Where would we keep them? Up our asses? That lisping lunatic took all our gear, remember?
AARON: I think I see where you're going with this. I'll take off my shirt.
KELLY: Really? Are you hot?
AARON: (with fake libido) Well... I do have an appearance rating of 70 percent (holds up 7 fingers )
ROGER: Um, I think see where you're going with THAT. And it's disturbing me.
OSCAR: I'll say (they laugh and fist pound)
AARON: (to ST) I'll take off my shoe then tie the laces and the sleeve together so they're tight.
OSCAR: Please, no more naked.
ST: Okay...
AARON: "Hey Rick, use this to get that bar. Be careful though."
RICK: "Got it!" Ok, i'll put the shirt on the outside of the bars, and swing the shoe toward the bar on the floor.
ST: Oh i see. OK sure,(rolls a die) i'll let you snag it with a few tries.
RICK:Ok, i'll pull it closer until it's right outside of the cell. Then i'll untie the shoe, and wrap the shirt around my hand. Is there any acid left on the bars?
ST: Oh RIGHT. You're right, a whole bunch splattered. Yeah there's still some active.
RICK: Ok. I'll pick up the bar at the other end, without acid, and then i'll put the bar up to the one in front of me, and try scraping some of it off. I'll do the same thing to as many as I can.
ST: The acid is strong, you're broken bar is starting to dissolve.
RICK: Ok, did i get some on to our prison bars?
ST: Yeah, it's already eating through. The the acid is nearing the end of your fingertips on the bar too.
RICK: Ok, I'll drop it.
RICK: Ok, now i'll sit back and wait.
ST: Wow, nice. And see? you did it without any super powers.
RICK: YEah. THanks.
OSCAR: Yeah, he used that other guy's...
(Aaron hits him with a pillow again)
OSCAR: I'll say "dude, put your shirt back on.
AARON: "No thanks, it's full of acid. You can have it."
RICK: DO the bars melt through?
ST: Not yet, it's taking a few minutes.
AARON: Ok, we'll wait.
ST: K, like 5-10 minutes go by, and the bars in front of you have melted through enough for you to slip through.
AARON: Nice. I'll jaunt up to RIck. "That was a good trick there, mate. You're a handy chap to have around.
RICK: Why thank you sir. (they fist pound)
OSCAR: Ok, I'll head over into the next cell.
ST: Empty.
OSCAR: Damn. ANything in there?
ST: Lots of burnt holes in the ground and the bars are a complete melted mess. You do see a small slip of paper in one corner tha managed to survive though.
OSCAR: (raises an eyebrow) Really? All that acid? What is it anyway?
ST: You can't tell. And yes, it was protected by the magic of plot.
OSCAR: Hah. Ok, i'll pick it up.
ST: It's a business card. There's an address, but the name and phone number have burned away.
ROGER: I'll walk into that cell and look around. "So let me get this straight. Eating cockroaches gives you magic powers?"
OSCAR: "No, you just vomit acid."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Ok, I'll jump ahead next time to half way through the following session. Got a little carried away there with serious and plotty type things. I'll return to the silly next time. Juggling both is kidna tricky. Hehe.

2006-09-12T00:20:00.000-07:00

Part 2 continued some more! (I'll finish it when im ready, damnit)

ROGER: Ok. What kind of noises do we hear?
ST: Scrabbling sounds coming from the wall, and mumbling you can't make out.
ROGER: Ok. I'll say "Yo, who's in there? Maybe we can help eachother out. I doubt you like this Mal guy either, seeing how you're in PRISON and all."
ST: Ok, you won't hear anything else other than the same for a few minutes. Figure out what you want to do next among yourselves. I have to do something else. (He takes out a cell phone.)
OSCAR: WHat do you have to do?
ST: (smiles) I'm going to contact your prisonmate, your next-cell neighbor. (He picks up a character sheet and gets up from behind the screen. He moves over to one corner of the room and takes out a cell phone)
KELLY: He IS? Why does he have a cell phone?
AARON: He's going to call him, I guess.
OSCAR: I'm bored (stretches out, putting his hands behind his head).
KELLY: Call him? On the cell phone?
OSCAR: No, he's going to call him with his hat.
KELLY: His hat? Is it like, a special hat-phone?
OSCAR: Yes.
RICK: Tedium always follows behind me.
OSCAR: I'll say.
RICK: (glares at him intently, a disturbing angry smile on his face)
ROGER: Just ignore him rick, damn.
KELLY: (she stands up and holds her hands out, palms open and outwards, in a "hold on" gesture)Ok, everyone just wait. Wait. Everyone. Listen to me for a second. I need someone to tell me something for sure.
ROGER: Yeah?
KELLY: Ok. Ok. Now- Is he (pointing to ST) or is he not, calling someone from our story right now? Because I was told that none of this was real.
(OSCAR and ROGER look at eachother and then laugh hysterically. Aaron chuckles but looks kind of disturbed. Rick begins laughing right when everyone else is petering out. His voice gets louder and he is guffawing crazily by the time everyone stops laughing.)
AARON: Dude...
KELLY: (pointing at RICK) STOPPPPITTT! Stopmakingfunofme!
ST: (coming back over, still on the cell phone)WHOA whoa. It's ok Kelly( she looks kinda close to tears) Relax. I'm just talking to Kyle, he couldn't actually be here tonight, so he's going to tell me what he does via cell phone.
(kelly sits down)
ROGER: Really? Damn. I wouldn't do that. That must cost like-
ST: Free nights/weekends.
ROGER: Ah.
ST: Ok give me one more sec everyone. (muttering into phone) Hunger Incarnation. Right. Hunger element 2, sword affinity. Yeah i got it. You remember what you have to do for that to maintain it? Ok good. If you're all set on your background and sheet then... ok great.
(Silence. Everyone leans in, straining to hear the conversation)
ST:(He looks up from his cell phone while he goes back to talking to everyone.)
ST: Ok people. We ready to (notices that they were all trying to listen in) Um, Wow. Don't you want ANY surprises?
KELLY: What's a hunger element?
OSCAR: Like you don't know, with that-
(AAron hits him in the face with a pillow)
ST: Right, well then. Ok. So you're all in the cell. You hear noises next door. What are you all going to do?
ROGER: I was talking. For the last 5 minutes apparently. I'll say "Hey, retard. What are you doing in there?"
ST: What? Oh, yea well-
ROGER: I SAID, "HEY RETARDS, WHAT-"
ST: Nono i heard you, its Kyle. Huh? Yeah ok. Sure, there are a few. Really? you're going to do that when it-Ok. Ok wow. Gross. Ok well i'll do it now, you can listen in.
ST: Ok, you're still not getting any response when
KELLY(standing up again, she points at OSCAR) HEY! I am NOT FAT.
OSCAR: ANd the last horse crosses the finish line.
(Bloody murder flashes in her eyes and she makes as if she's going to go rip out oscar's throat)
ST: (steps in front of her) OKAAYYYY then. Oscar, shut up. Kelly, relax. He only does it because you react like that. YOu aren't fat.
KELLY: Thank you.
ST: ANYWAY. As you all wait for a response, a half dozen cockroaches begin walking past your cell.
KELLY: Ewww gross, Cockroaches! I'll jump to the back of the cell. I'll say "Eww gross! Cockroaches!"
ST: Uh ok
ROGER: So?
(Rick perks up suddenly, from a deep reverie where he had his head down on his fists)
RICK: Cockroaches you say? VERY INTERESTING. (he grabs a rule book from the floor beside him and begins flipping through it furiously)
ROGER: It IS?
AARON: I'll go into the corner and comfort Titania.
KELLY: Who's that?
AARON: (looks down at her character sheet) You?
KELLY: Oh right. Awww THanks!
ST: So, anyone-
RICK: (stands up) Ok, Got it. Now, do these cockroaches have...(flips the page, then dictates from the book) "three purple dots, at the apex of the carapace")?
ST: (confused) Um, sure ok. Why not.
RICK: AHA! I will say "Orthopterous Lycanthropists! I know that you are in your insectile form, but hear me, we humbly request assistance!"
ROGER: Wait, WHAT? What did you just say?
RICK: I'll go up to the bars and whisper, so no one can hear me.
ST: Ok, so you're on your hands and knees, whispering to cockroaches.
RICK: Yes.
ST: (stifling a laugh) Ok, just, uh, just checking.
RICK: And so?
ST: Um, the.. cockroaches continue on.On second thought, they dont have those markings. I didn't know they were significant.
RICK: Oh.
ST: OK, the cockroaches continue on.
RICK: Ok, I shall watch where they travel.
ST: Then you see them disappear into the cell next to you.
RICK: Ok, I'll say "Friend next to me, watch out! For-
ST: You hear some awful noises suddenly.
ROGER: Yeah? Like what?
ST: It sounds someone eating something voraciously.
AARON: Uh, WOW.
KELLY:Huh? What does vora-
OSCAR: He's eating cockroaches.
KELLY: Eww!
ST: (on phone) Yeah, yeah you have enough now. Here I'll put you on speaker phone.
ST: Ok, you hear a voice come from the cell next to you. It says...
KYLE: (crackly voice from phone) "Hunger Sword Element: DEVOURING THE CAGE!"
ST: Then you hear a loud CLANG! LIke someone just hit the bars with something metallic.
ROGER: He has a SWORD in there? You'd think they'd take that from him.
ST: It's... complicated.
OSCAR: Did he really need to say the name of the power like that?
ST: NO, but we thought it'd be cool. Youdidn't think so?
OSCAR: No, no it was ok i guess.
ST: Ok, you all smell something. It smells like something metallic being vaporized.
ROGER: Hey, what's going on in there?
ST: OK, I'm rolling it now Kyle. 15 base, +10 for the sword, +20 for the effect of the... substance on the bars. That 20 will be per turn. (he rolls a whole LOT of die. Ok... 20 Victories. Not quite enough to get through but...
ST: (to everyone else) Ok pieces of the bars are falling off, you can hear them clanging ont he floor. You're starting to smell something else now it smells like... chemicals. Like at the pool or in a chem lab.
OSCAR: Wow rick. He kicked your ass.

2006-09-09T02:57:00.000-07:00

Part 2 Final

ST: "ANyway. as I was saying, tell me who you're working for our i'll cut you all into quarters."
KELLY: He can turn us into quarters?
OSCAR: "Ok, go ahead. Just start with her."
KELLY: "Heeey!"
RICK: "Apologies, Sorcerer Mal, but we have no quarrel with you. We were simply sent to retrieve the Philanthropist's Rock in exchange for a favor, from a suspicously non descript man cloaked in white."
ST: (mal) "BWahaha. YOu fools. I can see that you are easily manipulated and are actuaqlly no threat to me at all. Simply swear a blood oath taht you shall never trouble me again, and I shall-"
KELLY (giggles, and then in a whisper-) Does he have to stand up and wave his arms aorund like that?
OSCAR: It's more dramatic.
ST: *AHEM* "I shall spare your pitiful lives.
AARON: "I ain't pitiful, mate"
ST: (mal) "Oh really, and if i turned you into a 3 inch lobster? Would you be pitiful then?
AARON: Obviously You got some inferority issues to work out.
ROGER: "Go ahead, idiot. Just try it." Ok, I'll cast "inexplicable cheap shot" on him.
ST: What? Um, uh. I take it your done Roger?
RICK: Pardon? SO am i to understand that he is present in our dungeon now? Very well. I'll say "Forsooth! Stranger, from whence didst thou comst? Verily, ye must have cast some dark sorcery on thyself, to have been invisible to mine eyes this whole whyle!"
ROGER: ...
RICK: Yes, gentle sir?
Do you have to talk like a retard?
OSCAR: THANK YOU.
ST: Ok. whoa whoa. Slow down.
RICK: Ok ok. I'm gonna kick him. Ok, 14 dice, +3 for "unnecesary anger" comes to...
ST: Kick who?
RICK: Him. (points to ROGER)
ST: But he isn't even in the game yet!
RICK: Ohhhh. RIght. sorry.
ST: OK, so hold on, one thing at a time.
RICK: I'll point to him in the game.
KELLY: No kicking! Only i can do that! (kicks AAron)
AARON: Hey!
OSCAR: (whispers)Hey Roger, say that you brouhgt a jug of water with you.
ST: Ok, anyway, I don't know if i can add you at this point Roger, you should wait until we finish this part, because it doesn't really make sense
OSCAR: (continues whispering)Oh, and a skeleton key.
ROGER (whispers back) WHy?
ST: That you would enter at this- Hey what are you guys talking about? Listen to me damnit (fakes crying)
OSCAR: Just do it.
ROGER: Oh
ROGER (loudly to ST) Ok, I brought a jug of water and a skeleton key with me.
ST: Brought with you? On what trip? Your magic time jaunt through fairyland and into this cell?
ROGER: Uh, yes?
KELLY: Fairy land?! Awesome, is there a door back into it?
ST: Why would you have a jug of water with you?
ROGER: Uh... well, my guy is big into the gym and sutff, so i always carry it on me.
ST: (sighs) Fine, let's just go from here and I'll assum eyou were with them the whole time. You can have the jug of water, but not the skeleton key. Ok, let's just continue.
OSCAR: Sweet! I'll go up to him "Hello stranger, might you have any extra water on you that you may be willing to spare?
ROGER: Why yes, yes i do.
ST: ....
ST: Fine, whatever.
OSCAR: Ok I'll fill it up.
ST: Great. ANYWAY.
RICK: So did i ever kick him in the head?
ROGER: ANd did I cast cheap shot on that guy?
ST: No, cuz that's dumb, and no, because youre still human. And because that's also dumb. Answer the questions?
ROGER:...
RICK:...
ST: Fabulous. Mal gives you the middle finger, and then says "Fine, rot in your cells." then he leaves.
ST: you hear noises coming from the cell next to yours, there's actually walls between cells, and you...
AARON: I'm going to see who it is.
ST:... can't see who it is.
AARON: Oh.

Sorry, I never know how long my blurbs are going to be, and i kindof ant to keep the parts whole. After if inish this section (hopefully with just one more piece) ill try to make each "part" a weekly session. So there could be a couple of posts for each.

2006-09-04T22:06:00.000-07:00

Part II continued.

ST: Ok, we all back now? Excellent. OK, so you're all in a dungeon. You don't know what happened to the police officer when the guy in black attacked you. You haven't seen anything yet but this dungeon cell. Like I said before, it's about 15 feet square, and 20 feet tall. There are no windows. The bars are thick metal, with no discernable rust.

AARON: Well, this... this is awkward.

RICK: OK. I'm going to run at the bars and deliver a spinning lotus dragon jump kick. That's martial arts style number 3,action move 45. My combat boots add +3 to the roll, making it +14 all together. Could I have some more dice over here?

ST: Wait hold on. 14 dice for the kick?
RICK: Yes. Hold on one moment. Ok, there. I have scored 8 victories.
ST: Those bars have a victory rating of 35.
RICK: Oh.
ST: Ok, um so... I'm sorry. What was your guy's name again?
RICK: Penumbral Umbrage.
OSCAR: Just call him Bra.
ST: Let's go with Pen. Pen runs into the bars and jumps into the air, kicking it as hard as he can, but there's just a thumping vibration sound. And, your foot hurts now.
RICK: I'll sit back down and rub my foot. "These bars are pretty tough."
OSCAR: No shit genius.
RICK: I'll ignore him. Wait- I'm not even going to look in his direction!
ST: Um, Ok.
OSCAR: I'm going to squirt-
ST: You're out of water. Totally out of water. Completely. Gone. You may never find trick flower filling water again ever.
OSCAR: Damnit.
AARON: "Well, mates.. obviously we need someone to spring us... from this jail cell. I don't have any ideas... myself... at the present time, So i shall leave all the heavy thinking to you gents." I'll sit back in the corner, and tip my hat down (Aaron does the same, putting on a huge hat he dind't have before)
OSCAR: Whoa, where'd you get that?
AARON: My car.
OSCAR:I can't decide whether that's really stupid, or really awesome.
ST: Um, trapped in a cell? Untimely deaths imminent?
RICK: You probablly think its stupid, because you think everything is stupid.
ST: Ok... moving on... Someone approaches. Black shadows leak out from his cloak.

ST: "Good evening, foolth. My name ith MALAOVITH, THE MALEFETHENT!
KELLY: What? What's wrong with you? Is there something wrong with your tongue? Are you OK?
ST: No, I mean yes. I was just you know, doing an NPC. So anyway, continuing... "I wath the one who brought you down into thith hole in the groun. Becauth-"
KELLY:(giggles) I'm sorry, but can you stop that? I just can't take it.
ST: (sighs) Let's just try to keep going shall we? "Ath i wath thaying..."
KELLY: (giggling uncontrollably, she slaps ST on the knee) Heheheh stop that! I can't take anymore!
ST: What? See, he's just creepy, but with a lisp. A cute creepy, that moves into scary again, because it's disturbing in its macabre irony.
OSCAR: Nah. It's just lame.
AARON: (laughing) That was awesome. Do that again.
RICK: I must reluctantly agree with my compatriots.
ST: "Ith painth me, heroeth, thath you don'th thake your thituation more theriouthly, tho I..."
KELLY: EEK! Stop it! (slaps ST again)
ST: (throwing his hands up in the air) FINE! Whatever! I can't add any color into my stories apparently. He says "Yo, lame ass retards, my name's Mal, and I caught you in my cell. Now spill about who sent you, or i'll pull off your skin with a barbed fish hook."
OSCAR: Now that was cool.
KELLY: Since I'm a teddy bear, can i squeeze through the bars?
ST: (throws up his hands and leans back towards the door)YOU ARE NOT A TEDDY BEAR!
ROGER: (entering the room) Oh. Well I know that much.

AARON: Hey man! How was work?!
ROGER: Crappy. So what's going on?
OSCAR: We're all in prison.
ROGER: Damn. THat sucks. What happened?
OSCAR: Ask bra bra. Oh i'm sorry, I mean douche bag.
ROGER: What? WHo?
ST: Never mind. Roger, just get to making that character sheet, and I'll find a place to throw you in. OK continuing on...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Hahahaa. Ah. At least i'm enjoying myself if nothing else. You see? There's a shot against me. There, now no one can complain about anything.

2006-09-03T19:08:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe

Part II

(later)

RICK: ... and that's why you're a pointless, stupid, infantile bastard.
OSCAR: I'm sorry, did you say something?

ST: Um Ok, good. Well we've been going a hwile now, so I guess we can take a break there and... cool off. I have to say, after all the introductions taking over an hour, I didn't think we'd have any time to actually get anywhere.

RICK: We're in prison. And this is all obviously HIS fault (points to Oscar).

OSCAR: Yeah whatever. I wasn't the one who shouted "I'd watch thy step, constable, for the arcane magics of the hinterworld shall bring about thy downfall!" when a cop came up to us and asked us what we were doing, that was real smart. Especailly since you're still human, dumbass.

RICK: SHut up. You're the one who squired him with a flower when he walked around the corner we were hiding behind, ass. You know, I've never liked you, or anything about you. And if you keep pushing me, someday i'm going to SNAP (He snaps fingers once. He gives oscar a giant grin, then...)
RICK: I'm going to the lavatory facilities.(leaves)

KELLY: Hey, come onnnn! Stop fighting you guys.
AARON: Wow. WEll, that was awkward. So...I'm getting a soda.(leaves)

(after a minute)

OSCAR: I wish i had a trick flower in real life for moments like those. I should go get one.

ST: Maybe you should lay off him, just a little, you know. For a change in pace.
OSCAR: I have no idea what you're talking about.

(few more minutes go by, everyone re-enters)

______________________________________________________________________________________

Ill finish this one with an edit later. Heh it occurs to me that some people may pick up that i based these characters on people. Heh. DOnt worry, ill have ST do some dumb things too. ALso, i very highly exagerated all the characters, and am slowly changing them away from their roots, so to speak. So if you think you've figured it out, take it as a compliment if anything, you made the games interesting :) Hehe. Besides, like i said,a ll the cahracters are super hyperbolic (way over the top) they are really nothing like their bases. If i did have a base, it was just to make it easier to begin somewhere. **Disclaimer ended** Yeah, so i'll come back and finish this one in edits laters.

2006-08-28T17:42:00.000-07:00

Bleak Universe, Chapter 1

STORYTELLER: Ok is everyone here?

KELLY: Roger has to work late, he'll be here later.
ST:(sighs) Fine, ok. Oh Well, he can start when he gets here.
Ok, you all stand in a street at night, with one fading lamp post in one corner.

OSCAR- Who's talking? I mean, who are you supposed to be?
ST: I'm the storyteller.
OSCAR: Yeah I know, but who are you in the story? YOu always tell us to be "in character" right? So what character are you?
ST:Well yes but- What? What do you mean? I'm the story teller, I don't have an actual role unless I'm doing an NPC. I just let you know what everything looks like and what's happening. Otherwise how would you know?
OSCAR:...
ST: OK? ok. So, anyway-
OSCAR:You can be the lamp post.
ST: The LAMP POST?
KELLY: Wait, so he's the lamp post? Really? You never told us we could be inanimate objects! Give me a pencil, I'm changing my sheet. I want to be a stuffed animal.
ST: (rolling eyes) Let's just try it the way we wrote it this time, eh? I mean, it was a four hours well spent.
RICK- Can we go already? I am prepared.
ST: Yeah, we can't wait anymore. Ok. Everyone want to describe their characters?
AARON: Ok. My guy has like... um what are those hats called? Like you wear them tip forward, and they have three sides?
ST: A brown leather tricorn hat?
KELLY: That was kind of specific.
AARON:And he has a white silk shirt, like what they used to wear like a long time ago, you know in the Car- um, in warm... areas. And he wears
ST: (bored) A black revolver, a rapier with a black strap, a red hand band with a hanging gold medallion, and dread locks.
AARON: Uh.. Yeah... yeah... kinda.
KELLY: WOW! How did he know? That's really amazing.
ST: Oh, not that amazing.
AARON: But he doesn't have a revolver. This is supposed to be modern times, right?
ST: That's right. So what's his name?
AARON: Oh It's Jac...ob Sp... Arrow. It's Jake Arrow.
ST: That was beautiful. THank you.
KELLY: What was?
OSCAR: (whisper) Say "not you".
ST: Um- Not
OSCAR: (whisper) you. not you!
ST: Not... nothing.
OSCAR: So if it was not nothing, then it was...
ST: Whatever. How about you?
OSCAR: He's a teenager, wearing chains, a leather jacket, and a t-shirt with the anarchist symbol on the front. He's 8 feet tall, 300 pounds, and is carrying a club in one hand.
ST: And he's a teenager?
AARON: Oh! And he also has a coin purse, and a belt, a slick black goatee, and sharp eyes that look like they were touched up with masquera, and
ST: OK, ok that's good Aaron, perfect. I think-
OSCAR: And i have a little trick flower on the end of my coat.
ST: Oh.Well, I-
RICK:As for me, I am shrouded in a deep cloak. THat is all you need know.
OSCAR:... Ok, i'll squirt him with my flower.
ST: Um... ok, why?
OSCAR: I just am.
RICK: Really? Did he really just do that?
ST: Yeah, I guess. You have water on your face now.
RICK: Ok, wow. DOes my inner incarnated spirit of pure hatred manifested as a incandescent black shroud of evil activate yet? YOu want the stats for that? Let's see, 35 plus the equipment modifier...
ST: Um, you all start off as human. YOu don't have that yet.

And that was the first episode of an idea for a role playing parody I have called "Mismatched", i think it will have to be in script form. We were hoping to get an artist, actually. Paul and I have a ton of ideas for it. But, lacking that, I'll just post some stuff up here in script format. I dunno what the legal considerations would be. If it ever matters which it probablly won't,I think what I might do is the classic parody tactic of hiding behind the fair use act via name changes where its close but not exactly using it. :shrug: At the last it should be fun, and maybe give me ideas of how else I can use it. It's kindof all the rage to do 4th wall role playing game comics, and i feel the urge to try. I feel like there's still yet room for variation in certain fields :)

This is going to be me experimenting mostly. So try not to jump down my throat with spelling errors and such. General impressions would be cool. If I like it enough maybe i'll try doing somethng with it. Though I got no idea what. The best would be if i found an artist.

2006-08-24T17:51:00.000-07:00

First, a bit of a "guest" thefunny, from my friend, Ashia. This came from a recent aim convo i had with her. She has a recent obsession with writing for an advice column.

The guy asking for advice is supposed to be me.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

"Dear The Ashia,

I think I have a chemical imbalance because i'm depressed all the time and always doubt myself. What should I do? Also, I'm a dirty hippy with a beard"
"Signed,
Sad-in-ssss..marshfield"

"Dear Senior sad,
Have you tried heroin? I heard that makes everything much better. And then much worse like, 5 minutes later. Either way, it'll put the past, when you were depressed, into perspective, since you will become a low-down dirty junkie. If you shave the beard though, you could be a trendy rockstar. I'd aim for shaving the beard"

***
And, one more for good measure

TehAshia: Anyway, come up wtih some quandries you have like "how do I get the caulk on my tub to stop turning black" or "how do i find a nice guy to settle down with?" or "how do i get my cat to stop puking up furballs?"
Mitchman: for a second i thought that read "stop puking up fireballs"
TehAshia: those too
TehAshia: we have to keep an extra extinguisher in every room with upholstered furnitre
TehAshia: we've gone through 3 couches

Updates coming back again. It's good practice. PLus, ir eally think i can compile it someday. I read a few entries and I actually laughed myself. I mean, some of the stuff made me yawn, sure. Bu ti i do think i have some gold. i love the narrarator's "dis"es in my old 4th wall story. "If the old apparation Marley were to appear to you in this condition, he'd be greeted with an altercation and blows to the face". Haha. Lol. Maybe i'm the only one who thinks i'm funny

2006-01-22T18:38:00.000-08:00

The Mysterious and Dark Origins of "Malovis" Revealed!

Ages and ages ago (like say 5 years) there was no Malovis. He was only an idea hidden within a notion buried deep inside... um..basically I hadn't made him up yet. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about- Malovis is a random name I use on thngs like Gengine, and sometimes in Mmrpgs. ANYWAY-

A guy named Mitch was innocently typing laaaaate at night. There he was, typing away, when who should he come across, but STUPID PERSON. There conversation when something like this:

STUPID PERSON: "Hello Uncle Carl, how is the grain farm in Alaska?"
Mitch: "Oh my apologies gentle sir, but i am not the person to whom you think you speak.
SP: wat
Mitch: I'm not carl, or uncle sue, or Jimmy Carter. Sorry. Good Luck finding whoever you're looking for.
SP: Shut up Carl. I hate when you play games like this.

At this point, Mitch was quite tired of people getting his screen name wrong, and then refusing to believe he is who he says he is. Therefore, he signed off and made a new screen name, with which to torment the lingering evil of those who are stupid (tm).

Malovis: "BEHOLD, I am MALOVIS THE MIGHTY WIZARD. I have EATEN your Uncle Carl, and sent his soul screaming past the banks of the River Styx, to hide within the depths of Far Stgyia! Therefore, bother not my faithful apostate, gentle Mitchman"
SP: "wat. stfu carl."

So from that point forward, Malovis rained a bitter torrent of judgement on the painfully stupid.

2006-01-04T15:32:00.000-08:00

If you're driving along at night on an empty road, no one in front or behind you for miles, and suddenly you crash into something, your windshield shattering into shards of flying glass and your head hitting the airbag...

You may have just rearended an invisible car.

2005-11-29T14:43:00.000-08:00

Well, no one really reads this anymore, but oh well. I guess it's good practice for my non-fiction hopes. I do think that eventually I can compile and edit this stuff into some funny blurb type book maybe. Minus my pointless introductions, of course. Ok here we go. Got this idea last night. Heh.

_____________________________________________________________________

Good morning class. Today we're going to learn about metaphors. So let's try an experiment. I'll tell you about a commercial I saw yesterday, and when I'm done, you hold onto the first thing that comes to your mind. I'm going to cut off the conclusion of the commercial so that you can formulate what should naturally follow based on the metaphor used.

Ok?
Ready?
Here we go.

It went something like this:

A man dressed rather formally comes onto the screen.
He says, "Just looking at the outside of a strawberry doesn't tell you much. It's limited. You know that it's a fruit, and that it's red but that's about it. But when you bite into it, it's a whole different story. There's a range ofjuicy flavor and experience that you'd never know by just looking at the outside. It's kind of like that when you have a new baby. You think you know what it's like from the outside, but when you actually ___________________, it's a completely different story.

Now, come on. The above is a paraphrase for sure, but it was pretty close. You can't even TELL me that you didn't think that would finish with "when you actually bite into the baby, and experience their unique juicy flavor...".

The way you begin a metaphor, the language you use to set it up makes a big difference. When the guy said the phrase "bite into it" and then immediately started talking about having a baby, it made certain connections in my mind.

Maybe I'm just crazy and like to screw up other people's imagery. But all I know is thatcomparing eating strawberries to having a baby doesn't amtch up too well and just isn't that effective.

But comparing eating strawberries to eating babies... now that is no tonly hilarious but a well matched metaphor. And it's hilarious. And isn't that what life is all about?

2005-11-08T19:13:00.000-08:00

Ok. Well i struggled with whether to even try writing this for like 2 hours now, and I think I should- maybe precisely because it seems so pointless.

_____________________________________________________________________

'I heard rough housing going on in there, what was that? I'm coming in, are you decent?" Jason's mom called, her voice a shrill screech.

"No wait, i'm naked!" Jason called in response, his state of full dress not apparent to his mother due to the closed door.

God, I can't wait to get our of here, Jason thought to himself, his fists clenching.

"Huh? You can read what I'm thinking? Now that is screwed up, man."

It may strike you, gentle reader, as odd that a hero with as facile a wit as our hero, would take so long to understand so simple a concept as a nararrator.

"Oh screw you paranoid schizophrenia. Here, take a gander at what I'm thinking right now."

Obviously frustrated at his virgin lifestyle in which he still lives with his mother, our hero begins to imagine the gratitous pleasure he could gain from fornicating with his bed post.

"Har har. if you had a body I would fornicate this bed post right up your-"

But our hero's mother chose that moment to knock sharply on the door, and announce her ensuing entry.

"Shhhhh, shut up" Our hero said to the empty air, right as his mother opened the door.

"Oh, so you think i should shut up do you? Well young man, I think that" she began, her anger obviously growing. But then she stopped as her eyes alighted on the half-invisible closet door.

"What is this? When did I tell you that you could go around making alterations to your room? Well? Because i most certainly don't remember giving you permission to go around destroying things in your room whenever you feel the need-"

Yes of course. I "made alterations" to my room. I "destroyed" my closet door with a hammer that left it still solid, and completely even on one side. Are you sure your readers really need to hear all this, O might narrarator?" Our hero thought to himself, having finally caught on to his predicament.

Later that day, our hero went to his local community college.

"Sweet, I don't remember anything! I take it back, youa re one sweet m-fer after all."

"I appreciate the sentiment Mr. Mathews, but I'm not into young men who use vulgarity. Now sit the hell down." SnappedMrs. Stevens, our hero's Lit Comp teacher, as our hero was now standing in the middle of class.

NExt time warn me about that, jackass, our hero thought, sitting down.

2005-11-04T23:12:00.000-08:00

Im too lazy to write more in the story for now, plu sI kindof wonder if I can keep up funniness and any sort of plot line while doing weird 4th wall stuff all at the same time for too much longer anyway (or have i already failed at doing some/all of those? lol). So here is a random weird anecdote.

About antifreeze.

_____________________________________________________________________

I went to a gas station once at like 3 or 4 morning. Ok I do that a lot. But there was one particular time where it was really late and I went to get gas. And then I realized I needed antifreeze, so i figured I'd pick that up as well. I was in a super morbid mood, but I also felt kindof weird/silly at the same time. So I had this really odd idea. I didn't actually do it of course (as will become apparent my body's continued integrity), but I remember that the thought came to me particularly strongly, and that it reminded me just how strongly i value my own strangeness.

The thought came to me as i was paying for the antifreeze.

I thought- "You know, if i were really tired of being alive, I think i would pay for this antifreeze like I'm doing now, take two steps away from the cashier, open up the bottle...

And then drink it.

All of it.

Then i would wipe my mouth, say "AHHH" and walk out to die in a horribly painful fashion.

But it'd be worth it. Cuz I'd horribly mentally scar some random 7-11 clerk for no reason. Hey giving the finger to the world is cathartic, even for twisted weirdos.

You don't think so? Well fine. Go read some Vvonnegut. Any of his novels. Go ahead, do it.

I'll wait.

2005-10-29T23:57:00.000-07:00

Hmm. I think I might have to actually take this in a story direction, in order to have it not get old. I actually have 2 whole people reading, incredible. Well as long as people are still reading, I guess I'll keep writing. That is how i tend to work. Who knows, maybe someday I can adapt this into a story and send it somewhere. ::shrug::

______________________________________________________________________

"It grieves me that you think so, master. But I promise you one day, you will understand my true merit. And my ability may increase as your abilty to use me does. For I am a living sword."

Our hero made an amused, wry face, and it was safe to say, another inspid comment was imminent.

"I cannot but be disapointed in they true nature, O noble sword, for how may I rend mine enmies in twain with a sword that's SHAPED LIKE A COAT HANGER." To demonstrate, he swung the sword at his bed post, and observed it clang pitifully against the wood and then reverberate out of his hand and onto the floor. Thus it appeared to him in any case,as he still lacked the mage sight.

This time the sword stayed silent, for only time would change the hero's mind about the greatness of Terahedon

"What, no wry comment, O imaginary friend?"

Our hero was at this point merely wasting time, and reveling in a most unfortunate superiority conplex.

"Oh so you're my psychologist now? Wellhere, make sure you write down AGRESSIVE TENDENCIES" Our hero at this point made a lude gesture hardly worth troubling the minds of our gentle readers.

"Why can't you talk to me directly anyway? Didn't your mother ever tell you that refusing to talk to people politely is really freaking rude? I mean, b now, the whole "narrarator" shtick isn't really fooling anyone. Although, you are just a delusio, so I should just ignore you. Good point."

It is unfortuante that our hero starts off at such humble beginnings, and that he doubted his own senses so thoroughly.

"Hello? I'm right here acid dream. And why shouldn't i doubt my senses? I mean, a little thing can make them cheat. A drop of acid, a little meth. Why there's more gravy than grave about you."

As a means of marking where the hero starts, in relation to his amazing journey of development, it could be useful to say that Jacob Marley was one fortunate aparition to never grace the hero with his presence, as his warnings of ill-doing would be most likely met with an altercation and blows to the face.

Our hero laughed in that sharp way of his, and then his face wrinkled in the warning sign of another pointless comment.

"Well said, evidence of my mental stability. I'm glad you are developing some wit. I might as well be entertained while in the mental ward."

Abruptly, a new voice emanated from beyond the room door, in a most unpleasant and grating manner.

"JASSSOOONNNNN. TIME TO DO YOUR CHORES! WHO ARE YOUT ALKING TO IN THERE?"

Jason snickered briefly, and then called back through the door.

"IT"S ALRIGHT MOM, I"M UST TALKING TO MY INTERNAL CRITIC AND MY INVISIBLE COAT HANGER SWORD."

"OH, ALRIGHT DEAR. WELL IT"S TIME TO DO YOUR CHORES!"

2005-10-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

Ok here we go. Part 2 of the exciting saga that is "Invisible Agenda". For all you readers out there, enjoy.

Well. I mean, here you go, nick.

_____________________________________________________________________

"Oh very clever. Ok fine, whatever. I'm probablly still dreaming, or woke up this morning and hit my head on the floor. But, what the heck. I'll play hide and go seek with you. God knows my life is boring enough anyway.."

Our hero finishes his modest denial of his adventure. Little did he know, that destiny had chosen him.

But before we can get to that, he continues to look under his bed, and knock suspiciously on parts of his walls, in a pointlessly paranoid manner.

"Oh yeah, I'm paranoid. Of course. Listen, what kind of screwed up narrarator is audible to the "main character"? And just who are you talking to anyway?"

The audience of course.

"What audience?" Our hero says, pointlessly dragging on in a dull manner which indicates-

"SHUT UP ALREADY!"

I communicate with the audience of the world, who will encounters this story, and be amazed that a simple country bumpkin could grow up to wield arcane power and save the-"

"Save the world from rampaging mutant hamsters or whatever. Yeah i get it. But how are they going to 'encounter' this story anyway?"

I transmit to them telepathically.

"Ok great. But could you maybe do that part silently?" Our hero asked, perhaps a little testily.

"Hello"

I am doing as you ask, great hero.

"Ok super, whatever. In fact do the whole thing silently. I like my delusions to be as unobtrusive as possible."

Our hero paused a few seconds,as if seeing whether the great voice of boundless wisdom had indeed left. Only grim silence greeted him. With a staisfied look on his face (but probablly secretly devastated on the inside) our hero proceeded to get out of bed, and dres shimself.

Just then, the Great Sword of Tarahedon called to him from the depths of his mind.

"What? Did you say ssomething crazy delusion?"

Hero, Great Hero!"

"Yeah, what is it?" Our hero asked, clearly masking his great enthusiasm.

It is I, the great sword of Tareahedon!

"No, it is you, the great coat hanger of my room."

For lo and behold, our hero observed the voice to be coming from a lowly plastic coat hanger, that began to mysteriously move toward him across the floor. He did not yet have the hero-sight, and did not recognize the mighty sword.

"In fact, i take that back. You're jut that guy again. The great 'narrarator" pretending to be random objects from my room. And let's go a step further and say that you're some nut job, who somehow put a mic in my room, and is now screwing with me for no reason."

"Come and claim me, mighty hero!" The sword pleaded. "Come and claim your power, and for you I will accomplish mighty things!"

"Mighty things. Such as holding up my coats?" Our hero quipped, though he may grow to regret his callous treatment of the honorable sword.

Our hero shook his head, and began approaching the sword/coat hanger. He picked it up, and in a mocking voice he trumpeted:

"COME MIGHTY SWORD OF WHERE-THE-HELL-EVER. I HAVE GREAT FOES FOR YOU TO CONQUER, IN THE CLOSET...

OF DESPAIR! BEHOLD, YE VILLANOUS SPORTS JACKET, O FOR WHO ELSE WILL HOLD-"

At the height of his comic splendour, our hero slipped on a conveinitely placed pair of boxers in transit to the closet. He bumbled forward in a genuinely comic fashion, ans slammed his head against the closet door. He rubbed his head, and said something uncomely of a hero. Then he looked back at the door. He sat there in a stonishment for a moment. For the door was gone.

"What the hell?" was all our still-gosling hero could manage.

"BEHOLD!" the sword in his hand heralded. "Witness you not the power that I give to you? Your room of fine robes has been removed from the realm of sensory perception!"

"What? I mean- uh, i not... witness... it. Uh. Wait. You mean the closet door? Ar eyou saying it's... invisible?"

"When you wield me, my master, anything may be removed from the minds of yourself and others, by simply gracing it, with your heroic presence!"

"Wait. Are you saying that the power the mighty coat hanger, errr..sword of kings or whatever grants me, is the power to make things invisible by banging into them with my head?"

"Indeed! Together we are unstoppable!"

"I'm sorry. but you have got to be the lamest sword ever."

2005-10-16T01:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, here's the beginning of a random story taht experiments with form that i've been kicking around in my head for a while. I figure i'll get down at least a little of it today, in order to say that i did some kind of writing, at the least. I know, 4th wall violations are nothing new. But hey, who knows. That's why it's an experiment.

Italics will indicate things actually spoken aloud by narrarator.

_____________________________________________________________________

Invisible Agenda

By:

"Ughhhh, w- what?"Our hero says drunkenly, after waking up well past a reasonable hour in a most shameful fashion.

"Drunkenly? What? Who are you?" Our hero was getting paranoid now, and begins looking wildly from left to right across the room.

"What? I have a gun under my bed, just for special occasions where people break into my room and narrate me." Clearly our hero had regained his senses enough to snap off witty comments, but yet not enough to recognize a narrator handling his story.

"A narrator? Ok funny guy, well if your a narrator where are you? Show yourself."

You know, if you keep addressing me, I can't get back to the story. And i cannot show myself, you cannot see me.

"Invisible ay? Well where's your body? I'll put holes in that."

I have no body. I am the disembodied narraror voice.

"No body ay? Ha! Well fine then. Look at this, oh oh look what i'm doing, wow i'm using my body! Oh, wow! Bet you wish you could do this!"Having fully awakened from his stupor, our hero decides to cavort around the room, mocking the narrator, violating the fourth wall, and illuminating his deeply ingrained idiocy.

____________________________________________________________________

Hahaha. Oh man. Well I dunno. What do you think, dumb? Should i go on with it? I have some silly ideas.

2005-10-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

I was at work once, strugglinng to find a reason why over a thousand pieces of glass fruit should exist. The cause for this quandry was mostly because I had spent several hours straight stocking glass apples, glass bananas, glass papayas, and every other type of glass fruit imaginable.

Why on earth would anyone pay $5.99 for a glass apple you ask? Well I asked myself the very same question that night. And during my time of stocking the glass delicacies, I began hallucinating. I imagined that a tall man walked in the store. He was thin, seven feet tall, and wearing a hat.

Also he was made completely out of glass, including his hat. He would walk in, his feet making that tinkling glass sound on the ground, tip his hat and then buy a delicious glass apple. He'd polish it on his glass shirt, making shards of glass fly everywhere, then take a bite out of it and saunter off, melting into the glass window.

And then i'd wake up, and realize that i'd tried eating a glass apple and was bleeding from the mouth.

Ok that last part was a lie.

2005-10-08T12:37:00.000-07:00

I had an extremely dumb idea for another Adam story. I dont thikn it would work, but me and paul had a funny conversation. It went something like-

Paul- "I need to go get an extra key made for my car. Probabally at Lowes."
Me-"The Lowes in Japan?"
Paul-"Right-"
Me-"They make the best keys in the world in Osaka, Japan you know."
Paul"..."
Me-"It's NINJA Key makers. They make keys before you even know you need one. Like-

Ninja key guy knocks on door. Guy answers.

Guy-"Yes?"
Ninja-"That'll be 29.95, American Dollar."
Guy- "Um, for what?"
Ninja-"Extra key, we make you."
Guy-"Buh? I never... i mean I don't even need- Well anyway, you never gave me a key"
Ninja-"Check wife pocket."
Wife (from upstairs)- "Honey, can you get another key made for my car?"
Guy looks with puzzlement at ninja, and then shouts back up stairs.
Guy: "Um, check your pocket dear!"
Pause.
Wife: "Oh, thank you!"
GUY turns back to ninja and hands over money.
Guy: "You guys are good."
Ninja bows, then vanishes in cloud of smoke, leaving behind flyer.

NINJA KEYMAKERS
You need Key, you get key.
No asking required.

2005-10-02T01:19:00.000-07:00

Ok i should prolly go pass out, but quick penuche story first.

Penuche is my dog. He is old and kindof senile. Which of course makes for a large amount of hilarity. I think his vision is starting to get bad. Unfortunately, his hunger hasn't abated at all though.

He was begging for food the other day. So i decided to find out exactly how bad his vision was/strong his hunger was. I took out a butter knife from the drawer and dangeled it over him. He feebly tried to go up on all fours to beg for it. I figured he couldn't see it at that distance. Ok. So i lowered it down to his level.

He immediaately opened his jaws and tried to bite the kitchen knife from out of my hand.

Yikes. I yanked the knife away.

Either his blindness/stupidity have reached unheralded levels or he's developed a taste for kitchen knives.

Though, hey who knows. I mean i've never actually tried it myself.

2005-09-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

Today's Mitchventure includes two strange dreams I've had in the past. These are from a while back, but I always thought they were funny and have been meaning to write them down.

In the first one, I dreamt I was in a this huge, cavernous house. It was old, with enormous winding stairways and pale white statues. There were weird things flying around verywhere. Ghost and half-corporeal froms that seemed to fade in and out of reality. I was walking around this place in a befuddled state, when I looked over towards an open doorway and saw my dad. He was engaged in a boxing match.

With a ghost. I distinctly remember dad exchanging blows with the ghost for a couple seconds, and then getting hit hard in the stomach.

I think I woke up then, feeling very confused.

Of course all i can think of now is that Dad had his guard too high.

Keep that guard mid-level dad. Those ghosts are sneaky bastards.

___________________________________________________________________

The other dream I remember was from a loooong time ago when I was fairly young. I'm not sure, but I think it was a dream that actually recurred a few times. I'm running through a house that looks a lot like mine, only it has several more stories.

And I remember I'm running from someone I can't get away from. Like in those stupid slasher films. I keep closing doors and putting things in front of them, but it doesn't matter, my pursuer always finds away around or through whatever I put in his way.

And then I realize that the one following me is Mr. Fantastic.

I mean, the guy can bend under door cracks and send his hand to follow you around corners and through tiny holes in the wall. You just can't escape him. He is the ultimate stalker/assasin.

I'm sure people who know me at all will have various Freudian explanations for this dream. To them let me say this-

Don't make me sic Mr. Fantastic on you. Because, you know I will.

2005-09-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

Have you ever sat in front of those automatic doors in supermarkets for like a minute, and then suddenly burst at them full speed in order to slam into them before they fully open?

Well you should. Why you ask? To prove that their NOT "automatic", YOU have some say in the door-walking process! You're not a machine, you have your own two legs. And without your walking patronage, automatic doors would be out of work hobos, drunk and living on the street, opening and closing to pedestrians for a buck!

My name is Mitch.

And I'm running for president.

2005-09-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

What I have in common with infomercials.

We tend to make no sense and are extremely strange or "off" somehow on an unconcious level.

Two examples of each.

1) MITCH

Ok, so I was standing over the toilet peeing the other day. I remember I had to go pretty bad and so I was there for a minute or two. Only, my need to go wasn't diminishing at all. You know- that incredible feeling of relief, like when daffy duck gets lit on fire and races around until he finally lands in a pond or conveniently placed bucket of water. That feeling.

(As a side note, apparently lighting obnoxious ducks on fire is considerably less funny in real life. But that's a different (fictional) story)

Anyway, I wasn't getting that feeling at all. Just the same uncomfortable pressure. Five minutes went by and I was still going at it steadily. Ten minutes. Twenty. HALF AN HOUR. At this point I was thinking "What the hell? Have I been cursed or something? You have to hand it to the creative warlock who came up with that one.

That's about the time I woke up from my dream. I promptly got out of bed and relieved myself, grateful that my body is a lot smarter than my brain.

2)INFOMERCIAL

I was watching this infomercial a while back about some Betty Crocker bowl set or something. It was had all these utensils and things used to make hollow cakes you can then inject frosting into. As soon as it came on I called and ordered 6 billion, one for everyone in the world. because if you can't inject cakes with frosting, why live?

Just kidding. I ignored the commercial mostly, but one line towards the end of it really stuck out at me. I'm not kidding. The narrarator actually said-

"It's the most fun you'll ever have with the inside of a cake!"

Now, maybe I'm the only one who immediately makes certain awful connections regarding this bold statement, but i doubt it. I mean come on. If he just said it's the most fun you'll ever have with "cakes" or "baking" that would make sense. But to be so specific as to say "the INSIDE of a cake" that's just suspicious. Plus he seemed so enthusiastic. Maybe he knew something else, some dark secret about the most fun HE'S ever had with the inside of a cake.

Ok I grossed myself out.

3)MITCH

A poem.
*Ahem*

___________________________________________________________________

I

If a full grown man of two meters in stature,
is through some mechanism supplanted
into a common match box;
He will suffer considerable discomfort.

This is a matter of common science

___________________________________________________________________

I had this idea for a prose-poem in which I start off with a sort of casual sounding outrageous metaphor. But then I found myself comically unable to continue the metaphor. I hope to actually someday write more parts that actually have a point to them, but for now it's just a sort of bizzarre nonsequitir. Maybe i'll leave it that way, as a tribute to bizzarity (yes i know that's not a word, but it is now, because i command it so.)

4)INFOMERCIAL

Now that I think about it, I guess this is more of a public service message than an infomercial but oh well. I saw one today that was about smoking marijuanna. They open up with an old lady sitting at a dinner table waiting. I think the clock ticks ominously a few times and then a voice over comes in with something like-

"YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D BE TOO STONED TO HAVE DINNER WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER, DID YOU?" And then they flash the symbol from whoever supports these things.

I dunno, i just thought it was kind of hilarious. I think the people who write these commercials should do a little more research. Too stoned to have dinner?

I feel like the minutes before that little scene would be like-

"Dude, aren't you supposed to like, be somewhere right now, or whatever?"
"Oh man, you're right, my grandma's making dinner!"
"Serious? What are we doing here then?"

And then the son and all of his stoner friends swarm grandma's table. Although, I guess crunchy things are more the craving after smoking pot then dinner type stuff. Unless grandma is making A roast turkey made completely of cheetos or something. Ok maybe not. Although that does sound like something one of my high friends might come up with. See? I don't have to be high to come up with these things. I'm just like that naturally.

So probablly by now you're thinking-

"But Mitch, your four stories don't really have anything in common"

To which I hesitatingly reply-

"They illustrate that, um, if peopel are weird enough, it will come out even when their tryng to hide it."

And then of course you'd say, with that know-it-all tone of yours-

"But that's not what you said in the beginning. You're completely disjointed. I mean it's almost as if you just thought of four random stories and then came up with some lame excuse about how they were related to make it look like you know what you're doing

Which would inevitibly would lead to a few minutes of awakward silence and then finally I would yell-

"I DARE YOU TO SAY THAT AGAIN!" while loading my Rocket Launcher.

"Mitch, wake up and stop drooling all over the carpet" would be your witty retort.

It's strange how dreaming about violence isn't as troubling as dreaming about urination.

I pledge that next time, I'll make no sense in a more sensical fashion.

2005-09-21T15:50:00.000-07:00

Yo.

Welcome to The Funny.

My other journal is mostly full of whiney angst (though i think i might stop that now). So I decided to use this one to maintain the clever artifice that I can actually write funny stuff sometimes.

I'm pretty rusty at writing hilarity since I've been focusing on witing more drama/fiction pieces. But I'm beginning to suspect the tragedy of my life is that I want to write tragedy, but I'm really only good at comedy. Which, of coruse, can be a comedy if you're a sadist. Who sucks. And smells bad.

Anyway, we'll see. And hopefully at the least, I'll get better at it as things progress. My stuff in the beginning is likely to be more along the lines of profoundly stupid and nonsensical than funny.